


Freedom is a Heavy Load

by justmoonkid



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Anxiety, Character Study, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Ilness, Slow Burn, Temporary Amnesia, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-12 16:22:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 76,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5672458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justmoonkid/pseuds/justmoonkid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn works hard for the Resistance, even now that they've won some peacetime and life on the base has slowed down a bit. It’s partially because he’s grateful to them for bringing him into their fold, and partially because he doesn’t know how else he would fill his days, especially with Rey gone, and partially because he doesn’t really like being alone with his own thoughts. His memories of being a Stormtrooper are fading rather quickly, probably due to the frequent remediation that the First Order would put them through every few months. He has a major panic attack and it sets him off on the path to really think about who he wants to be and why.<br/>In which Finn builds an identity for himself and makes some new memories with the Resistance, with a little help from his friends and a certain pilot who may or may not have a crush on him.<br/>**ON HIATUS**<br/> Thank you all for the kind words! I am determined to finish this, but it may be a few weeks before I get back to writing!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Poe couldn’t find BB-8 anywhere. He’d needed help with X-wing repairs an hour ago, but the droid was nowhere to be found. The pilot finally found himself wandering through an abandoned wing of the base, the only area he hadn’t searched yet.

He navigated the maze of corridors and finally spotted the droid, whirring and beeping in a way that signaled trouble. BB-8 started rolling away as soon as it saw Poe, then beeped hurriedly for the pilot to follow. The droid led him through several halls to a room where he found Finn, pressed into a recess in the wall.

Poe jogged up to him. “Finn, what are you-hey, are you alright?“ Finn’s eyes were shut tight. He was shaking and taking gulps of air like a fish pulled from a stream.

“Finn?” Poe grew more alarmed as he closed the distance between them. Finn’s eyes snapped open and focused on Poe, looking the pilot up and down as if he didn’t believe what he saw.

“Poe?” he breathed, his voice shaking. “Is this-this is the Resistance base right? I’m at the base, this, this isn’t Starkiller, this isn’t-” Finn’s knees buckled, but Poe caught him and lowered them both so they were sitting on the ground.

“Hey, it’s ok, it’s ok.” Poe spoke slowly, while holding Finn by the shoulders. “You’re on the Resistance base. We’re in D’Qar. You’re safe. Look at me.” Poe carefully tipped Finn’s chin towards himself as Finn blinked up at him. He held Finn’s gaze a moment before speaking again, steady and slow.

“Listen, Finn, we’re gonna to take some deep breaths together, alright? It’ll help you feel better. Do like me” Poe inhaled deeply and motioned for Finn to do the same. Finn swallowed and attempted a shaky breath.

“A little slower than that” Poe urged gently. He inhaled through his nose and exhaled slowly through his mouth, keeping his gaze on Finn’s still-panicked eyes. “Breathe from here, not your shoulders”. Poe reached out and put his hand on Finn’s diaphragm. The weight and warmth of it grounded Finn, and after a few more shaky attempts, he slowed his breathing down.

“Can you tell me where you are?” Poe asked, eyes creased with worry.

Finn nodded, a little embarrassed now. “I’m on the Resistance base. I’m in D’Qar.” His voice shook.

“And you’re safe” Poe added softly

“And I’m safe,” Finn repeated. He seemed calmer, but the panic attack had exhausted him. He looked like he'd gone a couple rounds in the sparring ring, his body slumping with every exhale. Poe regarded his friend carefully, then stood, slowly pulling Finn up with him.

“Come on, buddy,” Poe said putting a reassuring hand on his back, mindful of his scar. “I’m taking you to my room. You need some rest.”

 

Poe sat Finn down on the edge of his bed and pulled a chair up to sit in front of him.

“Sorry, Poe, sorry about this,” Finn stammered, blinking hard. “I don’t know what happened. I got lost and I couldn’t find my way back, and everything started looking the same.” Finn rubbed his eyes and forehead and continued shakily, “And then I started having these, like, flashbacks, to being on Starkiller and I thought, maybe I’d dreamed this all up, that I was back there and I was a Stormtrooper again…that I’d always be a Stormtrooper.” He laughed unsteadily, his hands covering his face. “That sounds so stupid, I’m really sorry, I don’t know how that happened.”

He looked from under his palms at Poe and was surprised to see his friend look so concerned. Poe reached out and rubbed Finn’s shoulder.

“Buddy, it’s really alright. Don’t apologize. That was a panic attack. Most of the pilots get ‘em at one point or another,” he reassured Finn, smiling worriedly. “We all get taught how to deal with it, and what to do if we see someone else having one. Here-” he pulled Finn’s hands away from his face gently and cupped his jaw. “Lemme look at you a sec, make sure you’re ok.” Poe studied Finn's eyes, then tilted Finn’s face up to the light a little, squinting.

“I’m trying to see if your pupils are back to normal, but I can’t see ‘em,” Poe murmured, his mouth crooking into a smile. “Your eyes are like mine. Dark as a night sky.”

He continued, clinically, “look that way, but don’t turn your head.”

Finn glanced to the direction that Poe had gestured, feeling slightly relieved that he didn’t have to look the pilot right in the eyes. He tried to breathe normally, unsure if it was the lingering panic attack that was making it difficult now. Poe was definitely handsome, and anybody would get flustered at having their face a foot away from the pilot’s rugged good looks. Poe’s lithe fingers along his jaw held him steadily and Finn felt his heartbeat start to quicken again. He swallowed, his adam’s apple barely sweeping against the edge of Poe’s palm. He heard Poe clear his throat and pull his hand away, his thumb brushing along Finn’s jaw line.

Finn was thankful that the pilot let go before he could feel the pulse throbbing just beneath where his thumb had sat.

“You look good,” Poe started. “Well, your breathing’s still- it’s a little shaky, so keep breathing really deeply until it’s back to normal, ok? From here, remember.” Poe spoke quickly as he gestured at his middle “Not your shoulders or chest. And you should practice breathing like that when you’re not having a panic attack so if you get another one, it’s easier to get your breathing back to normal.” Poe frowned a little. “Did the doc not cover panic attacks with you yet?” He asked, as Finn practiced breathing.

“The doc? The medbay doc?”

“No, the head doc. The psychiatrist.”

Finn still looked confused.

“Have you not seen the psychiatrist yet, Fin?” Poe looked worried, then angry, “Are you kidding me? Nobody’s scheduled you with the psychiatrist yet?!” Finn startled as Poe seemed to explode out of his chair.

The pilot’s calm demeanor flipped into something that reminded Finn of a caged vornskr. He paced the room and ran a hand through his curly hair, muttering angrily.

“I cannot believe they didn’t think you’d need any-“ he stopped and pointed at Finn as he put on a jacket. “Stay here with BB-8 and rest a little bit more. I need to go to the medical wing and figure out who the hell thought you’d be fine without any psych evals. I’ll be back”

Poe pushed the metal door open and walked out with his fists balled up. Fin watched him leave as BB-8 rolled and gently nudged his legs, beeping reassurances. He heard Poe cursing to himself all the way down the hall until the door finally swung shut.

Finn shifted on the bed. His jaw tingled, feeling lingering heat from Poe’s fingertips. He sighed and looked down at BB-8. “Could that have gone any worse?” he asked the droid. BB8 spun in a circle and beeped sympathetically at him.

It had been three weeks since Finn had woken up in the medbay, panicked and unsure of where he was. He’d looked around and only grew more alarmed until he saw Poe, huddled in a chair with his arms crossed, fast asleep. _I’m on the Resistance base,_ he’d realized. How did he suddenly forget that today? Finn heaved another sigh and looked around the room.

The basic layout of all the recruits’ rooms were exactly the same, only differing in size. The bed lay underneath a roomy alcove made from metal shelving units. A desk sat across the bed, and an intercom with a small computer screen was to the right of the door. A narrower door on the other side led to the bathroom, shared between two rooms. Poe’s room was much larger than Finn’s own, probably because he was a commanding officer.

But the size wasn’t the biggest difference between his and Poe’s rooms, Finn realized, as he glanced around. This room was _filled_ with the pilot’s personal belongings. A few vibrant tapestries hung from the wall, colorful threads woven in thick patterns of interlocking zig-zags and diamonds. Under his feet near the bed were a pile of rugs with similar designs. A line of medals hung from the shelf next to him, and the other shelves were full of books and papers.

Finn glanced around the bed. On the headboard were a few trinkets, and a large picture frame with two small, worn, photos inside. One had a man sitting on a stump grinning as he held a child. The other had the same man, and a woman, smiling and holding each other.

BB-8 chirping broke the silence of the room. Finn glanced down at the droid and patted it on the head. “You must be getting tired of watching my back,” He murmured. BB-8’s head whirled in a full circle and rocked back and forth, beeping. Finn laughed and sat down on the pile of rugs next to the droid, and grabbed a pillow from the bed. He felt exhausted. He stretched out, then rolled onto his side to ease the discomfort from the still-aching scar on his back. He ran his hand along the raised patterns on the colorful rug, wondering how long he should wait for Poe, but his exhaustion got the better of him and he fell asleep.

 

*********************

Poe walked back in his room to tell Finn that the psychiatrist could see him in an hour, and found him asleep on his rugs while using his pillow. His mouth ticked up into a smile as he quietly pulled the door closed behind him. He gently shushed his droid, who had rolled up to him with inquiring whirrs.

Poe pulled some blueprints out from a shelf and settled on his desk to work. He’d wake Finn up when it was time for his appointment, he decided. Finn looked so peaceful, his whole body unwound from its anxious state. There was no reason to disturb him now.

As he and BB-8 worked over the blueprints, Poe glanced backwards at Finn’s sleeping form so many times, it was a wonder they got any work done.

 

*********************

Finn woke up to Poe rubbing his shoulder, telling him about his upcoming psychiatrist appointment. The pilot chuckled at Finn’s apologies for falling asleep in his room.

“I enjoyed the company,” Poe shrugged.

Finn saw the papers on his desk, and realized the pilot had been working in the room with Finn passed out not four feet behind him, and on the floor, no less.  _God, I hope I didn’t snore_ , he thought, as he made his way to the door to head to the medical wing.

“Hey, I’ll save you a seat at dinner, ok?” called the pilot, a good-natured grin on his face. “You’ve been sandwiched between Snap and Jessika during every meal the past couple days, and those two are relentless." He crossed his arms and leaned against his desk, his easy charm in full swing. "I always see you blushing from where I sit. Maybe I’ll be better dinner company, huh?”

Finn laughed as he stepped out of the room. “Yeah, I’m sure you are. I’ll see you there!” He glanced back one more time before the door shut all the way, just in time to see a still-smiling Poe licking his lower lip, his eyes fixed on Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from a quote from The Tombs of Atuan, by Ursula K leGuin: "Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake."
> 
> Chapters 1-14 establish Finn and Poe's relationship, slow burn, but still fun, I think :)  
> Chapters 15-18 are more intense, a little more plot driven, with Finn starting to try to get his memories back to help the Resistance. 19-22 should be fun chapters.  
> Chapters 26 and up will be the heaviest chapters, probably. Lots of plot.  
> I'll put warnings at the beginning of any of the chapters if I end up writing anything explicitly violent or anything like that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Poe. You're hopeless.

Poe’s chest tightened a little when Finn glanced back as he walked away. He realized he was licking his lower lip just as the door shut, and he groaned softly once he was alone.

“What is wrong with you, Dameron?” he muttered to himself as he turned back to his work on the desk. BB-8 made an inquiring beep next to him. “I’m not sick,” he grumbled at the droid. “Just a little distracted.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt such a strong connection with someone. He loved the people of the Resistance, loved the pilots like family. But Finn, Finn seemed to defy anything he’d seen a single human be able to do. Finding him crumpled up and completely forgetting that he was on the Resistance base was worrying, to say the least. He reached out a hand to pat BB-8 on the head. “Good job bringing me to Finn earlier, BB-8,” he murmured to the droid. “He’s our friend and we gotta keep looking out for him.”

Most of the pilots and soldiers he knew had trouble with trauma and panic attacks. But they had help, had doctors here, had friends here they’d known since their training days. Poe had no idea what Finn had had with the First Order. He worried about the scars the Order might have left on him, besides the long, jagged burn that followed next to his spine.

Poe had seen the wound when Finn had first come back from Starkiller. The line of seared flesh had looked like it had been carved into his back, the festering pink and white of it a grotesque contrast to his dark, smooth skin. Poe had known right away what had made a wound like that, and from whom.

Finn’s friend, Rey, had stayed by his side for three days straight, declining to leave even for meals. She ate rations next to his bed. She’d finally had to leave to apprentice under Skywalker but not before she demanded that Poe stay in the room until Finn woke up. She had planted a tender kiss on Finn’s forehead, then looked up to glare at the pilot.

 “Don’t let him wake up alone,” she had growled at him. Poe hadn’t.

Two weeks of an induced coma and bacta treatments, and as soon as he could, Finn had gotten up and put himself to work on the base. Poe’s own duties sequestered him mostly to the hangar and in the sky with his X-wing, practicing drills with his squadron. But any time he had to wander around other parts of the base, he’d see Finn helping out with some task or another. Poe had seen him in the medical bay wrapping a bandage carefully around someone’s arm, a line of patients behind him. When Poe had gone to the firing range to find parts for his X-wing’s blasters, he saw Finn doing gunning drills with some other recruits. Finn even told him once that Snap had given him some planets to map out for the recon pilot’s upcoming mission. And Poe heard from around the base that Finn was constantly in the sparring ring trying to improve his skills.

Poe had had a few moments with Finn, here and there. They’d catch each other on their way to various tasks, a quick conversation between them. He’d had a drink with him once, in the pilots’ lounge, but Snap and Jess had found them and were eager to join in. It had been hard to get a word in after that, with his pilots joking and bantering with Finn, especially after everybody’s fourth drink. After that point, they were all just trying to teach Finn some bawdy drinking songs. Finn had laughed and attempted to hum along.

 _I should encourage Finn to take more breaks,_ Poe thought. A second later and he realized _maybe he could take some of those breaks with me._

He tried not to get too excited about the idea, and tried again to go over what he’d been working on.  One of the hydraulic systems on an old starship needed to be modified. He wanted to augment the speed brakes and get it back to working order. He’d sketched a few designs, and he picked one up now.

“BB-8, can you get me the manual on P-38’s?” He called out absently, the droid rolling away promptly to get one.

 

Poe glanced up from his work and behind him at the rugs where Finn had been sleeping. He didn’t want to think about how close he’d been to Finn’s face earlier, but he found his mind wandering all the same. It had been hard not to let his eyes drift over to Finn’s mouth, and down his throat as he held the man’s face in his hands. He’d managed to keep his gaze on Finn’s eyes, but it wasn’t any less distracting. The deep brown-black of Finn’s irises reminded Poe of home, of the rich earth on Yavin 4 after a week-long rain. He hummed a smile, then shifted on his feet and rubbed his temples, embarrassed of the turn his thoughts had taken.

But the thoughts kept coming.  When he had tilted Finn’s face, the light hit them just right and his irises turned into amber pools. Poe groaned and ran his hands through his hair and down his face. Seeing Finn’s eyes change had been like watching the sun rise, all amber, and gold, and heat, and Poe’s breath had caught in his throat. He’d felt overwhelmed suddenly and he’d had to let go before his hands started shaking. Even so, he couldn’t help letting his thumb caress along Finn’s jaw line a little. Poe hoped he hadn’t noticed. His skin had been so soft.

Poe also hoped that Finn hadn’t notice him sputtering afterwards, unable to string a proper sentence together.

He sighed, blowing a stray hair away from his eyes. He’d have to get his act together for dinner. He genuinely enjoyed Finn’s company, and didn’t want his ridiculous feelings to get in the way of a friendship with someone he had so much respect for. The man had saved his life, and had been proving himself a great ally and friend since.

“Don’t blow it, Dameron,” he mumbled to himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Finn stood in front of a secretary in the psych ward to sign up for more appointments. He’d been nervous to go to the one Poe had made for him. The First Order did a lot of unpleasant things with Stormtroopers’ heads, and he’d had no idea what to expect.

But the psychiatrist, Dr. Niva, had given him a lot to think about. He dutifully signed up for three more appointments for the next week, as she’d recommended.

He left the medical wing and headed to the mess hall, when he saw General Organa walking towards him.

“Finn!” Her sharp voice carried over the room.

Finn looked around to make sure she was addressing him. “Gen-General Organa,” he stammered, before remembering his Order training and straightening up, his hand snapping to a rigid salute.

The general smiled pleasantly. “As you were, soldier. There’s no need for such formalities now,” she said, with a passive wave of her hand.

Finn relaxed. “What can I do for you?” He asked politely.

Leia motioned for him to follow her. “I’ve just been in contact with my brother,” she began. It took Finn a few moments to realize who she was talking about. His face perked up.

“And now that my lieutenants and I have finished speaking with him and the apprentice Jedi you arrived here with, Rey?” She glanced back to make sure Finn was following her. He was. “She’s requested to speak with you privately.”

Finn’s heart skipped a beat. He tried to keep his composure around the general, but he couldn’t stop the open-mouthed grin from breaking out of his face. A chance to talk with Rey! He didn’t know when he’d be able to contact her next, if at all! He almost wanted to cry. He’d been so worried about her, he’d been-

Finn stopped his train of thought, realizing that it had been over a month since they'd seen each other. He’d thought of her as his closest friend this whole time and missed her terribly, but really, they’d only known each other for two weeks before they parted ways. What would they talk about now that they weren’t running for their lives together?

His thoughts grew more worried until they finally stopped in front of a large door with the letters 8-G blocked in with yellow paint. The General typed a code and the metal door slid sideways to reveal a large meeting room, bisected by a wide table with a control panel, a two-dimensional screen hovering over it.

The width of the screen spanned half the table, and on it was Rey, sitting in a room looking off into the distance somewhere.

General Organa motioned for Finn to go in without her.

“Thank you,” he said, grateful.  Leia nodded with a smile, and the door shut.

Finn turned and strode to the middle of the room.

“Rey!” He beamed, unable to contain his joy.

Rey glanced into the camera and a smile lit up her face. “Finn!” she cried, bringing her hands up to her cheeks in excitement.

They both started talking at once “How are you!” “I can’t believe it’s really you!” “What have you been up to?” “How is Jedi training?”

The flurry of words had them both laughing, and Finn was elated that she seemed as excited to see him as he was to see her.

“Rey, it’s so good to see you,” Finn breathed.

“It’s so good to see _you_ , Finn! Hey, mind if I go get a snack really quick? I didn’t dare eat in front of the general.”

Finn laughed as she walked off camera and came back with an apple.

“Yeah, I’m missing dinner with a certain pilot right now, thank you very much!” He teased.

Rey took a bite, and chewed slowly, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“Dameron?” She guessed.

“The one and only,” Finn beamed, as he spread his arms out wide. “I really am a big deal now, in case you hadn’t heard.”

“Well alright, Big Deal,” she laughed as she chewed her apple, “please tell me what your illustrious self has been doing the past few weeks!”

He recounted his time at the Resistance base, how he’d been training as a gunner, a sniper, and brushing up on hand-to-hand combat. He’d even volunteered some time in the medical bay, doing basic first aid to alleviate the work of the doctors and nurses.

“Wow, you’ve been busy!” Rey said, impressed.

She told him about her time with Luke Skywalker, ( _the_ Luke Skywalker, Finn thought to himself) and Finn listened with rapt attention. She explained as best she could what she understood about the Force so far. Luke was teaching her slowly, so they hadn’t gotten to very interesting things yet. Her life there was much milder than she’d expected it to be, she told him.

Finn remembered the day’s events and wondered if he should tell her about the panic attack. He wanted to. He wanted desperately to believe that she’d care.

“Yeah, things have been pretty good here, really busy.” He waited a beat before continuing, “but I had a panic attack today.”

Rey stopped chewing a second, her mouth falling open a little.

“Finn, that’s-kriff, that’s awful,” she breathed, her face pained. Her shoulders drooped as she spoke, “Finn, I’m so sorry I left you there while you were still injured. And unconscious, even. I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have-“

Finn was touched, but he interrupted her. “Rey, don’t be ridiculous,” he chided, affectionately. “If I had woken up and seen you _still_ here and learned that you had stuck around just for me to wake up? Instead of learning how to become a _Jedi_?” He shook his head. “I would’ve hated that.” He meant it.

“I still regret doing it,” Rey said quietly, but a smile was pressing up the dimple on her cheek.

“You staying wouldn’t have done anything but delayed your training,” Fin replied, shrugging, eager for his friend to feel better. “Besides, there’s a doctor here, they call them psychiatrists?” He tested the word slowly on his tongue. “I saw her today and she was really helpful.”

Relief washed over Rey’s face.

“I’m glad they’re taking care of you,” she stated, then continued quickly, “because, the fact is, you are my best friend, and you saved my life.” She looked earnestly at Finn. “If you ever needed me to, I’d leave here and come back to you. I mean it.”

Finn’s heart soared.

“Same goes for me. You saved my life too,” he reminded her, smiling. “You’re my best friend, too.”

Rey grinned at his words, eyes crinkling with mirth. “Well, what does the psychritrist do?” She chirped.

“Psychiatrist,” he corrected. He rubbed the back of his neck, thinking about her question. “Lots of stuff. It turns out, working under the First Order your entire life can really mess a guy up,” he joked.

 “What are the doctors doing for you, then?” Rey was leaning over now, concerned, as if getting closer to the camera on her side would bring her closer to Finn.

“Well, apparently lots of the pilots get panic attacks. You just have to breathe through it. But the doctor said I dissociate. I get this feeling like I’m not in my own body, like nothing around me is real. I’d been getting that feeling on and off for a week now, and it turned into a panic attack today.”

Finn gave a small shrug. “She said that it might be happening to me because I can only remember life in the First Order, and now I’m somewhere completely new, trying to be someone completely different,” he recalled, then shook his head, correcting himself, “not completely different, but someone that I want to be, she said. Instead of what the First Order made me to be. She said it’s hard work, so my brain might short out sometimes.”

Rey nodded sympathetically as she finished off her apple. “That sounds a bit like what Master Luke has been telling me, that I need to know who I am. I think that’s why he’s been training me so slowly, because I’m not really sure yet,” she murmured. “I’m not even really sure what ‘know yourself’ means,” she said, shrugging.

“And I get nightmares,” she admitted. “Of when Kylo Ren had me captured. He did awful things in my head. I wake up screaming.” Her eyes drifted away.

“Oh, Rey,” Finn breathed, his heart clenching. “I’m sorry I didn’t find you earlier.” He remembered going after her on Starkiller, and seeing her climbing up the side of the TIE Fighter bay. She'd looked so strong. 

Rey shook her head. “It’s not your fault” she said, firmly.

She sighed. “Master Luke says that hurts have to be allowed to heal,” she recalled, smiling sadly at Finn, for both of them. “Or you could become dangerous to yourself. And to other people.”

“You could never be dangerous to anyone,” Finn replied softly. “Well, except for all the people who deserve a good ass-kicking,” he joked.

Rey’s somber expression scrunched back up into a grin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagined that Luke only contacted the base because he sensed how much Rey had needed to talk to her only friend. And Rey was also nervous to talk to Finn again, but she’d resolved to tell Finn that he was her best friend.  
> I love this girl!! I love her so much!! So pure, so good, so full of love and light! (Not impervious to the dark side though, as cinnamon roll Finn wants to believe).


	4. Chapter 4

Finn and Rey chatted nonstop for what seemed like only a few minutes, before the intercom came on with General Organa telling them they would need to wrap it up.

Finn glanced towards the speakers, then back at Rey, feeling a pang in his chest. Rey looked almost angry, and she brushed the back of her hand against her eyes roughly. She gave a short laugh. “So it’s goodbye again, then, I guess,” she mumbled.

Finn tried to perk up, unwilling to let them part so abruptly. “Hey, it’s alright, Rey! I’m sure we’ll have lots of chances to talk again. I’m a Big Deal now, remember?” He reassured her. “They gave me a medal and everything! And you’re a Jedi! It’ll be easiest thing to talk to you again.” He grinned.

“Jedi _apprentice_.” She corrected him. “When do you think that’ll be?” She asked, unsure of Finn’s confidence.

“I’ll talk to you in no more than a week,” he promised. “But I have to go now. You think the general on screen is scary? In person its ten times worse.”

Rey laughed softly and waved.

“I miss you, Rey”

“I miss you too, Finn. No more than a week, right?”

“No more than a week.”

 

Finn typed in the exit code and walked out of the room. _How much time was left for dinner?_  he wondered, as he realized how hungry he was. He left the hall and glanced at a clock on one of the intercoms mounted along the walls, and saw that he’d missed it completely.

Finn walked back to his room, disappointed that he’d missed a meal with Poe. He opened his door and stepped in. His room was so bare that the sound of the door closing almost echoed. He always tried to spend as little time here as possible.

He didn’t have anything displayed on his shelves or walls. All he had visible were the bedding and clothes issued to him by the Resistance, and the jacket Poe had given him. Finn reached out and touched the leather, smiling. Rey and Han had ripped it off of him to deliver bacta to his wound. He’d gotten it stitched back together but that plus the burn in the back had rendered it unwearable. Finn couldn’t get rid of it, though. It was a reminder of his adventures with Rey, his first memories with Poe.

Finn remembered the long line of medals the pilot had displayed in his room. He kneeled to reach a trunk at the bottom of his closet and opened it up. Inside sat a single medal, the insignia of the Resistance gleaming in the front. He picked it up and turned it over “Finn” it said, and underneath: “For Brave Acts of Valor.”

Finn glanced around and decided to hang it from a hook on the wall.

The room was still sparse and cold compared to Poe’s, but the medal and the jacket still made him smile.

He remembered again that he’d missed dinner with the pilot. He wondered if Poe had been disappointed, or worried, at his absence.

Finn took a deep breath, feeling lighter that he had earlier.  Buoyed up by his long talk with Rey and feeling brave, he decided to visit Poe to apologize and explain where he’d been.

 

 

Finn knocked on the familiar door. “Come in” came the reply. Finn walked in to see that Poe was still at his desk working on the same blueprints that he’d left him with.

Poe grinned as Finn walked in. “I was hoping it was you,” he said, with a lilting tone.

“Hey, I’m sorry I missed dinner,” Finn began. “I was talking to Rey in one of the meeting rooms.”

Poe shook his head. “No, don’t worry about it, one of the pilots saw you with the general. I figured you’d miss dinner, so here,” Poe nudged a plate of food on his desk towards Finn. “Got you something. I’d hate to have to eat rations instead of a warm meal.”

“Thanks! Uh,” He picked up the plate, unsure if he should leave now.

Poe pulled another chair up to his desk and motioned for Finn to sit.

“You got to talk to Rey, huh? That must’ve been exciting. I’m glad you’re feeling better.” He scooted his papers over to give Finn more room. “She really cares about you. She made that really clear before she left.”

Finn grinned, taking a bite of his food, careful not to put crumbs on Poe’s work. “I wasn’t sure when I’d get to talk to her again,” he said excitedly.

 

Several mouthfuls later, Finn had Poe tearing up from laughing, his head thrown back, with his story of first meeting Rey.

“ _Stop taking my hand_ she kept saying! There we were, running from TIE fighters and a flock of Troopers, and that’s what she was worried about! She looked like she wanted to cut mine off!”

“What?! Honestly, I’m not surprised. I had that look directed at me before,” Poe wheezed, wiping the tears in his eyes, “How could someone not want to hold your hand?” He asked, teasingly.

“I know! I’m an excellent hand holder!  Look at these!” He brought his palms up, displaying long, nimble fingers.

Poe  shuffled his papers, not willing to look, but he grinned. “She was missing out, buddy,” he said, shaking his head.

Finn looked down at his plate, realizing he’d finished his meal. He looked around the plate, making sure he hadn’t left a mess, but he’d eaten impeccably, his neat habits a remnant of his Order training. He stood up and was about thank Poe for dinner when the pilot interrupted his thoughts.

“You wanna stay? Hang out some more? It’s gonna be a late night for me, could use the company.”

Finn looked over at Poe. He was leaning over his desk, not looking at Finn.

“Sure, I’d love that,” Finn admitted, his heart skipping a beat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe just keeps laying on the compliments *cry laugh emojii*
> 
> I said this was going to be a slow burn, I wasn’t kidding! But don’t worry, it will be well worth it. I’m just trying to surround our Finn with people who care about his soul right now, ok? *carefully stacks kindling up to waist high* I’ll get to that E rating soon enough.
> 
> Also, Han is alive in my story!
> 
>  
> 
> Comments? Questions? Hit me up!


	5. Chapter 5

As the night wore on, Finn moved over to sit on the pile of rugs next to Poe’s bed, propped up by pillows, while Poe sat working through his blueprints at his desk. BB-8 was recharging in the corner.

Their time together was less hurried that his earlier chat with Rey. They’d converse here and there, with stretches of comfortable silence in between, each person absorbed in their task.

Finn had just finished going over the P-38 manual in an effort to understand the work Poe was doing. Now he was thumbing through one of Poe’s books titled  _Resistance: Early History Vol I_.

Finn leafed through the pages. He had actually pulled this particular book from the shelf to look something up, something Snap had told him. He found it.  _Lieutenant Shara Bey: Starfighter Pilot_ , the title of the page read. Finn ran his eyes over the words, feeling more and more admiration for the man standing just a few feet in front of him.

 “Still doing ok back there?” Poe asked over his shoulder. “Not asleep yet?” He looked back at Finn.

Finn startled, feeling like he’d been caught. “No, no, just reading,” he glanced up at the pilot looking at him, then quickly back down at the page. He cleared his throat. “Snap told me about your parents,” he began evenly, trying to gauge Poe’s reaction from his peripherals, “that they were some of the biggest heroes of the Resistance. I wanted to see if they’d be in this book.”

Poe tipped his chair forwards to grab the top of the book Finn held and pulled it out of his grasp. His eyes scanned over it, smiling. “Oh yeah,” he said, as if he’d forgotten. He handed it back to Finn.

“My dad’s in volume two.” The pilot pointed to a book on his shelf. Finn reached up to grab it and handed it to Poe. He found the page quickly, and showed it to Finn, grinning. It was titled  _Sergeant Kes Dameron: Special Forces_.

Finn was in awe. “So being a Resistance hero, it's like in your blood!”

Poe leaned back in his chair, frowning thoughtfully as he looked at the page.

“People say that,” he shrugged, an easy lilt in his voice. “They didn’t raise me for it, or anything. My mom didn’t even talk about it much, and my dad waited til I was older before he got into details about their assignments. My mom did fly me up in her A-wing all the time, though.” For a moment, the pilot looked even younger than his thirty two years as he remembered his mother teaching him the controls. He laughed, shaking his head. “I swear I flew more than walked for a few years of my childhood.”

Poe’s eyes read over the page detailing his father’s accomplishments as he said absently, “I did follow in their footsteps eventually. I guess it is in my blood, you’re right.”

He looked back at Finn playfully as he boomed, “fly the skies, protect the people, bring our troops home!” It was a nearly exact mimic of the announcements that broadcasted periodically around the base. He gave a careless, but charming salute as he sat sprawled in his chair, winking at Finn.

Finn laughed, feeling the heat of a blush wash up his face. Poe gave lots of winks and smiles to lots of people, but experiencing his charm in such close quarters overwhelmed him a little. He felt his heart thump faster.

 “That you do,” he said genuinely, then added, “Decorated Starpilot Dameron!” echoing Poe’s voice.

“I’m in good company, then.” Poe reached out to clap his arm. “Finn, Hero of the Resistance!” The pilot was repeating the title the general had given Finn at the medaling ceremony.

“What all did you get commendations for, again?” Poe cocked his head as he ticked off his fingers. “Distinguished service, honorable conduct, loyalty, upholding order, brave acts of valor?” He grinned down at a blushing Finn. “None of us would be here without you,” he reminded Finn gently.

Finn felt warm, then hot, under the pilot’s gaze, like a layer of his skin was melting away. He sat on Poe’s bed, suddenly feeling like he needed to confess something. He looked down at his hands as a few beats of silence passed.

“I was never trying to be a hero,” he started, “or save the entire Resistance, really. You were right, when I saved you from that First Order base. I needed a pilot.”

Poe’s expression softened and he opened his mouth to interject, but thought better of it and let Finn continue.

“I almost left all of it behind completely, at Maz’s. I asked Rey to come with me, told her we could just run away and never look back. But she wouldn’t. She’s _so_  brave.” His voice wavered a little. “And then I saw her get taken away." He looked up at Poe. "I really only went back to Starkiller to get Rey back,” he admitted.

Finn had felt like a fraud that day, as pilot after pilot he passed shook his hand, thanking him for rescuing their squadron leader and wishing him luck on a mission they had such high stakes in.

Poe was leaning over, elbows on his knees, as he listened to Finn. He wanted to reach out and touch him, reassure him that he deserved to be called a hero. Instead, he sat back in his chair, eyes distant, thinking about something. He got up and reached past Finn to grab the framed pictures Finn had seen earlier and sat on the bed next to him.

“When I was a kid,” he began softly, thumbing the delicate filigree that edged the frame, “and my mom would take me up in her A-wing, she’d tell me about how she’d fly way up high with the Resistance, and feel so proud knowing that she was keeping people safe.” He handed the frame to Finn.

“My mom and dad,” he murmured, pointing at the worn images. “They were the best people I know, always full of stories. I learned to fly as a kid because I loved ‘em. _God_ , I loved ‘em.” The tenderness in his voice made Finn’s heart ache. He looked down at the frame he held and realized that the smiling child in the picture, all lashes and dark curls, was Poe.

“Then I got older and learned what the Resistance was all about. And now I think about all the people I’ve met from being part of this, on the base, on other planets. I wanna keep ‘em safe. I like those medals, too,” he grinned, nodding up at his shelf. “But you know, at the end of the day, I know this all started because I loved my parents. And there are some days when all that keeps me going are memories of them, teaching me how to fly, telling me they loved me.”

“And my parents,” he continued, sounding incredulous, “they fought for  _years_  and got all these awards, and all these accolades-Finn, there are stacks and stacks of reports on their bravery, huge lists of the medals and commendations they’ve earned. I’ve seen ‘em.” He shook his head, as if he didn’t believe it himself. “And in the end, they left it all to be together and raise me. Just as Shara and Kes.”

Poe looked out distantly for a moment, then turned to face Finn, the pilot’s knee a warm pressure against his own. Poe reached out, grasped his arm, and looked evenly into his eyes.

“You going all the way to Starkiller just to get Rey back? Dueling  _Kylo Ren_  to save her? That’s love, Finn. That’s the best reason to fight for anything. Everything else grows from there.”

 

*************

 

Finn walked back to his room hours later. A slurry of emotions churned inside him. The day had started off terribly, but he’d gotten to talk to Rey and spent uninterrupted time with Poe, that was good. He felt so solid and whole around them. Poe’s words about rescuing Rey had especially heartened him.

But now that he’d left the warmth of Poe’s company, he felt a pronounced hollow in his chest. He’d felt it pressing inside of him before, but Poe’s story about his childhood, about his parents, had dug it out further for some reason and he could feel it aching inside of him.

Finn realized why when he entered his nearly-empty room. Everyone around him seemed to have had lifetimes to make themselves, to carving out identities of their own, helped by the people who cared for them. And they had all the memories of it to look back on.

As far as memories went, Finn had the past month and a half. Even if he wanted to recall memories of his years in the First Order, Stormtroopers were subjected to frequent “re-conditioning” and “re-mediation.” He'd been able to recall details about the First Order the first few weeks he'd arrived on the Resistance base, but he felt the memories decaying in his mind as the days went by, like they were on a timer. Now, a lot of the details of his time there were disjointed, fuzzy.

Finn had been working himself to exhaustion nearly every day, and would often crash on his bed, falling asleep almost immediately. Today was no different, his body aching as he crawled into the covers. He always wanted to avoid spending too much time in between wakefulness and sleep. His mind would sometimes reach a frightening blank when he was alone in the dark, like a com screen that was shut off abruptly.

Poe, on the other hand, had memories of being a well-loved child. Finn had heard the tenderness in his voice as he’d talked about his parents. It made the hollow in his chest swell, threatening to press his own small existence out completely.

He brought his hands up to his face to wipe away the tears that had welled there and took a deep breath. He was suddenly grateful for his appointment with Dr. Niva earlier. She’d recommended that he periodically remind himself of the things he’d accomplished that he was most proud of since leaving the Order. It would help ground him even as his memories faded, she’d said, and remind him of his own capabilities.

He took another deep breath and began.

“I’m friends with Poe Dameron, one of the greatest heroes of the Resistance.” His voice cut the room. “I’m Rey’s best friend,” he continued, sounding more confident. “My best friend is a Jedi.”

The last part sounded so preposterous, and it made him laugh, knowing it was true. His voice filled the silence of the room and Finn felt his spirit lightening again. The pressing in his chest eased.

He remembered that Rey didn’t have many pleasant memories, either, and he hoped that she was making some now. He was gonna give that girl such a big hug the next time he saw her, he thought to himself. She would probably protest, but he’d just swing her around until she laughed. He smiled at the thought.

He fell asleep as he replayed his few memories of Rey and Poe, turning them over and over again in his mind, like diamonds held up to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! It was a big day for Finn! I’m so happy about how this chapter came out and I really hope it wasn’t too sappy for you guys. It was a tricky one!
> 
> Notes on my thoughts about Poe:  
> I think of Poe as someone who’s really used to being a leader with a lot of people depending on him. I think leaders, especially the best ones, tend to hold parts of themselves back in order to put their best foot forward and inspire people. You can’t really expect to be seen as a complex human being, who “makes mistakes” and “is only human” when you have that many people counting on you. So Poe kind of has “Resistance Hero/Leader” mode, and it’s a really important part of his identity, but there’s also more to him underneath that. And I don’t imagine he’s used to sharing much of what’s underneath it with many people? The people he protects need to hear that he’s fighting for them, and he’s more than willing to give them that, but it’s not the only thing that keeps him going. Like when Kylo Ren captured him, when he was alone in the interrogation room, I like to imagine that it was thoughts about his parents that kept him from losing hope.  
> And I feel like he’s used to giving encouraging little speeches. He gave Finn a really good, sweet one, though. Because of reasons.
> 
> Notes on everything else:  
> Finn is most proud of the friend’s he’s made. ‘Nuff said.  
> I got tired of having to think of chapter titles, so I put them all back to numbers.  
> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fun with Jessika and friends, then just enough Poe DAMNeron to keep all of you from abandoning this fic completely ;)

It had been a few months since Finn had started seeing the psychiatrist. He was grateful for the chance to get out of his own head; the therapy helped him link all the seemingly disparate parts of himself together.

Recently, Dr Niva had told Finn to lessen the number of assignments he placed on himself and not work to exhaustion every day. She'd explained that exhaustion could trigger his episodes of dissociation and make them less predictable. They’d been growing less frequent, but it unsettled Finn knowing they could creep up at seemingly any time. Get some down time with other people besides at meals and at the end of the day, she’d suggested. Spend more time with people who care about you, she’d encouraged.

So when Jessika approached him and invited him on what she called a “long hike,” he agreed, forgoing the long list of drills he’d planned to go to.

She’d brought along a few other pilots, Orik, Emrin, and Mila. Finn recognized them as Cobalt Squadron. With Temmen and Poe both gone on assignments, Jess had been taking lots of day trips exploring around D’Qar with other recruits, getting more lax than usual on her daily duties on base.

They’d woken right at dawn and taken a couple of speeders to the base of the hike, and carried large packs up the winding trail. At the tail end of the last switchback, the terrain shifted, the soil giving way to mostly rock. The “hike” from there grew steeper every few meters. Jessika led, with Orik as the anchor. Finn scaled the terrain easily, grasping the rocky crags with nimble finger to balance himself, and pushing up using his legs when the terrain became vertical.

“Maybe you should’ve anchored! “ Orik panted, trying to keep up.

Jessika glanced over. “Have you done this before?” she called to him.

Finn thought about it. “Uhh, I think so? Maybe?” His muscles seemed to remember, and the feeling of pulling himself up, hands reaching up first, legs pushing second, seemed so familiar. A thread of a memory hung in his mind, of scaling a wall with other Stormtroopers, and he mentally tried to reach out and tug at it.

A sharp pain shot through his head. It made Finn gasp and let go, and he swayed backwards. He reached out instinctively to grip a root that was growing through the sediment, catching himself before he skidded down the ravine they’d just scaled. He vaguely heard the other pilots shouting before his mind snapped back to attention.

“Kriff, Finn! Shit!” Jessika yelled. “Are you ok? What happened?”

Finn was out of breath suddenly, unsure how to answer her. “I-I’m not as good as you think I am at this!” He tried to laugh, “Sorry! I’m fine!” He shook his head to get rid of the tensing sensation in his temples. He was eager to change the subject. “Where are we going?”

Jess’s worried expression turned to mischief. She gave him a devilish grin “You’ll see!”

The hike flattened out again eventually. A clearing opened up with a large rock formation spearing through the middle. Finn wanted a better look.

“Careful!” Jess called out when he stumbled. Finn stopped when he saw the view open up beneath him.  They seemed to be on top of a cliff, he could see out for miles. He stepped carefully, giving the edge a wide berth, and saw the tops of trees, a forest stretching endlessly into the distance below.

Finn looked over to the other pilots. Jessika was grinning mischievously again as she pulled out the parts of what looked like a pulley system from one of the packs. The other pilots were emptying their packs of equally strange gear, too.

 

 

“Cord jumping.” Finn repeated Jessika's words back to her.

“Yup!” She was practically vibrating in excitement.

“You’re gonna jump off the cliff.”

“ _We_ are, yes.”

Finn looked down at the contraption she was putting together. He began to feel creeping doubt about whether this was what Dr. Niva had had in mind when she told him to get more down time. Or if the wickedly smiling Jess could be thought of as someone who cared about him.

“Don’t look so worried,” Orik grinned, nudging him with an elbow. “It’ll be fun, we’ve done it lots of times!”

“With that?” Finn toed the harness they’d brought. He wasn’t convinced. It was obviously one of the ones that the welders used to repair the bay walls, with a few extra straps seemingly hand-sewn to it.

“Listen,” Jessika said, looking offended as she pulled the springy cord through the pulley, “Emrin here is a top notch mechanical engineer on top of being an pilot.  She designed _that_. We even took it through the crash simulators in bay 4.”

“And we have a tension gauge with us to test it between jumps,” Emrin added, calibrating the said machine. She gave Finn a thumbs up. “The specs on it are good! It’s safe!”

“While you’re not jumping, you should still have this on.” Mila tossed him another harness. It looked even less substantial than the other one. “It’s just to prevent you from slipping and falling. Cliff face goes down for a mile,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Does you C.O. know about this?” Finn asked, referring to Poe.

Jess nodded. “He does _not_ approve,” the young pilot laughed, “Poe is such an old man sometimes. That’s why we waited til now, while he’s off on some diplo assignment with General Organa.”

Poe had been gone for nearly two weeks to report to the New Republic in the Outer Rim, along with the general and a swath of highly decorated military and intelligence personnel.

He’d told Finn he was leaving for an assignment and Finn had been concerned at first, but Poe had waved it off. The New Republic wanted to discuss the terms of their funding of the Resistance. It was an important assignment, but not dangerous. “Other than getting choked to death by the collar on my dress uniform, you don’t have anything to worry about,” he’d grinned at Finn.

He and the pilot had grown closer over the past few months, spending what meals they could together along with the rest of his squadron, and hanging out a few nights a week when Poe had to work late and Finn had enough energy to stay up with him.

Finn was fine for the first few days that Poe was gone, concentrating on training for combat. He’d offered to look after BB-8 while the pilot was away, and the droid spent equal time between keeping him company and helping the mechanics in the hangar. He ate most of his meals with Jessika, and whichever other pilots she was scheming with that day. He talked to Rey whenever he could get clearance for the comms room. He was surrounded by people during drills.

As the days passed, though, Poe’s absence became more and more apparent; Finn’s tight schedule of drills and assignments were no longer punctuated by the pilot’s banter, his easy smile, the way he’d always reach out to touch Finn when they’d pass each other during the day, during meals, or when they were talking late into the night. Finn would get a squeeze on his arm, a hand at his back, or an arm over his shoulder on days the pilot was especially happy about something. Finn had begun to feel his absence more and more as the days went by, and it weighed him down like a stone growing heavier by the day. It was hard to be far away from his two closest friends at the same time.

But up here on a cliff overlooking a river gorge, some of the heaviness in him eased. Harness on and anchored securely to the rock formation jutting behind them, Finn stepped carefully towards the cliff face. When he got a few meters from the edge, the view opened up beneath him. Finn could see fog rolling through the canyon, the canopies of a few trees rising through. It seemed to swallow up every sound they made, even the loud banter and laughter from Emrin and Jess as they got the gear ready.

“Won’t you hit the side of the cliff?” Finn asked, still not so sure about the _we_.

Jessika bounded over, her own harness secured. “Nah, look!” She motioned for him to follow her to the very edge. She crouched on her hands and knees, then lay completely flat and pointed below them. Finn followed suit and looked down, his head reeling. They were on an overhang, jutting far out over the cliff face. She patted his shoulder.

“You don’t have to jump, Finn,” she said, her voice calmer than it had been. “The view alone is worth the trip.” She spread her arms out, feeling the wind sweeping up the cliff. “You know, piloting is great and all,” she murmured, eyes closed, “but I think birds got us beat.” Finn stretched his arms out, too, the wind pushing against his skin making him feel almost weightless. He decided not to worry about his earlier memory lapse, at least not until they got back to the base. He wanted to be present here, to remember this side of Jessika that he felt like he hadn't seen before, and all the moments between them.

 

 

The pilots took their turns jumping, with Emrin going first. “If any of my tests and calculations are wrong, I should take the fall!” she’d said as she walked backwards towards the jump point. She was joking, but it made Finn nervous anyway. His heart leapt in his throat when she finally did it, backflipping from the edge.

He and the other pilots crouched over the edge to watch her. Emrin was hollering the whole way down, but the canyon swallowed up the sound. Mila, Jess, and Orik were cheering. Finn heard himself laughing as he watched the cord spring up and down, even as he reeled from the view. He grew less apprehensive with every jump.

Finally, he stood at the edge. He’d only agreed to put the jump harness on, nothing else. Emrin had tested it in front of him, along with the thick, springy cord. “You’ll be safe, Finn,” she’d assured him.

He looked out at the rolling fog, at the forest stretching for miles. The view really was breathtaking. _Rey would’ve loved this,_ he thought to himself, then resolved to jump if only to tell her about it. He looked down and his mouth went dry. 

“I think…” he started. The pilots leaned in to hear. “..you’re gonna have to push me.”

“Love to!” shouted Orik as they each grabbed one of his limbs.

“Wait!” Jessika called suddenly, nearly making him slip. She rummaged through her pack and got a camera, setting it up quickly to capture all of them. “Turn around and smile, Finn!” They pushed him over, backwards, just as the picture snapped.

 

************************

 

The hike from the cliff took them half the time as their initial trip, and they got back to base just as the sun was setting. They all dispersed to the various tasks they needed to do before day’s end, and Finn headed to the hangar that housed Poe’s X-wing to pick up BB-8. It had wanted to finish minor repairs before the pilot returned.

Finn found the droid rolling down the walkway, at the heels of a man in a lieutenant’s uniform.

“BB-8!” Finn called out. The man turned towards his voice.

Finn blinked. It was Poe. He hadn’t recognized the pilot in the fading sunlight. The uniform had thrown him off as well; Finn had only seen him in an orange jumpsuit, or his Resistance-issue pants and shirts.  The pilot had even been walking differently, the orderly strides a stark contrast to his usual easy gait.

But Poe was jogging up to him now, creasing his uniform with every step. His hair was smoothed back and he was clean-shaven. “You’re back early!” Finn called out, as the pilot neared. 

“Hey! It’s good to see you!” Poe breathed. A few stray hairs had fallen onto his face, and he brushed them back with his hand.

 Finn had never seen him look like this. With his hair out of his face, Poe’s eyes seemed to gaze more intensely at him, the soft creases around them accentuated. Finn was getting the same sensation that he’d had earlier, when he was standing at the cliff’s edge, unable to jump.

Poe seemed to hesitate, then reached up to give both of Finn’s arms a firm squeeze and jostled him a little. “It’s good to see you, Finn!” he repeated, his lips quirked in that familiar, charming smile.

Finn felt a twinge of disappointment, expecting a hug, but tried not to let it show. He grinned back at the pilot. He was happy to have him back, after all.

“What’s going on? Lieutenant uniform?” He raised his eyebrows at Poe.

“Yeah, it’s a riot,” Poe said looking down, dropping his hands to straighten his pins. “We brought dignitaries from some New Republic planets back with us, they wanted a look around. Things always get more official around here when we’ve got company.” He surveyed the hangar. “They’re gonna get a tour of the base tomorrow, I wanted to make sure the hangars were in order.”

The pilot was looking off to the side towards the fleet of starfighters, so Finn studied the seemingly unfamiliar man standing in front of him. Poe cut an imposing figure in his uniform, the hard planes of the fabric accentuating his strong, lithe frame, his Resistance Starfleet badges and rank in full display.

“You look good,” Finn said, and cleared his throat. He was having trouble thinking of other things to say. Poe looked so different from how Finn had grown used to seeing him. It was making him nervous. _This is just Poe_ he reminded himself.

 The pilot was still looking away, but he grinned at Finn’s compliment and smoothed his lapels, rolling his shoulders. He looked at Finn, then surveyed him quizzically, at the mud caked boots and pack in his hand. “Where’ve you just been?”

Finn laughed and told him.

“They took you to do _what_?”

“With this.” He pulled the jump harness out of his pack and held it in front of Poe, careful not to touch his uniform.

“Oh for kriff’s sake.” Poe took it and turned it over in his hands.

“Hey! We need that!” Jess had snuck up behind Finn and jumped to snatch the harness back. Her eyes bulged when she realized it was her commanding officer, in his lieutenant uniform, decorated with every badge he owned. When he was dressed like this, as a pilot under his rank, she was supposed to greet him formally. Instead, she’d grabbed something from his hands and flicked bits of grass and dirt on him in the process. Poe’s jaw tensed as he looked at her.

“Shit, sor-“

“Pava!” He barked, interrupting her apology. Finn and Jessika both jumped, Jessika snapping to attention. One hand gripped the harness, her other in salute.

“Squadron leader!” Her voice rang out, clear and even. Some other pilots looked up from what they were doing to see the commotion.

He strode up to her, eyes hardened like steel. “Pilot, there are New Republic dignitaries on base right now,” he said sternly, glaring into her eyes as she gazed perfectly straight ahead. “The whole base needs to look good, recruits included. _You_ included. Brush up on your manners.”

“Yes, Squadron Leader!”

“Should….should I be at attention?” Finn stammered.

Poe looked at him. “You haven’t really been given a rank, so it’s not necessary,” he said, an edge of sternness still in his voice. He thought a moment. “You sitting in a room full of people at attention might make them snoop around about you, so you should do it if you don’t want to stick out.” Finn nodded. It was good advice.

Poe looked back at Jessika, dutifully holding her position. “As you were, Pava.”

She loosened, looking sheepish. “Sorry, sir,” she murmured.

Poe sighed. “At least you remembered to call me sir and not ‘old man.’ Just be careful, alright? This place is gonna be crawling with diplomats and ambassadors for the next week. You know how much they love all this military ceremony. We need to look every part of the Resistance.” She nodded. He glanced around, then reached out and patted her back.

He addressed Finn. “I’ve got dinner and briefings with the general and the diplomats tonight, but I’ll be free at 20:00. It would be great to see you then-” The pilot looked like he wanted to say more, but he clamped his mouth shut instead.

“Yeah,” Finn said, nodding, still startled from Poe’s earlier display of his rank. “I’ll be around.”

 “Great,” Poe smiled, the tension in his face softening for a moment. He turned and strode away, nodding at the pilots standing to salute him as he went. “Get this hangar cleaned up!” he called over his shoulder, the pilots scurrying to obey.

Finn watched him leave, his palms clammy and his heart hammering in his chest.

 

*********************************

 

“No, you don’t have to stand at attention and hold it every time they walk by,” Jessika explained to Finn as they ate the last of their dinner. “You just have to salute if they pass you while they’re in uniform. If they stop to talk to you in uniform, then yeah, stand at attention. Poe was just pissed at me for not doing the first thing, so he made me stand at attention.”

Finn nodded, understanding.

She sighed. “Gotta remember to call him Squadron Leader this whole week,” she grumbled. She looked at Finn. “I guess you gotta call him Lieutenant Dameron in front of the New Republic, too.”

Finn mouthed the title. _Lieutenant Dameron._

Jessika continued her lesson between mouthfuls. “’Stand at ease’ means standing at attention, but you can look them in the eyes. ‘At ease’ means you can look them in the eyes and you can move everything but your right foot. How do you not know these?” She looked at Finn, incredulous. “I would think that the First Order was all about this kind of shit.”

Finn braced at her casual mention of his old life, remembering the strange pain that shot through his head during his failed memory recall earlier. He shook his head. “I know most of it, just not the bit about eye contact. It’s not really an issue in Stormtrooper uniforms. Plus nobody was ever not in uniform, so I didn’t know the rules changed when someone was in their civvies. I thought you all just didn’t care that much about rank here.”

“The Resistance isn’t as strict about it and us pilots really don’t care about that stuff. But we have to while the New Republic’s here.” She brushed the crumbs from her clothes. “Me and the Cobalt pilots are gonna find something to do later, get away from the prying diplos for a bit. Did you wanna come?”

Finn shook his head. “I was gonna meet Poe. Lieutenant Dameron.” He’d need to get used to that.

“ _Right_ , right.” Jessika turned to leave, then turned back around suddenly to hug Finn, nearly knocking the breath out of him. His arms were pinned to his sides, but he reached his hand up and patted her arm. Her sudden show of affection almost made up for Poe’s pathetic arm squeezes from earlier. “Thanks for hangin’ today. I definitely see why Poe, er, _Squadron Leader_ likes you so much.” She walked away snickering before Finn could ask what she meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love questions about my work! Although I will admit right now that I do not know much about the Star Wars 'verse and I may say stuff that is wholly inaccurate about star systems, starships and things like that...I apologize for those in advance, there's not really anything I can do to learn it all of a sudden. I hope you like how I'm writing the characters though!  
> Jessika is cute, right? I wrote her to be quite young, like 19/20? I was honestly dreading having to write this chapter, with the extra characters and the new setting (idk the first thing abt mountain climbing or bungee jumping can you tell) but it was quite fun and fell together nicely!  
> Poe is so different to write while he's in uniform! I did a lot of research for it, i.e looked at many, many images of Oscar Isaac in suits with his hair slicked back for inspiration. I'm working real hard for all of you, I hope you appreciate it! ;)  
> I wrote the military procedure bits based on what I experienced when I went to a Marine base to see my brother. Military bases are crazy strict about procedure and formalities. I tried to buy a drink at a convenience store inside of one and they wouldn't sell it to me because I was out of dress code lmao!! My brother had to go buy it for me ToT 
> 
> Anyway, tell me what ya think about this chapter!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been brought to my attention that Poe is a "Commander" in the Resistance (I had no idea!!) but I'm already 20+ chapters in and it's a bit late to change it. I picked Lieutenant for Lt. Colonel, which is a decently high rank in the Air Force. And because his mom was a lieutenant. Thanks for reading! <3

Finn walked towards Poe’s room, growing more nervous with each step. What was going on with him? Being around Poe was easy, comfortable, relaxing, even. But seeing him as Lieutenant Dameron earlier was a little unnerving. It made Finn realized that there were parts of the pilot that he’d never seen before, parts that were inaccessible to him as a new, and kind of haphazard, recruit to the Resistance. It gave him a small pang of loneliness.

He ran into Mila and Emrin in the hall. “Here, we got you a copy!”  Emrin said excitedly as they passed him, shoving a piece of paper in his hands. “Where’s Jess?” Mila called over her shoulder, and Finn pointed towards the hall she’d seen her last. He looked down at what Emrin handed him.

It was the picture they’d taken earlier. Finn held it gingerly in his fingers, afraid to crinkle the edges. In it, he was falling backwards with his arms out, a look of surprise on his face, surrounded by the impishly grinning pilots. The expansive landscape framed them, still beautiful even in two dimensions.

Finn tucked the picture carefully in his jacket like it was precious cargo. He decided to drop it off in his room before going to see Poe, glad for the excuse of a detour.

 

Finn’s room was gaining a steady collection of books from around the base. He picked the smallest one _Basic Astromech Binary_ to prop the picture up with so he could see it from his bed.

He looked through his shelves and realized he’d been hanging on to one of Poe’s starship manuals and a couple of his Resistance History books for weeks now. He tucked them under his arm and headed towards Poe’s room again, rolling his shoulders to shake off his nerves.

Finn knocked on the pilot’s door and opened it hesitantly when he heard Poe say “come in.” Finn saw that Poe was back in familiar clothes, a faded white shirt and fatigue pants. He was hanging up his uniform, smoothing the front and adjusting the insignias pinned to the lapels. The pilot turned to him, grinning, and gave him a sturdy hug. “Missed you buddy!” Finn hugged back, surprised. He let go first, feeling more self-conscious the longer he held Poe. His earlier apprehensions faded away. This was the Poe he was familiar with.

Poe clapped his arm, then took the books from his hands and put them on the shelf. “Woulda hugged you earlier, but formalities, you know,” he said casually. He went back to unpacking his bags.

“Yeah, of course,” Finn tried to wave it off, secretly thrilled. “You look really different in your uniform. I  didn’t even recognize you until you walked over.”

Poe barked a laugh. “That’s what I get for being _Resistance Starfleet Pilot Lieutenant Poe Dameron_ ,” he said, exaggerating his title. “I had to wear it every day, had to look the part of hero and all.” Finn wasn’t sure if he meant he had to wear the uniform every day or the title. Probably both.

“Dammnit,” the pilot muttered, shaking his canvas duffle. “I lost one of my Starfleet pins.” He shook the bag harder as he dug around, then shook out the clothes he’d just folded.

It dawned on Finn that Poe had an enormous burden, trying to be both a symbol to the New Republic and strength to the Resistance. Nearly every recruit under his rank on base would light up any time he encouraged them or even just stopped to see what they were doing. He kept them all stepping lighter, feeling hopeful. Now he had to wear his entire title and keep to strict military procedure in an effort to impress the New Republic and keep the Resistance well-funded and cared for. _I just wanna keep them all  safe,_ Finn remembered him saying during their talk so many months ago. He thought about how long Poe had held on to the hug earlier, and felt bad that he’d let go so quickly.

Poe still hadn’t found his badge. He sighed angrily as he paced his room, looking at the floor, desperate to find it. He raked a hand roughly through his hair, seeming to forget that Finn was in the room.

Finn’s hand twitched, wanting to touch Poe somehow. How should he go about doing this? It always seemed so easy for the pilot to reach out to everyone around him. Poe was looking away from him so Finn tried it now, reaching his hand out to stop Poe and grip his arm.

“I’m sure you did a great job out there,” he said sincerely. The touch seemed to calm something in the pilot, and he stopped his frantic search. Finn’s confidence grew and he put his other hand on Poe's other arm. “I’ll help you find your pin, alright?”

Poe rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Thanks, Finn. It was a hard trip,” he laughed softly. His head lolled back and he stared at the ceiling, his hair brushing against Finn’s forearms.

“Don’t get me wrong, I do like the attention.” The pilot’s mouth twitched into a hint of a smile. “But ten days of talking about the Battle of Starkiller Base to non-combatants while they ooh’d and ahh’d was a bit much.” The pilot remembered how he’d had to push down the memory of Ello Asty like bile down his throat every time he’d told the story. At formal dinner after formal dinner, and meeting after meeting, a new crop of faces showing up to be entertained, as if Poe were a  bard and warfare were some legend he’d made up.

The pilot gave a tired smile. “But it is what it is. I’ll give the Resistance whatever they need of me.” He had heard himself get announced as his official title over and over again for the past two weeks and it had begun to feel like a bind, with the awards and commendations he was so proud of pressing on him like weights.

Fin turned Poe around and hugged him then, this time not letting go until the pilot did.

“You wanna come out to the hangar with me?” Poe asked as he loosened his grip around Finn. “I was in a transport with politicians for 20 hours today in full uniform, I can’t stay cooped up in this room.”

“Of course,” Finn said, eager to give the pilot some respite from his trying assignment.

 

Being out in the open space of the hangar brought Poe out of his reflective, anxious mood. He was eager to see his starship after being away so long. He climbed up onto the topmost wing, inspecting the repairs that BB-8 had been working on. “Compressor still needs adjusting,” he said to himself, then called down to Finn. “Hey can you pass me up the hex wrench?”

Several minutes and a few more tools later, Poe was vibrating with energy and talking energetically about his trip to the New Republic planets. The stories got more and more hilarious as Poe went on and now the pilot was gesturing wildly as he told Finn of the more ridiculous parts of his assignment.

“You know during the formal dinners, they give you three spoons, three forks and two knives just to eat one meal? I kept using the same spoon and some butler comes up to me and says 'Master Dameron, this is the soup course, please use the soup spoon. Master Dameron, this is the tastings course, please use the tasting spoon.' I was just trying to eat!” He ran a hand through his curls, grinning at Finn who was laughing beneath the wing. “Week and a half with diplos, I swear I was gonna jump out of my skin!”

Poe was practically yelling now, and the metal walls of the hangar seemed to amplify the sound of his voice. “And then I had to ride with them in the transport all the way back? My whole body is screaming from having to sit still for so damn long!” He rolled his shoulders and shook out his torso and his arms.

Finn laughed, even as he shushed the pilot. “Be quieter!“ He said between gasps, “All that uniform-wearing is gonna go to waste if they catch you in here, yammering like a howler monkey.”

Poe was laughing with him. “They’re in the main base in the civ bunks, far away from here.  I’m a howler monkey?” He acted insulted.

Finn waved the next tool up at him. “I said you’re yammering like one.” Their interaction was back to what it had been before Poe had left, and Finn had fallen back into the rhythm of their banter with ease.

The pilot reached out for the tool Finn was holding, his hair falling over his face as he leaned over the side of the X-wing.

 “Aw, your hair looks terrible now, it looked so nice earlier!” Finn teased as he handed the tool to Poe.

“Oh yeah?” Poe tried not to smile too hard at the compliment. He self-consciously pushed his hair back, tucking in whatever curls he could behind his ear. He looked over at Finn. “Hey, tell me about your little adventure with Jessika!”

Finn told him about the climb up, omitting the part about his memory lapse, and the sweeping view at the top. He told the pilot how frightening it had been, to stand at the precipice and fight every nerve screaming in his body telling him to get away from the edge. “I really didn’t think I was gonna do it, Poe. I had to make them push me.”

“What did the jump feel like?” The pilot had looked up from his work to listen to Finn, mouth open in awe.

“Like I was gonna die!” Fin was laughing again. “Like my whole body was compressing and expanding at the same time. Like I was gonna explode, like I was flying.” _Like looking at you sometimes._ The thought came unbidden.

The pilot shook his head slowly. “That sounds crazy. I cannot believe that kid actually tested that shitty harness in the simulators. How’d she get the clearance to go in there?” Poe thought a moment, then rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead, looking both annoyed and impressed. “Never mind, she probably didn’t get clearance _at all._ I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that part.”

“You've never gone with her?”

“Nah,” he shook his head. “Wouldn’t wanna ruin the fun for the younger recruits. I remember how it was, feeling like you could never relax around your C.O. I think she gets lonely when me and Snap are both gone at the same time, though. I’m glad you went with her.” The pilot grinned down at Finn. “You’re lucky. She only invites people on her secret little trips if she really likes ‘em.” Finn smiled, warming from the compliment.

“She’s a good kid, a brilliant pilot,” Poe continued. “So level-headed when we’re up there,“ he gestured at the sky with his tool, “but so reckless when we’re on the ground.” He popped his head up from his work to look around the hangar. “She left this place looking like shit when I saw it earlier. I’m glad she got it cleaned up.”

“I helped her,” Finn admitted. “She’s pretty bad at cleaning.”

Poe looked exasperated. “You don’t have to do that. She knows what working order is and she needs to follow it.” The pilot looked over at him, his face softening into a smile. “You really are too good to all of us, Finn.”

Finn huffed a laugh. He’d gone two weeks without Poe’s compliments and he was a little unused to the weight of them now.

 

The pilot swung down from his perch on the X-wing. “I’m all done here,” he said as he wiped the grease from his hands on a stray cloth. He walked over to the switches on the wall and started shutting down the hangar’s main lights.

Finn felt his heart drop a little with every light that Poe turned off. He didn’t want to leave the pilot’s company yet. He tried to think of something to say as Poe walked towards him, both of them illuminated by just the green, gold, and red of the runway lights.

Even in the dark Finn could see the soft smile on Poe’s face, the tender creases around his eyes. The pilot looked up and whistled. “Clearest night we’ve gotten in a while,” he murmured. He turned back to Finn. “You know anything about constellations? I could teach you.”

 

 

They climbed up the hill that the hangar had been carved into, laughing every time they slipped on the damp grass, grasping each other’s hands to keep the other from falling. They sat on an incline, their feet braced by a concrete tier. Poe pointed at star after star, giving their names to Finn like small gifts, Finn listening with rapt attention.

“You can even see the edge of the Illenium system tonight,” Poe breathed, in awe. He leaned towards Finn and pointed towards the dense cluster of stars arching over the sky.

“This is incredible,” Finn murmured. He elbowed the pilot playfully. “I think this might even beat the view Jess showed me today.”

In the dark, Poe’s laughter seemed to electrify the air around them. “Two views in one day? You’re just everyone’s favorite, huh?” The pilot elbowed him back.

Another compliment. Finn felt the heat rise in his face. Not just his face; Poe’s presence seemed to warm all of him, and it radiated from his core, flooding his head and reaching all the way to his fingertips.

He saw Poe grimace out of the corner of his eye and bring his hand to his own shoulder.

“You alright?” Finn asked gently.

“Shoulder’s  starting to really hurt.” The pilot rolled his arm back as he massaged the aching muscles, trying to get the tension out.

“Probably shouldn’t have worked on the X-wing so long.”

Poe murmured in agreement.

Finn was getting the urge to touch him again, but it felt like an indulgence. He’d already gotten so many hugs and little touches today, it seemed greedy to take any more. _But he’s been away so long_ he reasoned to himself. “Here let me,” he heard himself say, as he reached out behind Poe’s head, placing his hand underneath the pilot’s own.

He rubbed the muscles gently, and pushed his palm against Poe’s trapezius. The pilot hummed in appreciation.

“Aching from sitting in a transport. ‘m gettin’ old,” The pilot murmured softly.

“Everybody’s getting old,” Finn shrugged, feeling the fatigue of his earlier hike settling into his muscles.

Poe turned his head, and Finn felt the feather-light brush of the pilot's lips against his knuckles. He ran his thumb down the line of Poe’s shoulder one more time and gave a reassuring squeeze before dropping his hand. He lay back against the grass and felt Poe do the same.

Finn rubbed his eyes. It was getting late and they should really head back soon. He turned towards Poe to say something and saw the pilot looking back at him, his eyes alight with the gold and green of the runway. Even dampened by the darkness around them, Poe’s gaze felt like a physical weight pressing against Finn. Finn let out a soft breath, wanting to dissipate some of the heat he could feel rising in his body.

Poe propped himself up and leaned over him, then pressed against him, closer, and closer-

Finn reeled when he felt the pilot’s lips on his own. He felt like he was falling, like he’d jumped off the cliff again. He gasped a little, and Poe moved his mouth to capture his top lip, then bottom lip, between his. Finn’s head was closing in, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest; he was beginning to feel like he was on the verge of a panic attack. He jerked away.

“What was that?” He asked frantically. “What _was_ that?”

“Finn I-“

Finn looked at Poe, confusion clouding his head. His lips were still tingling and it was making his chest hurt. He brushed the back of his hand roughly against them, wanting desperately for the compression in his chest to ease.

Poe looked devastated. “I didn’t mean to, I mean, I shouldn’t have-” he stammered, squeezing his eyes shut.

Finn tried to take steady breaths, just like he was supposed to and waited for the pilot to help him calm down, to help ease what felt like a coming panic attack, and explain what just happened, what he was doing.  Instead, Poe got up, his arms trembling. “I’m so sorry, Finn” the pilot repeated. “I’m-I’m gonna go.”

Finn watched him skid down the hill and jog back towards the base. He sat on the hangar alone, feeling like the sky was going to swallow him whole.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!!!


	8. Chapter 8

“Kriff, shit, fuck, _fuck_!” Every curse Poe knew rolled off his tongue as he paced his room, running his hand over his eyes. What did he just do? The look on Finn’s face was-

Poe groaned and massaged his head, as if he could push the memory out. Finn had been so shocked that he’d wiped his lips off on his hand. He’d practically rubbed them off completely.

Poe was angry with himself. And embarrassed. He felt like he’d taken advantage of Finn’s trust. It was true that he didn’t really have a rank and Poe wouldn’t be his commanding officer even if he had one, but still. He’d wanted to become someone Finn trusted, someone the man could depend on. Finn deserved that, he deserved _everything_ Poe could give, and that included his restraint.

He’d apologize tomorrow, first thing. He hadn’t slipped any tongue in _thank god_. This was salvageable. He could blame it on the long day he’d had, the 20 hours in hyperdrive, on-

Poe suddenly remembered the New Republic was here and wondered when he would even get the time to speak to Finn. He sat on his bed, hyperventilating.

 “Sorry, Finn,” he muttered to himself, practicing, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”  

He wanted to believe he could salvage this, get back Finn’s trust and go back to having the little talks between them that eased so much in himself, but he remembered Finn’s face when he’d jerked away, how the moment between them had snapped like a splintering branch.

 _We’ll never have nights like this again,_ Poe realized. He remembered the way Finn had looked up to the sky as he pointed above them. The dim glow of the runway had glimmered against his dark skin, and his eyes reflected the sweeping stars above them. Poe had known then that he loved Finn, fiercer than anything he'd ever felt in his life.

He felt himself tearing up and he pressed his palms into his eyes, like he could physically stop them. _I’m so, so sorry, Finn_.

The stress of the entire day gripped the pilot; the two week mission had taken its toll on him physically and emotionally, and now he felt waves of deep, overwhelming sadness cresting up inside of him as he realized what he'd lost.

Poe put his head in his hands and tried to take even breaths, unwilling to let the tears fall. His heart _ached_. He gasped at the pain, and it broke his resolve. Tears flooded down his face. He cried in a way he never let anyone see, gasping sobs racking his shoulders, his chest, the keen sense of loss shaking the very core of him.

_I’m so sorry Finn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm REALLY sorry! When I started this fic, I did not set out to break Poe into little pieces, it just happened that way!! Don't worry though, this is a 3-day weekend for me so I'll plunk out a couple updates before next Tuesday. <3 <3 Thoughts, comments, questions (not plot questions, obvs)??


	9. Chapter 9

Finn wasn’t sure how long he sat alone on the hangar, taking deep breaths with his head between his legs until he didn’t feel like he was gasping for air anymore. His heart wouldn’t stop hammering; he could feel the blood rushing through his veins; he heard it pounding in his head and felt it throbbing in every limb. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. Poe had removed himself from his side so suddenly that Finn felt like one of his limbs had been torn off.

The walk back to his room was a blur, and Finn struggled with every step. His muscles ached from his earlier hike, his mind was a haze. He concentrated on calming his heartbeat.

He sat on his bed and realized that BB-8’s charging station was still set up in his room, with the droid perched on it quietly whirring away in sleep mode. The sound soothed and grounded him. He put a hand on the droid and leaned against the wall, shutting his eyes as he tried to go over the events that had made Poe leave him so abruptly.

It had happened so quickly; he was lying next to Poe, feeling so connected to him, so warm from his presence. Then Poe had leaned over and- Finn felt his breathing get short again, and he opened his eyes and tried to think of something else, fearing what unraveling the memory might do to him physically. The earlier pain he’d felt shooting through his head during the hike was making him wary of his own mind.

This felt important though, and he was willing to push through any ensuing pain to figure it out. Finn bit his lip. He shut his eyes again and breathed in deep. Poe had leaned in, eyes locked on his. He’d lowered his face to Finn’s and shut his eyes.

Finn remembered the soft huff the pilot had made before he closed the distance between them. He remembered how cold Poe’s nose had been against his cheek, how he’d licked his lips before he pressed them to Finn’s. Finn hyperventilated at the memory. His lips had been warm, and so soft, enveloping Finn’s so gently and-

“That’s a kiss, Finn,” He heard Rey say. Now he was remembering being at Maz Kanata’s outpost with her, both of them in awe at the array of beings around them, the buzz of activity filling their ears as they tried to follow Han’s order not to stare. Finn couldn’t help himself though; he was looking quizzically at what looked like a Zabrak locking mouths with a human. “Do you not know what a kiss is?” She asked, incredulous.

He’d known what a kiss was when she said it. The word was familiar, and the act became more so as he stared; some of the Stormtroopers who left for patrol would sometimes come back with stories about how they’d been able to find establishments that catered to those kinds of things, physical acts with other people like kissing and-

 “Don’t _stare_!” She’d elbowed him then.

 

Finn snapped back to attention. Poe had kissed him. Poe had _kissed_ him. He remembered the movies he’d sometimes get roped into watching during downtime, huddled with a bunch of recruits in one of the comms rooms. The plots followed similarly with some character hating another, then growing to love them in the end, and there would always be a dramatic kissing scene between the two, or sometimes three, of them. They were ridiculous movies, brought back from random reaches of the galaxy and horrendously acted, but even still, Finn would feel the heat rising in his face as he watched, while the recruits around him just whooped and snickered as the scene faded out.

It was so different when it happened to him in real life; time didn’t slow down, there was no music rising in the background to let him know an important moment was happening, all he had were a few seconds of Poe touching his lips against his, and then a feeling like he might be dying.

He remembered the kiss again, how it made his lips tingle and how he had rubbed them to get rid of the sensation. He should’ve let Poe keep going, keep kissing him and he could’ve attempted to kiss back and- Finn felt his breath get short again.

 _This is not a panic attack,_ he thought as he felt his heart pound like it was about to explode. It hurt like one, though.

He looked at the time: 00:50. _Way too late to do anything now_ , he thought, relieved.

 _What am I gonna do?_ Finn was desperate. In the movies he'd seen, the characters in love would fight, then make up with sometimes violent gestures of love. He didn’t think beating someone up for Poe would work now.

 _How did this work in real life?_ What would he say to Poe, that he didn’t know what kissing was? He felt his face heat up in embarrassment. He wished he had someone to ask. Jess was out of the question, Snap was gone, and anyway, Finn didn’t think he should talk to them about kissing their C.O. He realized he probably shouldn't talk to anyone on base about this, unsure about how much discretion Poe would want.

He remembered Rey’s look of skepticism when he’d stared at the couple kissing at Maz’s. He should to talk to Rey about this! But he wasn’t scheduled to talk to her for another five days.

Finn groaned and dug his hands through his hair. He heard the whirr of BB-8 and he turned to look at the droid, an idea forming in his mind.

 He tapped its spherical casing. “BB-8?” The droid’s head wriggled up from its casing and gave woozy, inquisitive beeps. “BB-8, I’m sorry I woke you up, buddy. I need you to do something for me.”

 

 

***********************

               

Finn woke before dawn to talk to Rey. He strode down the hall that held all the comms rooms. He kept his shoulders squared and tried to walk with purpose. The hall felt endless, and Finn worried someone was going to ask him what he was doing there. Despite the early hour, he’d already passed a few intelligence personnel, who’d only nodded casually to him.

Finally, he got to the familiar door and pressed the code that BB-8 had retrieved, sighing in relief when the door slid open. He shut it and rushed to the control panel to type in the coordinates of the planet that Rey was at. The video feed came on, and Finn was relieved to see that he’d gotten it right. On the screen was the familiar stone room with Rey’s belongings peeking out in the corner.

“Rey? Rey!” Finn called out, “are you there?”

He saw Rey’s legs as she walked into the view of the camera. She sat down, an inquisitive look on her face and started moving her mouth, but he couldn’t hear any sound. Finn looked at the control board and flipped a few switches until he could hear her.

“Can you hear me? I really need your help right now, quick, I’m not supposed to be in here!”

“Finn? What is it? It’s so early there, gods, I thought the general had an emergency or something! Han and Chewy just dropped me off and I heard the comms alert beeping like mad!”

“No, it’s nothing like that, it’s me, I have the emergency. And I snuck in here because you’re the only person I can talk to about it!” The urgency was rising in Finn’s voice.

Rey looked immediately concerned. “You snuck in there? What is it?”

He recounted the kissing incident with Poe while Rey’s eyes grew wider and wider. Her mouth hung open by the end. When he finished, she squealed.

“Finn! I can’t believe you!” Rey chided, as she threw her hands up in the air. “I told you about kissing when you kept staring at that couple at Maz’s! Remember? You lecher!” she teased.

Finn buried his face in his hands and groaned. “You did, I know, I can’t believe it, either. But it feels so different when it’s happening _to_ you than when you’re watching it happen! I really thought I was having a panic attack.”

Rey frowned, sternness creeping into her expression.

“Well honestly he should’ve asked to kiss you first,” she said protectively. “But at least he stopped. Even if you actually did know what you two were doing. I told him before I left that if he did anything to hurt you-“

“Rey you _did not!_ ” Finn interrupted her, aghast.

“What? I didn’t want you to wake up without me and have some swaggering pilot come in and- you should have seen the way he was looking at you while you were out!” Rey insisted, as Finn shook his head incredulously at her.  She shrugged, “I didn’t want to tell you, in case I was wrong. I’m not exactly an expert in human relations, either.”

She snickered at him “Oh Finn, this is quite the situation you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“What am I gonna do? I snuck into a room I’m not cleared for to get you to help me, not so you can laugh at me,” Finn protested.

“Why not both? I love having a good laugh with you!” Rey giggled. “Anyway, didn’t it occur to you that I am the wrong person to ask? Let’s see, my experience with this is...” She tapped her chin. “Right, none! No experience.” Then her eyes brightened. “Oh! Should I go get Han? I bet he knows-”

“No!” Finn almost shouted. “Do _not_ go get Han!”

“Did he touch his tongue to yours? I hear that happens.” Rey clapped both hands over her mouth, excited and slightly disgusted about the possible answer.

“No, what? People do that?” Finn’s limbs buckled a little, thinking about Poe’s tongue in his mouth. He straightened and shook his head. “No! Nothing like that, just his lips.”

“Ok good,” Rey lowered her hands. She was being protective again “He better not have.”

 “Well, now he thinks I didn’t like it! Oh no,” Finn groaned, suddenly realizing something. “What if he thinks I didn’t _feel_ it? Like it got programmed out of me or something? Because believe me I was really feeling it. Like, all over.” He hovered his hand in a “Z” motion over his chest to his crotch

“Oh my GOD! Finn!  I don’t want to know!!” Rey shrieked, covering her eyes, but she was laughing.

“What do I do? He kissed me and I messed up! What do I say to him now?”

Rey peeked under her fingers “Well, why don’t you just, I don’t know,” she motioned vaguely with her hand, “kiss him back? If he kissed you I bet he wouldn’t mind getting kissed back. And that way,” Rey’s eyes widened and she pointed at Finn, feeling brilliant, “you wouldn’t even have to explain anything! Because Finn, you’re really awful at talking sometimes.”

She remembered the first time he’d told her what a big deal in the Resistance he was, stammering with sweat pouring down his forehead.“Your voice starts to crack and you start stammering and that’s probably not terribly attractive, so just kiss him.”

Finn opened his mouth to protest and to explain that he couldn’t just go and kiss him while he was walking around in his uniform, and how do you even _just kiss_ someone, when he heard footsteps nearing the door.

“Shit, Rey, I think someone’s coming, I have to go.”

“Alright, bye! Love you Finn!” She said gleefully, waving in a big arc at the camera.

“Shush!” Finn hissed, then hurriedly whispered “bye, love you Rey” before shutting down the comlink and blanking the screen. Finn straightened his back, then thought better and leaned against a chair, not realizing it had wheels. He stumbled forwards just as the door slid upwards and he nearly choked when he saw who was on the other side.

General Organa raised her eyebrows at him as she stepped in. “This is a surprise, Finn. What are you doing alone in a clearance level 8 room?” Finn steadied himself on the chair in what he hoped was a casual-looking lean and shrugged.

“Oh, I just, you know, last time I was in here I lost some stuff.” He straightened and felt through his pockets like he was looking for something “Some paperwork, have you seen it? It’s got my name, it’s got, it says Finn on it, like, on the top,” he stammered. “Have you seen a paper, General Organa? With my name? On the top?” _Oh god_ , he thought to himself, _Rey was right, I’m awful at this._

The general looked thoughtful as she walked towards the control board “No I haven’t seen anything like that,” she answered evenly as she flipped one of the switches “But you should know that this line of controls turn the intercoms on and off between meeting rooms. The intercom from here to meeting room 4 was on just now somehow. Guess where I’ve just been, Finn?” She looked at him, her face unreadable.

“Meeting room 4?” He squeaked

“Meeting room 4,” General Organa nodded. “And I have to say, it was pretty interesting stuff. Don’t worry, though, I turned the intercom in the room off before Lieutenant Krennak came in.” A smile tugged at the corner of her lips.

“Oh. Thank you for that.” Finn was mortified

“You’re welcome. But Finn, it’s important that next time, you get clearance to come into this room. Especially right now, while the New Republic is here,” General Organa said sternly. “Other than that, you’re dismissed”

“Yes, General. Sorry General.” Finn nodded quickly at her and gave a quick salute before hurrying through the door.

When it shut behind him, Leia sat down and chuckled to herself. She had been going over the day’s schedule when the intercom had suddenly come on and Finn’s panicked voice came through the speakers. At first she was worried, not that Finn was committing some kind of treason, but that he was going to tell Rey something terrible happened to him and that he wanted to leave. The real reason was much better than what she could’ve hoped for. She had actually laughed out loud when Finn told his story. She’d rolled her eyes at the thought of Han giving romance advice. And she’d found herself shaking her head and sighing at his helplessness. At both of them, really, Finn and Rey.

Leia didn’t often get to hear personal stories from anyone in the Resistance. She always kept herself busy, for one. There was always something to be done on the base, always a mission that needed organizing, people to save and recruit. She was beloved as a leader and inspired confidence in everyone, but she was seen as unapproachable by most people, Leia knew. How long had it been since she’d heard gossip? She wasn’t sure she remembered. Eavesdropping on Finn’s pining had been a welcome break in her schedule.

Leia drummed her fingers on the table. She would have to do something about Finn’s inability to contact Rey on a regular basis. She had been impressed by the former Stormtrooper’s ability to meld into Resistance life, how easily he seemed to find roles for himself. Still, he _was_ the newest member, and the only person he had arrived with was now on another planet, parsecs away.

Leia suddenly remembered an old handheld video comlink she had. She never used it now, she’d placed it in storage long ago. She decided to have one of the sorters find it, and give it to Finn herself.

 

 ***************************

 

Finn sat at breakfast with Jessika, the entire meal passing in a blur. He faded in and out of their conversation and barely ate anything. His stomach was too upset, especially after getting caught by the general talking about kissing the Resistance’s most decorated pilot. He wanted desperately to subdue the anxiety and embarrassment that kept rising in him. It was pressing into his lungs, squeezing his ribcage.

He decided to train in short-range combat after breakfast. The physical effort of sparring would calm his nerves, steady his mind.

He was relieved to see that there was already a line or recruits there, ready to train, even this early in the day. This was familiar territory for Finn. He enjoyed hand-to-hand combat and excelled in it; his limbs were adept at moving through his opponent’s strikes, grappling them with firm holds and bringing them to the ground skillfully.

Most of the recruits would clamor to spar with him, eager to put their skills against an Order-trained soldier. The truth of it was that Finn hadn’t been very good at close combat until he’d arrived at the Resistance base. Stormtrooper training consisted mostly of firing range drills.

His failure against the Trooper who’d called him a traitor at Maz’s outpost had fueled him for the first few weeks he’d trained, then his failure against Kylo Ren fueled the next few weeks. He’d wanted to become stronger to protect Rey, and he did, day by day. Now he trained as routine, to keep his skills up and improve when he could. Feeling how strong and capable his own body could be was a welcome respite from dealing with the unpredictability of his mind.

As he took on recruit after recruit, his thoughts were split between what Rey had said earlier and the opponent in front of him.

 _Just kiss him back,_ she’d said. He dodged a coming blow and attempted a parry. It didn’t connect.

 _How would he just kiss Poe?_ He brought his hands up barely in time to block his opponent’s forearm. He huffed in effort as he felt a push to break his block. _Did he just lean in and shut his eyes and hope he doesn’t miss? Where would he put his hands?_ He locked his opponent’s elbow with his arms and swung down just hard enough to throw him off balance. The recruit landed with a thud.

“Another,” he said panting. “Please.”

“Finn, you’re barely wearing any padding,” the commanding officer protested. “It’s way too early in the morning to be training like this.”

Finn shook his head. “I’ll take it easy the rest of the day after this, I promise. I just-I really need this right now.”

The C.O. surveyed him, her brow furrowed. She sighed. “Alright.” She nodded at the next recruit to step up.

 

Finn left the sparring ring exhausted, but some of his anxiety had eased, and his head felt clearer. The commanding officer had told him to get some rest before doing anything else.

He hesitated as he neared the main bay to get to his room. He didn’t want to run into Poe now. He only had a vague plan for how to go about kissing the pilot, and it wouldn’t happen any time soon. Poe would be in uniform now, anyway, heading to meetings with the New Republic, he wouldn’t even be able to talk to him.

Finn stopped and thought about what route he could take to avoid all the main halls. He’d have to exit here, go around the back corridor through the storage areas and weave his way through to get to the back end of the housing wing.

He ran into Snap in the corridors leading to storage, a few other pilots in tow, speaking to some of the sorting droids.

“Hey, you’re back!” Finn said, happy to see the recon pilot home. He was still clad in his jumpsuit and vest, all his gear still strapped on him. “What are you doing in storage?”

“Hey Finn!” Snap clapped him on the shoulder enthusiastically, then scratched his head. “I’m actually trying to figure out if there’s a single attendant droid that’s not waiting hand and foot on the New Republic right now. I brought a transporter full of evac’s with me and they need to get settled.”

Finn cocked his head. “Evac’s?”

Snap nodded. “Evacuees. Refugees, displaced persons. The First Order’s activities put a lot of people in danger and sometimes we bring ‘em here before re-settling them on a safe planet.”

Finn nodded. Refugees. He’d never heard the word before. “Where are we putting all of them?”

“Block 6.” Snap gestured in the general direction. Finn usually avoided that area; not many people went through there and it was near where he’d had his first panic attack.

Snap cocked his head at him. “What are _you_ doing in storage?” Finn felt caught.

“Oh, ah, just trying to stay away from the New Republic,” he lied. “Not really sure how they’d take me, being an Order defector and all.” It was a good lie.

Snap nodded slowly and put a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “You don’t have to worry about your position in the Resistance, Finn. You’re here to stay.”

Finn was touched. He’d never really thought about having to possibly leave the Resistance, but Snap had said it with such conviction that he knew he’d never have to.  He had a thought. “Hey, I could help settle the evac’s.”

Snap raised his eyebrows. “It’s mostly getting bedding and stocking food. You sure it’s not, I don’t know, beneath you?”

Finn shook his head. He’d worked in sanitation before, after all. This was easy enough work after having worn his body out at combat training. And he’d be far away from anywhere Poe might be.

Snap regarded him thoughtfully and nodded. “Alright, Finn. Thanks. Take these guys with you. Vex, Perin.” He nodded at the pilots standing next to him. “I gotta go to a debriefing meeting, you gonna be ok?”

“Yup!” Finn watched him leave and turned to the pilots. “Hey, I’m Finn.” He stuck his hand out.

“We know who you are,” Vex said shaking his hand and smiling. “We were all at the medaling ceremony after the battle on Starkiller. It was kinda mandatory.”

“Ah. Right.”

 

 

They’d stocked the kitchens of Block 6 with plenty of food and were passing out bedding with the evac families lining up as orderly as they could. None of them had very much besides what they could carry on their backs. Finn didn’t have much by way of things, either. But at least he had a home now. He felt a stab of sympathy as he looked around at all their faces.

He hadn’t expected so many children. They huddled around the adults, not meeting anyone’s eyes. They seemed terrified of him, Vex, and Perin.

Finn made a silly face at one of the littlest ones. She giggled and hid behind her mother’s skirt, then popped out and made a face back at him, puffing her cheeks up like a monkey. Finn laughed. _This is fun,_ he thought. A few minutes later and he was chasing a group of them around the compound, their little feet scampering to keep away from his arms. He caught a little one and tossed him up in the air. The boy shrieked with laughter, even as Finn lowered him to the ground. The other children crowded around him, jumping up and down.

“That might have been a mistake,” Perin laughed. “They’re all going to want a turn now.”

Finn tossed another one up, and then another. He pretended to collapse on the ground, and the children all moved to either hug parts of him or try and pull him up. Finn laughed as he felt little hands trying to push him up, make him budge. He’d completely forgotten about the night before, how awful he’d felt when he’d first woken up, and the task that loomed ahead. The gaggle of happy children overwhelmed his senses and filled him with something that felt like hope.

“Hey, we did checkups for all the adults before we brought them over, but the kids are all gonna have to go through ‘em in the medbay.” Vex called over his shoulder as he passed the last of the bedding out. “Can you take them? I’ve seen you working there sometimes. You could show them around before you pass them off to the medical droids, help them not feel scared? Have the droids comm us when they’re done. Perin and I’ll go pick them up.”

Finn grinned and nodded and he tried to group the children together. They were all chattering at once in a language he couldn’t understand, trying to grab his limbs and get his attention. “Wrangling these guys might be one of my hardest assignments,” he laughed.

He managed to herd them all through the main hall towards the medical wing. They kept stopping to poke things or pick things up from the ground, which they’d often press into his hands as a gift. His pockets were filling with oddly shaped rocks and colored wrappers and he found himself doing headcounts every five seconds, afraid he might lose one of them.

When they reached the medbay, Finn lined them up and took them around to show them the equipment. He had a kid wrap a bandage around his arm, another listened to his heartbeat with a stethoscope. Finally, he left them in the hands of the medical droid, but when he went to leave, he heard a wave of protests behind him. The droids chattered to them in their language, but they kept pouting, and a few tried to follow Finn as he walked out into the main bay.

“No, no, no,” he turned around and chastised them gently. “You have to go back. Checkup, remember?”

They pulled at his hands, like they wanted him to stay with them. One of them managed to climb up his back. He felt another child climb up his side. He laughed at their tenacity, happy about how lively they’d gotten since he’d first seen them.

But he had trained too hard that morning and his back was throbbing from the effort of keeping his balance as the children piled on him. The line of his scar was beginning to ache. He felt a small knobby knee press right into his old wound and he gasped and nearly fell over. He tried not to show how much pain he was in, unwilling to startle the children who had warmed to him so completely.

“Hang on.” Finn heard a voice behind him, then felt the children lifted off his back.

He turned around to see Poe, clad in uniform, grin on his face, one child tucked under each arm as he spun in circles until they were shrieking with laughter. Finn’s heart leapt in his throat. Behind Poe, a few dignitaries rounded the corner, yellow sashes with the blue Republic insignia denoting their rank.

 Finn straightened in salute and looked straight ahead, ignoring the strain it put on his scar. He felt more acutely his heartbeat pounding in his ears, his stomach doing flips, his lungs constricting.

“Lieutenant Dameron.”He managed to keep his voice steady while he maintained his position, but he couldn’t help smirking as he felt one of the children try to grab his saluting arm and clamber up his side.

Poe looked up, laughing, from his playmates. “As you were, soldier,” he said, keeping his voice in its disciplined, commanding tone, even with the squirming giggling children in his arms. He nodded at the passing diplomats, who were smiling warmly at the scene.

“I heard you volunteered to settle the evac families. You look like you have your hands full here.” He put the children down gently. They swayed, giggling, as they tried to regain their balance.

“Yes, sir. They’ve been keeping me busy.”

Poe smiled at the children and crouched down to their eye level.

“Ven aquí, pequeña,” he said gently to the oldest girl, motioning for her to come closer. She approached him shyly, and giggled, scrunching her nose, when he started to whisper in her ear. Her eyes widened at whatever he was telling her and she nodded at him. She turned and scolded the other children, who promptly stopped trying to climb up his limbs. Poe grinned at her and winked. “Gracias, mi querida.”

She puffed her chest, looking for all the world like a mini Resistance recruit.

The lieutenant stood back up, smoothing the creases in his uniform.

“I told her that you had a big battle with a very bad man and got injured on your back, and that she needs to protect you.”

Finn felt something well up in his chest. “Thank you, sir.” He saw another line of dignitaries rounded the corner, led by a human relations droid.

Poe watched the children gathered around Finn as he waited for the New Republic officials to pass, his expression unreadable. The children were tugging at Finn’s hands and sleeves, but no longer trying to pile on him. 

The dignitaries rounded the corner and Poe took a deep breath and looked at Finn.  “I’d like to talk to you. To apologize. I have a break at 17:00, I’ll be in my room,” he said hurriedly.

Finn wanted to say that an apology wasn’t necessary, that he’d been the one to mess up. He only nodded. “I’ll be there.”

Poe exhaled and gave a short nod, then turned to walk away. Finn didn't watch him leave, wary of who could see him. He gathered the children back to the medical bay, his heart pounding, his limbs numb.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I want to apologize for putting 4,000 words between their separation and their reunion but I wanted to emphasize how the activity of the Resistance is like this big overarching thing in their lives, ok!! It's important, alright!! Also, I gave you a sliver of Dad!Finn and Dad!Poe, so I feel like I can start to be forgiven for the last chapter? Maybe?  
> And yes, my Poe speaks Spanish, idgaf. I will fight someone who talks smack about it (not really, but know that i really don't care if it bugs someone). Guatemalan Poe 5ever! *throws confetti*
> 
> See you on the other side!  
> And of course, thank you all for your kind words, I appreciate every comment, even if I don't reply.


	10. Chapter 10

Finn scrubbed himself in the shower. It was 16:30. His body was so tired from sparring and wrangling children, but adrenaline and nerves had him wide awake. He felt the blood pumping through all his limbs and he felt like his whole body was going to catch on fire. He’d run the water on the cold side to temper it.

He ran his plan over in his head. He had no experience with kissing, so he had to make up for it by looking amazing and smelling really good, he’d decided. 

He stepped out and looked at himself in the mirror. He was attractive, right? Broad muscles corded his limbs, his dark skin taut against them. The deep orange tones in his skin gleamed from beneath the brown-black hues as he moved under the light to look at his face from different angles.

Finn rolled his shoulders and moved his neck back and forth like he was getting ready to spar. He looked good, strong. He looked in the small cupboard above the sink and found cologne. It was Branagh’s, the recruit he shared the bathroom with. He sniffed at it, and patted a few drops on his neck.

He picked at his hair, and turned his head to check the lines he buzzed into the sides periodically. They needed cleaning up. He picked up a buzzer and got to it, carving them out perfectly straight, his wrist straining to keep his hand steady. He patted the rest of his kinky hair down, making sure every tight coil was in place.

Finn went through his closet and put on a  white long-sleeve shirt and a pair of black pants with flat cargo pockets running up the side. He looked in the mirror and picked at the clothes.

“Just go for it,” he told himself. “Don’t even let him talk, don’t wait too long or you’ll lose your nerve.” The shirt he was wearing had three buttons; he unbuttoned all of them. “Hands on the man’s shoulders, lean in, touch your lips to his.” He looked down and shook his head and buttoned one back up. “Don’t headbutt him. Don’t shut your eyes ‘til you get really close. You don’t wanna miss.” He shook out his shoulders.

“You can do this,” he nodded at his reflection. “You’ve got this.”

 

***************************

 

Poe opened the door and stepped aside to let him in. He raised his eyebrows a little at Finn’s appearance as he shut the door behind them.

“Thanks for coming, Finn.” Poe walked to the other side of his room, to clear the exit to let Finn leave whenever he wanted. He sounded so serious, so formal, his brows knit together slightly, his hands behind his back like he was running down a list of objectives for a mission. The uniform didn’t help. He took a deep breath and looked Finn dead in the eye. “I need to apologize for yesterd-“

Finn moved abruptly to close the seemingly expansive distance between them.

“What are you doing?” Poe looked startled and backed up a step. 

_Oh kriff, let this work._

Finn anchored himself to Poe's shoulders with a firm grip and put his lips to the pilot's, and hoped he was kissing as tenderly as Poe had done the night before. He held himself there for a few seconds, not wanting the gesture to be mistaken for anything else, like he’d done last night. He drew back finally, their lips making a soft smacking sound as they pulled apart.

The pilot’s eyes were shut, his breath shaky, his jaw slack; Finn could see him rolling his tongue in his mouth. Then he licked his lips, as if trying to taste the remnants of the kiss. He opened his eyes to look at Finn. A few seconds passed.  Finn’s heart beat harder and harder. Poe finally reached out to cup his face, hands trembling, eyes watery. The pilot kissed back, long and slow, his lips clasping Finn's.

Finn’s head reeled. The kisses were sending sparks from his mouth all the way down his limbs. He saw stars behind his eyelids. 

“I didn’t think-” the pilot whispered, breaking away, “I didn’t think you liked it.” He laughed softly, like he couldn’t believe himself.

“I didn’t know.” Finn was shaking his head. “I thought I was having another panic attack.”

Poe pulled away another inch to look at him. “And I just left you there,” he murmured. The pilot shut his eyes tight and Finn felt the grip on his jaw tighten by a hair. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”

“It’s alright. I’m alright.” Finn touched his cheek.

Poe opened his eyes and smiled softly at him. He leaned closer and Finn felt another kiss on his lips. _I’m sorry Finn._ A kiss on his nose, one for both of his cheeks. _I’m sorry_. A kiss on each of his eyes, one on his forehead. _I’m so sorry._ Back to his mouth, with Poe's lips a soft pressure against his.

Finn started to hyperventilate from the sensation, his breaths getting swallowed up by the pilot's kisses. He raised his hands to clasp the back of Poe's head and dug his fingers into the curls to ground himself as he moved his mouth to keep up. He took a shaky breath when the pilot pulled away with a hum.

“If you’re any sorrier I might pass out,” Finn joked.

“If you keep touching my hair like that, I might not make it to my next assignment.” Poe’s lips were crooked into a smile.

Finn’s heart threatened to jump out of his chest.

“You smell _really_ nice,” Poe whispered, leaning into his temple and inhaling softly. His heart ached as he realized the effort that Finn had put into their meeting. He ran his fingers through the lines Finn had shaved into the sides of his hair and kissed them. “Your hair is really nice,” Poe murmured, then pulled away to look him in the eyes. “Mmm, and I like your face, ‘s cute.” His voice was teasing but he was looking so sweetly at Finn, Finn thought his heart would break. He moved to kiss the pilot again, who reciprocated with gentle fervor.

Poe wanted to slow down even more, take in every second of this. His heart was pounding, his limbs were buckling, and he felt Finn trembling in his embrace. But he had another assignment starting soon, so he kept pressing kisses to Finn's mouth, his lips getting more slick by the second. He kept his tongue behind his teeth, though, unwilling to start something with Finn that he couldn’t finish.

Even still, the soft hums spilling out of Finn’s mouth were filling Poe’s head. He could feel the heat building inside himself, threatening to set his whole body on fire. He took a breath, but it only fanned the flames.

They were still standing; Poe was afraid that if he moved them to sit on the bed, he really wouldn’t make it back to his next meeting. He tried to run the scenario in his head, what would happen if he skipped his assignments for the next hour. They would wonder where he was, probably look for him around the hangar, probably send out a mass announcement over the base, then contact the intercom in his room. _Not enough time,_ he thought to himself. He resolved to give his affections little by little, in measured increments, and not overwhelm Finn like he had the night before. He sighed into Finn’s mouth.

“I have to go,” Poe murmured at him, breaking the kiss away. He looked down at Finn’s lips. They were so full, so slick; the pilot wanted to lick them, tug at them, see what kinds of sounds would come out. He groaned a little in the back of his throat. His arms and jaw tensed from restraining himself, keep his hands at Finn’s waist, keep his tongue in his mouth.

Finn hummed when he felt the pilot flexing under his uniform. He tried to get a better feel, gripping through the fabric a little harder as he moved his hands up and down Poe’s arms.

Poe groaned harder. Finn’s eyes flicked up to his and saw his expression, all slack-jawed heat and desire. Finn swallowed from the intensity of it, his heart pounding. The groaning was a good sound, he decided. His plan had worked, and it was going _swimmingly_ still. He wanted to keep kissing, wanted to see if that whole tongue thing Rey mentioned was true. But he couldn’t keep Poe from his responsibilities.

Finn stepped back, breaking their embrace, to look him over.  He straightened the pilot’s Starfighter pins and ran his fingers under the lapels to tidy them.  He reached up to smooth back the curls that had fallen out of place, combing his fingers through Poe’s hair to keep it kempt.

Poe watched him, a deep well of emotion building in his chest. He closed his eyes at the feel of Finn’s fingertips against his scalp and turned to kiss his passing wrist. Finn breathed a small laugh, his heart pounding again. Poe reached up and held his wrist in place and trailed soft kisses from his palm, to his wrist, to his forearm, pulling Finn towards himself.

“You’re gonna mess you hair up again,” Finn murmured. Poe drew him close but kept them an inch apart, unwilling to ruin the work Finn had just done.

He pressed his forehead against Finn's, one hand a firm pressure on his waist, the other still grasping his wrist. The pilot kissed his knuckles. Every press of his lips sent little sparks shooting from Finn’s fingers to his chest.

 “I have to go,” Poe repeated quietly, lips still pressed to Finn’s hand. Neither of them moved; the only sounds between them were soft, shaky breaths. A second passed, then five, then ten. Finn inhaled deeply to calm his heart, steady his limbs.

“This isn’t a panic attack,” Poe whispered, looking up at him and smiling gently.

“No.” Finn’s soft laughter was too much for the pilot to resist. He kissed Finn again, lips barely grazing against the other, conscious now about keeping his hair tidy. The light touches against his lips still had Finn panting, though, and Poe took a step back, eyes closed and exhaling, before the sound could flood his head.

He was still holding Finn’s wrist.

“I don’t wanna leave you alone again,” Poe murmured.

“I’ll be alright,” Finn insisted, pushing him lightly towards the door. Poe let his fingers trail down Finn’s hand and brought it up to kiss the knuckles again, then turned it to plant kisses on his palm, a cheeky expression on his face.

“Go!” Fin insisted again, grinning.

“Can I take this with me?” Poe asked, referring to Finn’s hand. “Just this part, I need it for kissing. And holding. I’ll give it back later.”

Finn laughed and made to kick the pilot. “Get outta here!” Poe let go and dodged the kick, laughing.

He looked at Finn one more time as he pulled the door shut, biting his lower lip to try and suppress the grin breaking through his face.

“I’ll see you tonight, Finn. I miss you already.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist to accompany the fic, you can listen to it here:  
> http://8tracks.com/justmoonkid/stormpilot
> 
> If you like this fic, please give it a listen, I worked super hard on it. It will hit you with FEELS, man. And let me know how you like it if you do! Tell me if you cry >:) I'll add to the playlist as I write more chapters.
> 
> The tracklist doesn't correspond to the chapters perfectly, more like the general scenes/themes.  
> 1\. Crystalfilm- Little Dragon (Ch1 and 2)  
> 2\. You Only Live Once- The Strokes (Ch 3 and 4)  
> 3\. Flume- Bon Iver (Ch5)  
> 4\. Young Blood- Birdy (Ch5 and early 6)  
> 5\. Swim Good- Frank Ocean (Ch6 and Ch7)  
> 6\. Soft Shock- Yeah Yeah Yeah's (Ch 7)  
> 7\. I Know Places- Lykke Li (Ch 8)  
> 8\. From Eden- Hozier (Ch9 and 10)
> 
> Don't worry I am still writing this fic, the second half outline is pretty much made. It might take a few days for the next update, I'm trying to work out some plot kinks. And some kink kinks. HA! Oh, and lemme know what you thought of this chapter! I think it's quite cute, myself


	11. Chapter 11

The intelligence officer shut the comms screen down and Poe stood to leave, nodding at the New Republic members still sitting at the large half-circle table that spanned the room. He was tempted to walk past the general instead of waiting to be briefed about tomorrow and dismissed by her formally. A few intelligence personnel were going through some files with her at the podium, and he’d have to wait for them to finish before he could address her. He sighed internally and stood dutifully behind them anyway, his hand gripping the other behind his back as he fought the urge to run out.

To his surprise, the General peered at him over her folders and her personnel. “You’re dismissed, lieutenant,” she said casually. A small smile quirked on the edge of her lips as she waved him off, nodding towards the exit. Poe breathed a sigh of relief and headed out towards the housing wing. Towards Finn.

He’d spend the first half of his day trying to forget about last night. His stomach would churn whenever his mind drifted to how Finn had looked, jerking away, wiping his mouth. Finn’s _what was that?_ would ring in his ears periodically as he tried to focus on the tasks in front of him. His extensive knowledge on Resistance operations kept failing him throughout the morning. His mouth would go dry, his mind would go blank, and he’d have to clear his throat and start his sentences over. “Feeling under the weather today,” he’d said apologetically to the room full of decorated officials in front of him.

He definitely didn’t expect his earlier meeting with Finn to go the direction it did, but his body wasn’t any calmer now than before. His stomach would flip and his heart would race with the thoughts of Finn’s smile, Finn’s mouth on his, Finn’s knuckles under his lips. He tried to suppress them, but they popped up anyway and he’d broken out in small grins throughout the evening. He played it off to the New Republic as enthusiasm for their presence.

Poe didn’t really have much time to think about how tonight was going to go and he felt a little unprepared for what would hopefully be their first night together. He sensed that Finn was quite inexperienced. They were both breathless and trembling a little during their earlier tryst, but Fin had seemed like he might collapse in the middle of it. Poe had hated to leave him so abruptly, _again_. He hadn’t forgiven himself yet for leaving Finn on the hangar last night, and his heart dropped every time he remembered.

He got to his door and opened it to find Finn already sitting in on his bed. The sound of the door opening made him jump, and he stood up as Poe walked in. It made Poe’s chest squeeze a little bit.

He walked up to Finn and kissed his cheek. “Hey,” he murmured. His other hand went around Finn’s waist, trying to still the small trembles he felt beneath the soft shirt.

“Hey.” Finn’s voice was steady, even if his body wasn’t.

“Were you here the whole time?”

Finn shook his head. “No I went to dinner with Jess and Snap. BB-8 let me in here.” He hadn’t moved the recharge station back yet. The droid didn’t mind staying in his room.

“Oh? You tell those two anything? About…” Poe motioned between them.

Finn shook his head. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want them to know.”

“Maybe best to keep it under wraps for now, they’ll just razz us both constantly. I want some time for just us, you know? Nobody breathing down our necks.” He took Finn’s hand and kissed it. “We’ll tell them eventually,” he said, not wanting Finn to think he was ashamed of…whatever it was now between them. The _we_ sent Finn’s stomach into flips.

Poe realized he’d have to undress in front of Finn to get in the shower. The thought made him grin like a mischievous child. He held Finn a second longer then walked to his closet and took his shoes and socks off. He undid the belt of the jacket of his uniform and unbuttoned it, then shrugged it off his shoulders. He unbuttoned the starched white shirt underneath and shrugged that off, too, slowly, making a point to roll his arms back a little. He heard shuffling behind him. He tried not to smile too hard, thinking about Finn squirming while he undressed. Was he looking? The pilot turned around with the pretense of grabbing a hanger from the shelf.

He definitely was.

Finn’s eyes flicked up to his. “Did you want some time? I could come back?” Finn motioned towards the door.

“Nope, you’re fine. I’m gonna hop in the shower really quick.” Poe smiled at him and turned back around. He’d need to take his dress pants off before he got in the bathroom. He started to undo the belt. “Sorry, I gotta take these off in here. The steam’s bad for the material.” He glanced over his shoulder to see Finn looking the other direction. The pilot was a little disappointed. He knew he looked good from the back, especially in just his underwear.

Finn cleared his throat. “It’s your room, do what you need to do,” he said casually.

Poe gathered some sleep clothes, including a pair of pants, and walked to the bathroom. Finn glanced at him in passing and the pilot took the second to wink before he shut the bathroom door.

He heard the bathroom’s other door open and Poe yelp.

“Hey, get outta here, I need to shower!”

“I just need to take a piss, calm down, _squadron leader_.” Sarcasm dripped from the title.

Finn’s knees almost buckled beneath him. It was Snap’s voice. He glanced around. Should he hide? No, Snap wasn’t going to come through on this side. He heard the water flush and the sink running.

“Hey I’m gonna go borrow your guide on the Atrivis system really quick.” Snap’s voice again. Finn panicked and ran in small circles in the room as he heard Poe try to protest and saw the door handle moving. Snap opened it to see him leaning against the shelf, looking casually through the books.

“Oh, hey Finn!”

“Hey…hey, Snap.”

“I need the guides to the-”

  
“Atrivis system, yeah.” He pulled a book from the shelf and handed it to the recon pilot, who smiled warmly at him.

Snap cocked his head at Finn’s inability to meet his eyes as he passed the book over. He turned around to see Poe through the doorway, still in his state of semi-undress, tapping his fingers on the counter as he looked everywhere but in Finn’s direction. Snap laughed.

“Oh, sorry, did you think I stumbled in on some big secret?” The recon pilot snorted, looking between the two of them. “Because I didn’t find out about this _just_ _now_.” He walked back through the bathroom to his room, shaking his head. “You guys are not subtle,” he muttered at them as he pulled the door shut.

Finn’s eyes ran up Poe’s body, naked except for tight-fitting boxers, as he walked over to close his side of the door. “Sorry, buddy,” he said sheepishly.

He collapsed on Poe’s bed once he heard the shower running and buried his face in his hands. Things had gone so well earlier, but he had no plan for after kissing the pilot. Their relationship was now decidedly untidy; coming to terms with it in his mind felt a lot like wrangling the children did earlier, complete chaos. What did this mean for them now? What would the pilot want from him? What were they even going to do tonight?

He glanced at the clock. 20:00. When they’d spent time together before, hours would pass by in a blink as they talked and busied themselves with individual tasks. Now what? Were they going to be kissing the entire time? Finn felt his body heat up for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Were they going to be doing _other stuff_? His mind was going numb from all the questions he had and the panic he was trying not to succumb to.

 

 

Poe stood in the shower, letting the water wash over him and calm him down. He’d been trying to be smooth with Finn, flirt a little, loosen the guy up. Temmin’s interruption had thrown him off a bit. He mused about the pilot’s casual indifference about their relationship. At least it made things less complicated.

He soaped himself as he thought again about how the night should go. He’d take it slow with Finn, kisses and light touches tonight, but not much more. Finn still hadn’t quite gotten used to managing his anxiety and the pilot didn’t want him to keep mistaking desire for anxiety attacks. Maybe he’d ask Finn a little bit about what experience he had, to know how much he should introduce and how soon.

Poe smiled, remembering the kisses from earlier. Finn seemed pretty into it. Maybe he’d get to tongue tonight. _Restraint, Dameron,_ he thought to himself. Just thinking about Finn’s tongue in his mouth had his dick rousing a little.

He looked down at himself and decided he should rub one out now. It would be unpleasant to have to manage a full-on erection while he was trying to be sweet with Finn. He knew he shouldn’t take too long, though; poor guy was probably working himself into a ball of nerves in his room, especially after that bit with Wexley.

Poe let his mind wander to their earlier meeting, trying to remember the physical sensations of kissing and being kissed. He lathered some soap and rubbed his chest, down to his stomach, down to the patch of hair below.

Thinking about the little sounds Finn had made earlier during their relatively chaste makeout session had him half-hard already. He grasped his cock and exhaled as he moved his hand up and down. His other hand rubbed slow circles on his torso. He thought about Finn’s hands, the power that he could feel in them despite how gently Finn touched him, and pictured them roaming his body. He imagined that the hand working his cock was Finn’s.

Poe's breaths got shorter as he touched himself, both hands busy while the warm water streamed down his body. He came, panting, to decidedly more explicit mental scenes than he knew they’d get to tonight. He let out a long exhale, feeling much of the tension leave his body. He finished rinsing off and walked out of the shower.

He put his clothes on and took a second to look at himself in the mirror. He’d dried his hair as best he could, but his thick curls hung on to water like roots. He ran the towel over it again, and pushed it back behind his ears. Finn liked it that way. He took a deep breath and couldn’t help but grin at himself, his distress the night before already a hazy memory.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, don't get too excited about the ratings bump yet :P

Poe crawled into his bed past Finn, who still sat at the edge, and sat with his back against the wall. “Come back here,” he murmured, patting the space next to him. He put his arms around Finn as he came up, one over his shoulder, the other reaching out to cup his face. He pulled Finn close to kiss him. Poe decided to hold Finn tightly for as long as he seemed nervous, and lay the affections on thick. He wanted to let Finn know how much he wanted this, wanted _him_.

“Mmm, you smell _so good._ ” He nuzzled Finn’s neck and kissed his jaw, lips twitching in a smile when he felt Finn’s breath hitch.

Poe nuzzled him some more and kissed a line up his neck and behind his ear. “You do all this for me?” He ran his fingertips over Finn’s hair.

Finn laughed. “I wasn’t sure how I would do with the whole kissing you back thing, so I thought I should play up my other assets.”

Poe hummed in appreciation. “The kissing thing went pretty well.”

Finn wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. He smiled when Poe took one of them, pressing it to his lips like he’d done earlier. Finn leaned in to kiss the pilot. He was getting the hang of this. One chaste peck on the lips turned into two, then three, then Finn licked his lips and Poe figured he’d need to start talking now before he did something that crossed a line.

“Hey, so,” Poe broke the kiss away gently. “I wanted to ask you what kind of experience you’ve had with this kind of thing. You know, sex stuff.”

He was being so frank. Fin sputtered a little and his heart started pounding harder. _Couldn’t we just kiss right now_? he wondered.

“Uh, not a lot, really. I mean, the First Order didn’t exactly encourage fraternizing. Re-mediating our heads every few months kinda kept everyone from trying to get affectionate with each other.”

Poe made a sympathetic sound. “Finn, I’m so sorry.”

Finn shook his head. He hadn’t wanted to talk about this now and he said so. “I’m just trying to let you know what I do and don’t know about…” he took a breath.

“Sex?”

“Yeah. I mean, I know generally how things go down during, ah, sex, but a little fuzzy on the details.”

Poe waited for him to continue, his hand still playing at Finn’s fingers.

“I heard stories from the other Stormtroopers sometimes, the things they’d have access to when they’d go on patrol on some planets. I’ve seen some movies.” Finn realized it was a pathetic list. He groaned, and hid his face in his hands, unable to look Poe in the eyes.  He leaned into the pilot’s shoulder with a defeated thump. “I’m pretty sure I’m a complete and total virgin,” he mumbled, his face heating up as he confessed.

“Finn, you don’t need to be embarrassed.” Poe laughed softly and moved to shake Finn from his hiding spot, tilting his face up to look him in the eyes. “I don’t care about what you’ve done or not. I just want to know so I don’t scare you off like I did last night. I know that was hard on you.” His eyes were so gentle. Finn was touched. He leaned in to kiss the pilot.  

“What do you know about anal sex?”

Finn groaned and buried his face into Poe’s shoulder again. “Why are you asking me that _now_?” He protested. He tried to bring his knees up to curl into a ball. Poe was trying not to laugh, but Finn could feel him shaking from the effort.

The pilot couldn’t help it. Finn’s embarrassment was endearing and he was heating up like a turbine. He felt bad, though.

“Alright, sorry, too far, too far.” Poe laid kisses on the top of his head in apology.

Finn could hear the smile on his face and smiled himself. He nodded into the crook of Poe’s neck. “TOO far,” he emphasized, then waited a beat. “For tonight, anyway.” He didn’t want Poe to think it was off the table. He felt the pilot shift beneath him, relishing that he might have thrown him off his calm demeanor. Like every other sexual act, Finn didn’t really know very much about the details of it, just that it happened, and it was supposed to feel good. They could get to that conversation later.

“So!” The pilot changed the subject. “You’ve, uh...” Finn peered down to see Poe gesturing with a loose fist at his crotch.

“Oh my god, _yes I’ve jacked off_ , what kind of question is that?” He was almost offended now.

“Well, I’m sorry, I have to ask, you didn’t know I was kissing you last night!” The pilot was laughing again.

Finn groaned.

“Man, that was a waste of a romantic moment,” the pilot joked, shoving down the memory of how upset he’d been afterwards. “We could’ve been kissing under the stars all night!”

“We could still do that sometime,” he heard Finn mumble into his neck.

“Mm, yeah? I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

“Come up here,” Poe pulled him up and cradled Finn’s face in his hands, and kissed him gently. “I’ll take you out under the stars again sometime,” he murmured. “I’m gonna treat you so good, Finn.” He leaned in with more chaste kisses. Finn’s heart fluttered.

“Would you wanna go out there now?” Poe asked. Finn was being so skittish; the fresh air might do him some good.

Finn shook his head. “I am _way_ too tired to move from this bed.”

Poe laughed. “We’re already having the ‘I’m too tired’ conversation? What, you got a headache, too?” he teased, nudging his nose under Finn’s ear.

Finn laughed, familiar with the old cliché, and bit his lip. He pulled away so he could look at the pilot in the eyes. “I’m not too tired for _you_ ,” he murmured, flicking his gaze down to Poe’s mouth. Poe licked his lips and leaned closer.

Finn got more kisses, a little bit more intense, their lips slicking together in a way that made his head swim, but still no tongue. He wasn’t sure what he had to do to get some. He remembered Poe’s comment earlier when Finn had touched his hair while they kissed. He reached to cup the back of Poe’s head, his fingers playing at the tangle of wet curls there. Poe hummed into his mouth. Finn took a fist of hair, scratching gently at the scalp underneath. Poe hummed louder.

Finally, he felt the bump of Poe’s tongue against his lip; warm, firm, wet. It made him shiver a little. When he felt Poe’s tongue rise up a second time, he met it with his own, moaning at the feel of it. Tongues were _sensitive_. He felt, more than heard, the growl that came out of Poe’s throat, a deep rumble that roused even more heat to his face, his whole body. The hand on his stomach came up to his jaw. Poe held his head in place as he dipped his tongue in further.

Finn couldn’t help the low whine that rose out of his lungs, the heat was building in him and it needed someplace to go. Poe’s tongue kept swelling into his mouth; Finn was panting after it, chasing it with his own, already addicted to the feel of the pilot licking up and into him.

Finn caressed the pilot’s side, up his chest, to the back of his neck so they were both cupping each other’s faces. He felt every single one of Poe’s ragged breaths expanding his lungs and making his chest press up against Finn’s.

Poe broke away, breathing heavily. “How far’d you wanna go tonight?” he whispered, slurring his words a little.

Finn blinked at him and swallowed. “Kissing? Kissing is good. The tongue thing is nice,” he panted. He looked down at Poe’s hand, which had moved to his side, fingers playing at the bottom of his shirt. “I could take my shirt off?”

He sat up on his knees and pulled it up and over his head.

Poe made a sound like someone knocked the wind out of him. Finn tossed the shirt aside and turned to look at the pilot. “Is this ok?” Finn panted, looking down at himself.

“Oh, wow.” It came out in a whisper.

Poe bit his lip as he stared at the smooth skin and taut muscles in front him. He’d seen glimpses of Finn shirtless before. Never this close. Never while Poe could actually reach out and _touch._

Finn inhaled sharply at the pilot’s hand running down his chest. It only emphasized how fit he was, his muscles expanding with every breath in, and the lines defining them deepening with every breath out. _Damn._ Poe knew Finn trained hard, but _damn._ The man was a wall.

The pilot shifted to his knees to get closer.  He moved to kiss Finn, mouth open, tongue leading, forcing Finn’s mouth wider with broad, deep licks like he was trying to drink him from the inside out. His hands gripped Finn’s sides, palms kneading into the flesh. His thumbs ran over the ridges of the tight muscles stacked there.

He moved to kiss Finn’s neck, his lips slick. He kissed a line all the way down to Finn’s shoulder, down his chest, licking his lips when they went dry. He wanted to lick, suck, bite, the flesh under his mouth. He kept it to kisses. Finn was already shaking and breathing like he’d just gone ten rounds in the sparring ring.

Poe pulled away and looked Finn in the eyes. The deep brown-black of them looked back at him, lit with an intense heat that made Poe feel like he was on fire. He wanted to kiss down Finn’s stomach, as far down as he could go before he hit clothes again.

“Lay back,” he whispered, grabbing a pillow to put behind Finn’s head. He took his own shirt off and grinned at Finn’s slack-jawed expression. Poe wasn’t built like Finn was, more compact, lithe, but Poe knew he looked good; muscles wound around every inch of his body and the lines of definition ran between them like rivers cutting through rock.  He rolled his shoulders and bit his lip down at Finn, who was raking his eyes over the pilot’s form. Finn reached out to touch his chest and ran his hand up to the shoulder as the pilot leaned over him.

He let Finn have a good look at him before leaning down all the way to kiss him, deep, slow, thrilling at how eagerly Finn’s tongue rose up to meet his. He broke away to kiss down Finn’s neck again, smiling when he hit a spot near the clavicle that pulled a sharp breath from him. Poe moved down some more, getting a feel of the firm muscles through his lips, feeling Finn’s breathing pick up as he dipped lower.

Finn’s pants had slid down low on his hips, the waist of his boxers peeking through. Poe could see the lines of his pelvis and a patch of short, tight curls leading down. He exhaled, making the muscles beneath him twitch with the feel of his warm breath. _Finn said tongue was good, right?_ His tongue slid out of his mouth, laying a warm, wet line against Finn’s stomach. Finn let out a low moan that seemed to go on and on.

Poe’s eyes fluttered at the sound. He wondered if he should do it again as his eyes grazed over the heaving muscles beneath him. He couldn’t help himself. Poe tilted his head down an inch lower, just above the groove of Finn’s pelvis. He let the spit collect on his tongue before dragging a slick, tight line over Finn’s tensed muscle, as far as his tongue could reach.

The moan that came out of Finn was _loud_.

Poe reeled at the sound, swallowing his spit before he drooled on Finn. His head was swimming, the corners of his vision darkening.

“I need a break,” he mumbled. All Poe wanted to do was lick and keep licking, but judging from the sound Finn had made, the pilot felt like he'd probably gone far enough for now. His eyes were still fixed on the muscles beneath him. _Restraint, Dameron_.

“Finn, I need a break,” he repeated, louder this time.

Finn looked down at him, incredulous. “YOU need a break? I’m the one that needs a break!” He was hyperventilating.  Poe licking him had felt _so_ \- Finn put his hands over his face. How loud had he gotten? _Really loud,_ he realized. Did Snap hear? _Shit._

Poe crawled up to him, unsteady on his limbs and breathing raggedly. “Sorry, sorry,” he murmured, trying to peel Finn’s hands off his face. “You said the tongue thing was nice, so I thought,” he shrugged a little.

“I meant a different tongue thing! Your tongue touching my tongue.”

“Well, alright,” Poe leaned in, licking his lips.

“No, not now! I mean, in a little bit. Let me catch my breath!”

Poe nodded and flopped down, wriggling his limbs underneath Finn to hold him. He got an eyeful of Finn’s  heaving pecs, his muscled shoulders. _Nice._

“Take as long as you want,” he murmured. “We got all night. Well-“ he looked at the time. “I have to get up early but we got a couple hours still.”

A couple hours. This was supposed to go on for a couple more hours?

Finn liked it. He _really_ liked it. But the exhaustion from his day was setting in as his body cooled from its earlier activities. He wasn’t sure how much further Poe wanted to push it, and he wasn’t sure how far he was willing to go tonight. His stomach tensed, remembering the long lick Poe had given him, and wondered where else Poe might be planning to put his tongue. It was a lot to think about.

“We could talk, too, if you wanted. We don’t have to be mackin’ all night.” Poe grinned at him.

“Talking,” Finn breathed. “Ok. Talking might be good for now.”

Finn's tension eased as they talked about their day, how long it had felt to both of them, the long list of tasks they’d each gone through. How much they’d been thinking about each other that day. It was the same dynamic between them as it had always been, bantering, flirting. Finn would get the urge to kiss Poe as he talked, and he’d follow through and they’d start again, touching, kissing, tasting each other in small doses, as much as Finn could handle, as much as their waning staminas allowed.

Little secrets spilled out between the two of them as they lay in the comfort of each other’s arms.

Poe told him about how upset he’d been the night before, when he thought he'd been rejected, how disappointed he'd been at himself for breaking Finn's trust. “It was a long day,” he said, as Finn murmured apologies and caressed his face like he was wiping away tears.

Finn told Poe about the way his mind had frozen when he tried to recall a memory during his hike, about the strange, sharp pain that went through him, like a shock. Poe reached out and held him tight, and kissed his temples like he could repair the nerves underneath.

They held each other a long time after that. Finn thought Poe had fallen asleep. It was only when he looked up at the pilot to give him a small smile, to make sure he was still there, make sure he hadn't changed his mind, that they fell together again. Their lips pressed against each other, swallowing each other’s soft moans, their hands roaming, still chaste, over shoulders, chests, arms, sides.

They lay next to each other, out of breath, their limbs pressed together. The heaviness of their talks earlier had faded along with their energy. They lay grinning at each other like a joke was hanging between them.

Finn glanced down at Poe. He couldn’t help but notice how hard the pilot had gotten over this last bout of kisses. Both of them had felt each other’s hardening lengths pressing against various limbs as they were tangled together. This one didn’t look like it was going away, though. Finn looked at it, feeling both turned on and a little apprehensive.

“Heh,” Poe quirked. “You don’t need to worry about that.” The pilot reached over to hold his hand, his thumb caressing the top of Finn’s own.

Finn was relieved. He wasn’t sure how he’d even go about handling _that._ Still, the thought of Poe being so aroused by him was thrilling.

“Let’s just cuddle,” Poe murmured. “It’ll go away. I did a little, ah,” he made the pistoning motion with his fist again, “earlier in the shower.”

Finn laughed. “You can say it. You jacked off.”

“Mhm. Rubbed one out.” Poe wrapped his arms around him, smiling. Finn did the same, his limbs nestling into the pilot’s own. They were both tired and their muscles relaxed into sleep with every breath they took.

Finn felt as comfortable now as he’d always been around him. A question popped into his mind, and he let it spill out. “What did you think about in the shower?”

Poe shifted in his arms a little. “Ah, probably shouldn’t tell you.”

Finn propped himself up to look down at the pilot. His eyes were shut, like he was already trying to sleep.

Finn looked down at him awhile. A smile tugged at his mouth as his eyes roamed over the bow of Poe’s lips, at the cut of his cheekbones, at the line that creeped up on only one side of his jaw when he was smiling, like he was now.

“Well now you _have_ to tell me,” Finn prodded.

Poe laughed. He brought his hands up to caress Finn’s sides, poking him a little.

Finn squirmed and buckled on top of him, snickering. “Poe. Please tell me?”

The pilot groaned. “I’m trying to kill this,” he motioned to his erection, “and talking about that is not gonna help.”

 “Was it about me?” He felt Poe laugh softly underneath him.

 “’Course it was about you. Look at you.”

Finn grinned. “Was it about something that we’ve done together already?”

“Mm, no.”

Finn blushed a little, but wanted to press him some more.  He lay on his back and hovered his hands over his body. “What quadrant of me did it involve? Like here, or here,” he motioned over his face and chest. “Or here,” he hovered his hand over his crotch.

“Finn! Shhhhh!” Poe was laughing as he brought his hand up to cover Finn’s mouth. He kissed along his jaw, fingers still clamping it tight, and rolled a leg over him to pin him as he tried to wriggle away. “Hush!”

Finn broke his mouth away from Poe’s hand, still snickering. “That dirty, huh? Alright, Dameron. We’ll get to it sometime.” He was teasing, but he felt himself getting warm from his own words. And at Poe’s hardness pressing against his thigh.

The pilot‘s head lay on his shoulder and Finn could feel him grinning. “Mmm, I hope so,” he murmured, his leg still slung over Finn.

Finn kissed the top of his head and ran fingers through his hair. He watched as the pilot’s breathing slowed down with his own. It was overwhelming, being this close to Poe, holding him, knowing they had something between them now that felt important, precious, fragile. Even so, touching Poe like this already felt instinctive. Easy, like things had always been this way.

They fell asleep facing each other, hearts so full that it roused them from their sleep in the night. They took turns waking up to reach out, to tangle their limbs together like ivy before falling back asleep again, their soft breaths mingling together in the dark.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *swings large branch at all your rabid hands* Back you animals! This is a precious thing between Finn and Poe, I can’t just push them together! I mean, it would honestly be easier for me to write that, because let me tell you, I was going crazy trying to think of a million ways to write about kissing. I watched Charlie Puth's Marvin Gaye music video for inspiration but it was still SO HARD.
> 
> Also! Random question for you guys: I’m realizing that “force” seems to be the widely accepted equivalent of “god” as far as curses in the star wars ‘verse go, and I was kind of wondering if I should go back in the fic and change the “oh my god”’s to “force” instead? Or change half of them or something? I’d like your real opinions about this. I started with “god” because it seemed to me like Jedi-ism is one particular religion and like there might be an array of religions surrounding “the force with gods and demi-gods in the galaxy? Idk, it’s not terribly important, but it keeps bugging me the more I write.  
> I also really regret that the tradition of Jesus Christ doesn’t exist in this universe because the curse Jesus Christ! is kind of wonderfully unique and def my favorite lol
> 
> As always, I loove your comments, and questions are welcomed! Let me know how I did with this one <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omg i worked so hard on this please read it all the way through ToT

Finn woke up to the sound of Snap singing in the shower and chuckled at the off-key enthusiasm of it. Less than three weeks had passed since he had started spending his nights in Poe’s room and Finn was already used to this, waking up to the pilot’s scent lingering in the sheets, his mind filled with whatever activities they’d gotten up to the night before.

He would usually wake up alone, since Poe’s duties with the visiting New Republic meant he was up an hour earlier than Finn most mornings. He didn’t mind. He liked having the morning after as a time to process everything, to remember the things Poe had said to him, the way he’d touched him, the things he’d done that Poe seemed to like.

During their nights together, Finn often felt like he wasn’t grasping the moments hard enough as they happened, living them for long enough before they slipped away. The way Poe looked at him sometimes overwhelmed him so much that his thoughts would go blank and all he could do was feel the points of contact between them. Finn wanted to remember it all, lock it away in the reaches of his mind far away from where his memories were so tenuously held together.

He felt around behind his head at the metal shelving that framed the bed and found the familiar piece of paper that awaited him every morning he woke up alone. _Finn,_ it said, in black marker in the front. He smiled; he was growing a collection of the pilot’s little notes.

The first one he got after their first night together was still his favorite. He had woken up that morning with a smile on his face and so much emotion inside of him that he’d had to flip over on his stomach and lay over his own limbs to contain it. He found the note tucked in the shelf when he picked his head back up. He’d opened it a little hesitantly, unsure about its contents.

_I wish I could be here when you wake up. I kissed you before I left though, did you feel it? You’re all the stars in the entire Illenium system, Finn. You shine so damn bright I could barely sleep next to you. I’m not gonna be able to keep my hands to myself tonight, you better keep me in my place. I’ll see you then? I miss you already X_

He had held it to his chest, feeling the warmth of Poe’s affection radiating from it as he smiled from ear to ear. It had taken him a long time to get out of bed and start his day.

He opened today’s note.

_Still thinking about those sounds you made last night, sweetheart. I’m gonna have a hard time thinking about anything else this morning. Hope I get some more out of you tonight. I’ll see you then? I miss you already. Don’t work too hard today, remember what the doc said. X_

He grinned as he folded it back up to put away in his room later. The pilot always worded his see-you- later’s as a question. I’ll see you tonight? I’ll see you then? Hope I see you later? Finn thought it was cute that Poe could think he’d be able to go a whole day and night without seeing him, touching him.

Finn’s whole body warmed as he thought about last night. He’d tried experimenting more with his tongue, swirling it over Poe’s muscles and sucking his skin like he was lapping up honey. That had gotten some soft moans and Poe digging his fingers through Finn’s thick hair, guiding Finn’s head to where he wanted his tongue. Finn ended up giving him head and watched the pilot the whole time, relishing the look on his face every time he pressed his tongue up against his length. Poe hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of Finn, the way his lips drew around the thickness of his cock as he bobbed up and down, getting him dripping with spit and come.

Poe had done the same with him, plus some other things involving a couple fingers slicked with lubricant. Finn had completely unraveled then and was panting, gasping, begging uncontrollably. _Unh, that feels so good, don’t stop, Poe, please, more, yes, ungh, yes._ These rooms were built for fallout, Poe had told him. Nobody was going to hear him through the solid walls and doors. Finn let the sounds spill out of his mouth the way Poe always seemed to, and the pilot definitely appreciated it.

Finn looked down at his growing hardness and considered staying in bed a few more minutes. He decided against it; he’d rather bottle up his need and wait til Poe was around.

He got up and put on the change of clothes he’d brought with him, still uncomfortable about walking out of Poe’s room in his pajamas. Snap and Jess definitely knew about their relationship already. It seemed like they thought the physical aspects of it had been going on for much longer than it had been. The rest of the recruits seemed oblivious, at least about the fact that they were spending their nights together.

Finn preferred to divert their attention away from how intimate he and Poe had gotten. He had managed to integrate himself into the Resistance and felt proud at how he’d been able to blend into the whir of life there, completely unnoticeable among the other recruits even to the New Republic. He didn’t want anything to bring him out of that, didn’t want to feel so scrutinized like when he’d first arrived.

Even with his apprehension, he found it hard to contain the emotion that pumped through him when he’d see Poe around the base. He was always in uniform so the formalities between them gave Finn a cushion.  Still, the pilot would find moments to smile at him as he passed him in the halls, so warm and sweet that Finn would feel the heat of it on his skin an hour later, like he’d been sitting out in the sun.

Finn would only have one more day of dealing with formalities around the base. The thought excited him and made him nervous.

 “They’re finally leaving tomorrow!” Poe had told Finn excitedly last night. The New Republic ambassadors only meant to stay a week when they’d arrived to make sure their funding was being handled well, but one week had turned into two, then three with the New Republic planets wanting more and more detailed reports of their comings and goings. They were impressed with the things the Resistance was accomplishing, Poe told him, and hadn’t realized the number of operations they carried out on a weekly basis.

The New Republic had decided they wanted to establish permanent liaison forces between them and the Resistance, troops who would be familiar with the operations of both factions and could report to either side with ease. General Organa hadn’t been willing to give up any of her recruits to train at the Republic, so they were sending some of their recruits here to train.

“Just recruits are coming, no high-ranking officials. The base will be back to running how it usually does, thank god.” Poe had been so relieved and Finn was glad the pilot was finally getting a break from what seemed like an incredibly stressful group of people. “I might miss you calling me lieutenant, though,” he’d winked at Finn.

 

After breakfast, Finn checked the date on his watch to make sure it wasn’t a therapy day. He was back to his old three sessions per week routine that he’d started with and he was unused to the schedule. Dr. Navi had insisted on it when he’d told her about the shock he’d felt in his head.

He was getting more wary of trying to unravel his memories of the First Order now and they got hazier by the day. He tried it once a few days ago during therapy, under the supervision of the psychiatrist; it set off small popping sensations around his temples and he’d had to stop. They did some brain scans and Dr. Navi found no evidence that his mind was permanently damaged, thankfully. Still, some of the time during his hour in therapy always involved recalling memories up to when he’d arrived on base, which he always did with ease. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of forgetting the moments he’d collected since coming here.  

They were still also discussing his anxiety and his dissociation episodes. Finn had hesitantly told her about his relationship with Poe, since it seemed to consume his mind now. Stress made him dissociate, and the physical symptoms of how he felt about Poe felt so much like stress. She’d only smiled at him, though, and told him that it was typical for strong affection to feel like this. It wouldn’t cause panic attacks, but he would have to discern between feelings of stress and feelings for Poe. Desire and stress to Finn seemed inextricably intertwined sometimes.

Her parting words to him at the end of every session was always “Don’t work too hard, Finn. Remember to take breaks and to take them with other people when you can.” He was trying, and he felt like he was getting better at it.

 

He whiled some hours away with the evac kids with Vex and Perin, then decided to go work on close combat. He’d keep it to two hours instead of his usual three or four, he decided. He passed Snap and Jessika on his way there.

“Finn! Where you headed?” Jessika asked, as she bounced towards him.

“Sparring. Hand-to-hand combat.”

“Of course you are. You’re so dedicated.” Jessika put her hands around one of his biceps, her fingers barely going around the muscle, and gave a few squeezes.

“You should be so dedicated,” Finn mused at her. “Don’t pilots need to train for combat?”

“Not as much as you grunts,” she said affectionately.

“This kid could flip you if you give her the chance.” Snap gestured to the smaller pilot. He perked up suddenly and elbowed her. “Hey, Jess, I bet you a hundred credits that Finn will beat the first four recruits he spars in two rounds.”

“Alright, you’re on, Wexley! If any of them make it to three, you owe me a hundred cred.” She punched his arm. She turned back to Finn and hooked her arm into his. “We’re coming with you to your training, Finn. Gotta see your progress.”

 

The bay that held the sparring rings had been completely rearranged. Only a single ring sat in the center, and the litter of equipment that usually dominated the large room had been pushed to the walls and stacked to make room for the benches that surrounded the center. Finn tried to weave through the small crowd of resistance recruits milling around the room.

“What’s going on?” Finn asked one of them.

“Republic General’s here. Said he wanted a good show for his last day.” The recruit sounded annoyed.

Finn glanced around and saw a handful of officials in the familiar gold and blue sashes and recognized the tallest of them as one of the many generals of the New Republic troops. A few Resistance lieutenants in uniform were there as well, Poe among them. The pilot saw him looking and smiled at him like he couldn’t help himself. Finn smiled back, tipping his chin up in greeting.

The Republic general was speaking to one of the commanding officers who led sparring drills, who perked up when she saw Finn walk through the door.

“Finn! Just in time! The Republic General wanted to sit in on some sparring sessions.” She put his arm around him and turned them both around to walk towards the locker room. She dropped her voice lower. “Listen, the guy is relentless, had us rearrange the entire place just for him and the other diplos. Give him a good match and we might be rid of him in an hour instead of two, get this place in working order again. I have recruits to train.”

Finn nodded.  “Of course. Anything.” The commanding officer had always been supportive of him, helping him improve when she saw that he could.

Finn glanced back at the general, who was conversing enthusiastically with Poe. Poe seemed less excited about having to speak to him or even being in the room with him. Everyone in the Resistance seemed to feel like the New Republic had overstayed their welcome. They all held their tongues well, though.

Finn walked up to the mat and looked around. He saw Jess and Snap murmuring to each other in the corner and glancing at him, probably scheming about how to get the whole crowd in on their little bet.

He won four matches, each of them only lasting two rounds, and laid every recruit he was matched up with flat on their backs. He was trying to put on a good show, but he wasn’t sure if that meant looking really strong, or making the matches last longer. He opted for the former.

He knew he wasn’t really better than the other recruits he’d just beaten, he just trained harder, constantly. He always tried to get a few fights in a day, and he worked his muscles daily specifically for close combat, for strength and agility both. _Don’t work too hard,_ Poe had reminded him. It was difficult for Finn not to.

The commanding officer looked a little stressed. This wasn’t going how she wanted and she feared the Republic general would never leave. He seemed entertained enough at how swiftly Finn was beating his opponents, but it would probably want to make him stay as long as possible to see how many matches Finn could last against. She heaved a sigh when Finn flipped yet another recruit over his shoulder, ending their bout.

Someone in the crowd yelled “spar with Lieutenant Dameron!” Finn knew it was Jess. He whipped his head around to find her and saw her duck behind Snap, the pilot’s massive body covering her completely except for her fingertips on his shoulder as she held him up like a shield. Snap had his arms crossed and was doing his best to look unaffected, like there wasn’t another, smaller pilot hiding behind him snickering. Finn narrowed his eyes at them.

The commanding officer perked up. She looked eagerly at Poe, pleading almost. She wanted these people out of her hair.

The general raised his eyebrows at the suggestion. “That is an excellent idea.”  He looked at Poe as well. “Lieutenant?” He addressed him formally, but his tone was more command than question.

The whole room started murmuring.

The pilot shook his head. Finn saw the little tendon in his neck stand out, the way it always did when he was stressed about something.

 “No, I really couldn’t,” Poe said graciously, but firmly. “I think our Finn has worked hard enough. I’m not sure I’m willing to go up against him. ” He gave Finn a small smile. Finn smiled back and felt a squeeze in his chest at seeing how uncomfortable the pilot was.

 “Lieutenant, this is our last day here, if you could humor us. I’m sure your recruits could learn a lot from the son of Sergeant Kes Dameron. And this ‘Finn’ seems like he could put up a good fight.” The general clapped Poe on the back.

Finn was annoyed, verging on angry. The general was prodding Poe like a luggabeast and Finn had to fight himself to stay silent about it.

 “I’m in uniform.” Poe’s voice was still firm.

“Does anyone have clothes to lend your lieutenant?” The Republic general called out to the small crowd.

A few recruits held up piles of clothes they’d brought to spar in. The general smiled at Poe and gestured towards them.

Poe gave the general a tight smile before walking to a recruit who was roughly his size, grabbing the clothes from his arms, and heading to the locker rooms.

Poe was practiced in keeping his cool around the New Republic, but Finn knew he was furious at being forced to perform like this. And the pilot would hate having to leave his uniform in that damp locker room. Finn wanted to go back there, help Poe put it away carefully somehow, make sure it didn’t crease permanently or get damaged. He sighed knowing he couldn’t, and started his stretches.

He _was_ curious about how the match would go. He hated that there was a crowd here to watch them because he knew Poe hated it, but Finn realized he’d never actually seen Poe spar. Judging by the muscles Finn had been getting well acquainted with recently, he must find some time to get a few bouts in.

The commanding officer handed him some padded headgear, a pair of fingerless sparring gloves and a mouthguard.

“It’s one match, but you’ll need these,” she said, clapping his shoulder.

Finn was surprised. He didn’t usually use them since the type of combat he practiced most of the time didn’t require hard blows, focusing more on arm locks and using an opponent’s momentum against them.

He popped the mouthguard in and wrapped the gloves tightly, testing the pressure of his knuckles against his palm. _Wouldn’t want to break a hand,_ he thought. _That would spoil things for tonight._

He walked to the middle of the ring and waited for Poe.

The pilot stepped out of the locker room with light cargo fatigues and a snug white shirt. His hands were taped and his hair was wet, slicked all the way back to keep it out of his vision. It was a good look, and Finn couldn’t help the smile twitching on his lips. He directed it at the ground.

The pilot grabbed headgear from a shelf and put it on. The C.O. passed him a mouthguard and he popped it in place. He walked to the ring, swinging his arms wide and rolling his neck to loosen up.

Poe looked apologetically at him and heaved a sigh. _Sorry about this Finn._ Finn smiled and shrugged. _It’s not your fault._

“Need to warm up,” the pilot said out loud, words muffled by his mouthguard. He stretched his arms one at a time, then did some high knees, bouncing lightly on the mat.

He nodded at Finn and took his stance, still shuffling on the balls of his feet. He put his arms up and curled the hands that had held Finn the night before into loose fists.

Finn recognized it. A kickboxing stance.

The pilot focused on him with eyes like steel and fuel. “Don’t hold back, Finn.” It was the same firm voice he used as a commanding officer.

Fin nodded and bounced on his feet too, exhaling. He rolled his shoulders back and tried to focus. He felt the Republic general’s eyes on them and decided to follow Poe’s advice and give it his best. A good fight between them would attest to the Resistance’s strength.

 _Whatever the Resistance needs of me,_ he remembered Poe saying. He stilled his mind and felt the taut energy coursing in his muscles as he found his center. He nodded at Poe, then extended his fist out. Poe tapped it with his own. The match had started.

Finn kept his guard low and circled the pilot, wanting to see what kinds of moves he had. Poe showed no hesitation, darting forward, jabbing in rapid succession. He wanted this over with quickly, unwilling to hit Finn for longer than he’d have to. He whirled around and used the momentum for a low kick, right to Finn’s thigh.

Finn swung back and sideways, nearly losing his balance as he dodged the kick coming at him. He let out a nervous laugh. Poe was _quick._ He saw a smile twitching beneath the pilot’s fist, right before it came at his face again, twice.

One connected, but the pilot had exerted his reach and his side was unguarded. Finn brought his leg up instinctively the second he saw the opening and snapped it forwards with a twist of his torso. He felt his shin connect against Poe’s ribs, even as his own head reeled sideways from taking a punch. He heard a sharp exhale.

Finn focused his bleary vision and saw that Poe still hadn’t quite gotten his balance yet; his was guard weak and he was in range. Finn swung under and connected a fist against the pilot’s rib, then landed a knee to his poorly guarded chest that sent him stumbling back. Poe lost his balance and landed on the ground with a thump.

The small crowd around them tittered. Finn heard Jess whoop, her voice carrying through the room.

He walked over and looked down at the pilot skeptically, both of them already breathing hard from the short bout. _Really? That easy?_

The pilot’s eyes were narrowed and he was shaking his head. He took the hand Finn offered and pulled himself up. Sparring matches usually went best out of three rounds. Finn would hate to see it end at just two.

“Was a warm up,” Poe mumbled though his mouthguard. He took it out and ran his tongue over his teeth. “I forgot about that reach of yours.” He fought the urge to wink at Finn and bit down on his mouthguard instead.

He extended his arm out to tap fists again. Round two.

Poe put his hands up, his defense tighter this time. He edged closer to Finn, light on his feet, eyes focused. There was no breaking through that defense with jabs, Finn knew. He stepped forward to try and find a way around it, only to back up again when he saw Poe tuck forwards; that was a wind for a punch to his core, he wasn’t gonna walk into it.

Finn had been improving his footwork lately and he showed off now, his feet switching and pivoting as he looked for an opening. He saw Poe smirk and step forward on equally deft feet, his hands so fast that Finn lost his breath dodging them. Finn’s pivoting kept him from staggering as he dodged, but he was almost at the edge of the ring and Poe wasn’t stopping or slowing.

Finn brought his forearms up and bent forward, taking a glancing blow to his cheek, in order to try and swing back to the middle of the ring. He wasn’t fast enough; he saw the pilot’s knee a second before it connected with his guard. The pain came so quickly, he thought he’d broken a rib. Another fist was coming towards his side as he hurled backwards from the momentum of the kick; he moved his forearm down to block it.

That one glanced off, but the pilot had more. Three blows dealt in rapid succession landed. Finn brought his knee up to try for another kick, only to feel Poe get an arm underneath his leg and lock it with his other arm.

Before he even registered that he’d been caught, Poe swung up and over, and Finn gasped in surprise at how easily he was thrown off his feet. He nearly flipped completely before his landing. He tumbled to the mat with his limbs sprawled, thrown completely off balance. He took a second to collect himself, flat on his back, dazed, before he moved to squatting with one knee on the mat.

Poe was still bouncing on his feet. He looked down at Finn, trying not to look too smug as a grin pushed up the creases of his eyes. _Not expecting that, were ya?_

Finn looked like he wanted to tackle him. The pilot showed off his footwork some more, push-stepping and pivoting at his fastest speed, in his best form. Finn realized his footwork was how he managed to hit so hard. So much of his force came from placing his feet right, and twisting forwards with his strongest muscles.

Finn looked up at him, impressed. Poe raised his eyebrows a few times. _I look good, huh?_

The crowd was definitely impressed. Some of the recruits whooped at seeing how capable and how strong their lieutenant was. Finn could feel their adoration for their best pilot. He was the pride of the Resistance.

Finn rubbed his eyes with a gloved hand, trying to suppress the smile breaking out of his face. _Alright, Dameron, you’re cute, I get it._

The pilot stepped up to him and took his mouthguard out while he extended a hand. “How’s that back?” For all his grinning, he was serious. Finn’s scar was a bad one and Poe knew it acted up when he overexerted himself.

Finn narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him. “Don’t worry about it.”  He grasped Poe’s arm and pulled himself up. The spar was challenging, but he didn’t want the pilot thinking a single match against him was enough for his old wound to start aching. He was holding his own, at least he wanted to think so.

Winning the first round fueled his determination. He didn’t want to lose. The son of Sergeant Kes Dameron, the New Republic general had called him _._ Finn wondered how young the pilot had been when he learned how to fight like this.

 _I am gonna break that guard, Lieutenant,_ he thought, as he saw the pilot bring his arms up again. He lunged hard and fast, punching out and tucking his arms back in quickly to seal any openings. Poe was faster, though, dodging back, sideways, and under. Finn brought his leg up to kick against Poe’s defense. The power behind it sent the pilot back with a _whoompf_ , but his arms stayed up and he caught himself before he stepped out of the ring. Finn realized he might win this by backing the pilot out of bounds.

But the pilot connected a punch to Finn’s jaw that forced him back, then stepped sideways to get behind him to the middle of the mat again.

The pilot let out a long exhale that sounded like a laugh and raised his eyebrows cheekily at Finn. _So close, buddy. Now it’s your turn._ He advanced to Finn, backing him up with relentless fists.

Finn switched his footwork, and retreated at a diagonal from the pilot’s advancing strikes, watching each jab carefully. As fast as the punches were, Finn’s positioning gave him an opening. He slid his hand up the pilot’s extended arm and locked the elbow in place with a hold. Poe’s arm was stuck in an extended position.

The look of surprise on Poe’s face was priceless. He narrowed his eyes at Finn while a growl rumbled out of his throat.

 _Nobody said this was just a kickboxing match,_ Finn thought, grinning wickedly. He pressed down on the fulcrum he’d made to try and force Poe to his knees, keeping out of range of his other fist.

Poe resisted and Finn pressed a little harder, raising his eyebrows at the pilot as he struggled. _You are gonna break your own arm pushing that hard_ , he thought. Poe had to know that, right?

It was a hold Finn pulled often during sparring, a path of least resistance that he favored. Everyone he used it on went to their knees at the first twinge of pain when they felt their elbow start to go in a direction it shouldn’t. Finn knew Poe must be feeling pretty intense pain, but he was pushing through it to test the hold, look for a weakness.

Poe managed to bring his knee up between their arms, so quickly that it barely registered to Finn. The pilot pushed _hard_ , breaking free and sending Finn back. He stood on just his other leg, his balance impeccable, and kicked out with the other, his shin striking Finn’s unguarded chest; a perfect hit.

Finn flew back, feeling a tight pain where the kick had connected that radiated to all his limbs. He fought his own momentum with well-placed steps and stopped just short of falling out of the ring.

 _Wouldn’t expect anything less,_ Poe thought. Adrenaline was coursing through him, forced into his system by Finn’s stellar performance. An all-consuming adoration for Finn coursed along with it, pumping through every vein in his body.

 _Damn,_ but Finn was good. Using triangular footwork to get the upper hand wasn’t a move Poe saw often, or executed with so much elegance. And the kick Poe had just delivered would have knocked anybody else flat on their back. Finn had been saved by his footwork and his sheer strength. The man was muscled like a rock face, like an entire mountain.

Poe found his mind drifting to more metaphors about Finn’s muscles and shook his head to focus. He could end this now with another grapple and flip. It would hurt Finn much less than another bout with fists, kicks, and knee strikes.

Poe got his arm underneath the leg that Finn had kicked out to keep from falling back. Finn tried to pull out of it, but the pilot held on. He tried to be subtle while he ran his eyes over Finn, a grin playing at his lips. He raised his eyebrows a few times, arm still firmly wrapped around Finn’s leg. _Remind you of last night? You were on your back, though._

Finn was shaking his head, glaring bullets at the pilot. _I swear to god, Poe, if you don’t get that look off your face._ There was no getting out of the hold. Finn could get a jab in, but knew that even if it connected, he would get flipped right after and the round would be over.  He could try to jump and twist his entire body out of it, and with any other opponent they would both end up on the ground and it would be a tie. Finn knew Poe would feel it as soon as he tried it, though, and he’d get flipped before he could finish the move.

This round, and the match, went to Poe. Finn only wondered how he was going to get thrown and how far. He wondered if Poe was just going to let go, both of them knowing he already won. He didn’t want that. This was a spar, not a date. “You better finish this.” Finn said, still glaring. “Can’t dance around forever.”

“You just gonna give up, then? Not gonna swing at me?” _You like my face too much?_

“Wouldn’t want to damage the lieutenant when he’s already won.” _I’m gonna have to be looking at that face later._

“Come on Finn, last chance. You can still try to get out of this. It’ll be a good lesson for you.” _Twist out of this, it’s gonna be great._

Finn resented Poe using his commanding officer voice when he had such a cheeky look on his face. What was he plotting? Regardless, the pilot was right. He should be utilizing every moment of this match to learn. Poe knew how to bait him, knew how dedicated he was to improvement.

“If you say so, Lieutenant.” Finn took a deep breath. He regarded Poe carefully, then whipped his torso around as hard as he could while he brought his other leg up.

 

Poe heaved his leg upwards, and grabbed his other leg as it came up to push Finn’s momentum further. Finn did a full flip and then some before landing on the mat, flat on his back.

Poe took off his headgear and hovered over him, sweat plastering his curls, a wide grin on his face. “Lesson is: more mass means more momentum.” He raked his eyes over Finn’s body, at the shirt that had been shucked up to reveal half of Finn’s abs, and licked his bottom lip, taking advantage of the fact that his hair had hidden his face from the crowd.

That wasn’t a good lesson _at all_. Finn had already known that. It was just a flimsy excuse to flip him to his back and flirt with him and check out his muscles. Finn fought the urge to laugh out loud as he lay against the mat. His whole chest shook from the effort and he shook his head with it, not believing that _this_ was the guy he was spending all his time with. The pilot laughed for both of them as he put out a hand to help Finn up. He didn’t let go once he was.

Finn realized that the crowd was cheering around them. It had been a good fight.

Poe drew Finn into a bear hug, clapping him on the shoulder. “ _Well done,_ Finn.” He said it so everyone around them could hear. The pilot was grinning from ear to ear and he couldn’t help but hang on to Finn for just a second, his hands lingering on Finn’s arms, before letting go to push him gently to the locker room.

“Go get cleaned up. See to those injuries. You’re done with sparring for today, soldier.”

Finn glanced over at the Republic General, wondering if he should wait to be addressed by him. Poe followed his glance and looked at Finn to roll his eyes. “I’ll deal with him,” he murmured. “Go rest.”

It took a long time for Finn to get through the crowd with everyone clapping him on the shoulder or trying to shake his hand. All the attention made him feel like he was expanding, like a star system, like his insides were stretching out to reach all the way through his limbs to fill the hollows deep within him. It had him grinning from ear to ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I wrote a sparring scene, ok? I couldn’t resist, and anyway I tried to weave in bits about how their relationship has been progressing through it. Hope you read it all the way through, you sinners!!  
> Damn, I’m proud of this. I based descriptions of Finn’s fighting style off of Bagua and Eskrima. Poe was like UFC mixed martial arts type stuff. Whatcha think? Tell me about your fav aww! moment and ahh! moment from the chapter because like Tinkerbell, I wither away with no attention.


	14. Chapter 14

Finn stepped out of the shower and checked himself in the mirror for bruising. He’d gotten a shot of painkillers from the medbay and most of his other bruises didn’t hurt too bad, but the kick that Poe laid on his chest had been a hard hit. He hissed a little when he touched the middle of his chest.

When he saw the kick coming, Finn had exhaled and flexed his chest and core as fast as he could when he realized his arms weren’t gonna make it in time to block. That had probably saved him from a broken rib.

He pressed his fingertips gingerly against his pecs, trying to figure out where the pain ended. The worst of it was a six inch diameter right on his sternum. It would probably take a week and a half to go away completely. He sighed, knowing he probably wouldn’t be allowed to spar for a while. _I could work on agility,_ he thought. He put his pants on just as he heard a knock on the door. He answered it shirtless.

It was Poe, freshly showered and in his usual tan shirt and dark fatigue pants, sporting a cut on his lip and a bruise along his jaw. He was leaning with his forearm against the doorway and looking up at Finn through his lashes, sheepish, apologetic. “Can I come in?”

The look the pilot was giving him was one of Finn’s favorites. It made him look so young, so sweet, and it made Finn want to kiss him. He feigned annoyance instead.

“Well, look who it is! Come to beat my ass some more?” He left the door open and turned around to ignore the pilot.

Poe shut the door and walked up to him with his arms out, trying to corral Finn into them. “Finn, I’m sorry!” Finn chuckled when he felt the pilot’s hands touching his sides, but kept his back to him, shaking his head as he pretended to look over the missives on his datapad.

He felt kisses on his shoulder. “Honey, I’m sorry. _I’m sorry_.” A line of kisses to his neck and his other shoulder. Finn turned his head to look at him. Poe had his mouth pressed against Finn and he was looking up at him behind his shoulder.

“You’re smiling!” Finn protested. He shook the pilot off.

Poe laughed. “You were so good out there! Makes me smile, what can I say?” Poe grinned, as he looked over Finn’s muscles appreciatively. “You were so strong, so fast.”

“You were stronger and way faster.”

“Well, I’ve been at this a long time.”

Finn growled at the pilot and narrowed his eyes. “What do you want?”

The pilot shrugged a little as he backed up. “Forgiveness? If you forgive me I had some other stuff in mind.” He sat on Finn’s bed and looked up at him. The smile on his face was decidedly unchaste.

Finn couldn’t keep up his charade. He walked up to Poe, his smile growing with every step, and bumped the pilot’s forehead with his own. “You’re pretty cute, Lieutenant. “ He straddled the pilot, knees on either side of him.

Poe hummed as their bodies came in contact. He looked over Finn’s torso, a little concerned. “How’s your chest? That was a hard kick you took.”

 “It’s so sore, but I’m fine, I went to the medbay afterwards. Iced everything, got some painkillers.”

Poe laid soft kisses on his sternum, right where his shin had connected.

Finn looked down at him, feeling his heart well up. Poe was always so gentle when they were together like this, so careful.

“You didn’t go easy on me did you?” Finn asked. It had seemed like a fair fight.

“I hit you with everything I had, Finn. The only reason I didn’t break your bones is because you protected yourself.” The pilot smiled admiringly up at him. He kissed a line up Finn’s neck. “You were incredible. And it took a lot out of me to take you down.” The pilot’s voice was getting low and raspy, the way it did when he’d sweet talk him in bed. “You looked great out there.”

Finn smiled at all the compliments, and Poe felt something squeeze in his chest. He loved that smile; it lit up Finn’s eyes, made them look like rising suns coming to warm him up. They darkened again as they trailed down Poe’s chest and lower.  

“Do you have to go back soon?” Finn was biting his lip.

“Nah. After all that, making me get up in front of everyone and hit you?” Poe shook his head.  “I told them I wanted the rest of the day off. Faked an injury, said you might have busted my rib. You’re a strong guy, it was plausible.” His hand made its way up Finn’s leg as he leaned back to check out the biceps in front of him.

The look the pilot was giving him and the hand on his thigh was warming Finn’s entire body.  He dipped his head down and caught the pilot’s mouth with his own.

Poe grasped his thighs and picked him up to twist around so Finn was on his back and Poe was between his legs. Finn clicked his tongue at him. “Your arms must be hurting from that lock. You shouldn’t be picking me up like that.”

The pilot shook his head. “I’m fine, Finn. I’m so strong. You saw me, right?” He had himself propped up on his arms to keep from pressing against Finn’s chest while he kissed and nuzzled Finn’s neck. “I must’ve looked good.”

He was teasing, but Finn was getting hard thinking about how well the pilot had moved during their spar, utilizing every single one of his tight muscles to get his hits in.

“You did look good.” Finn found it easier to flirt blatantly with Poe when he wasn’t looking right at him. The pilot’s gaze made him shy still, sometimes. “You were sexy as hell,” Finn murmured.  He gasped a little when he felt Poe suck at his skin.

Poe sat up and took off his shirt. He had a patch of blue and purple bruises on his side where Finn had knocked him back the first round. He looked down as Finn reached out to pat around it gingerly.

“Aw honey.” Fin murmured. He didn’t use pet names as often as Poe did, but the sight of where he’d hit the pilot drew it out of him instinctively. Finn kissed his side.

“You got some good hits in. That could’ve broken a rib. I’m too tough, though.” Poe winked down at him.

Finn was still concerned. “Is it that bad anywhere else?”

Poe shook his head. “Don’t worry about me. Or if you’re gonna worry, you should, ah,” he straightened up to undo the top button of his fatigues. His cock was pushing the material out. “Worry about other problems I’ve got going on.”

“Really? What other problems?” Finn mused.

“I’m hard as a fucking rock looking at ya.” He palmed himself through his pants, his cock jutting out a stark line against the fabric. Finn bit his lip and tugged the the hips down.

Poe stood back up and shucked his pants off while Finn did the same. The pilot stood over him for a minute, touching himself through his boxers as his eyes trailed languidly up and down Finn’s body. The tip of his cock was leaking precome through the fabric. He licked his lower lip and he groaned like he was frustrated. “You look so damn good right now, Finn.”

Finn’s breathing sped up the longer the pilot looked at him. He felt a pressure in his head, like he might black out, and a heat spreading through all his limbs. It felt like stress, like fear, like a fight was coming. He knew there was none, and he tried to tell his body to calm down a little. _This is desire,_ he thought to himself. _I want Poe in a million ways right now._ He felt his cock hardening and he reached down to stroke himself.

The pilot groaned again. He crawled towards Finn with the same fuel behind his eyes that he had during their spar and he backed Finn up on the bed, kissing up his shin to the side of his knees. Poe sat up, put his hands on Finn’s legs, and towered over him. 

“Am I gonna hear some more of that begging?” 

Finn parted his legs a little and licked his lips. “Depends on you.”

Poe gave him a filthy grin and reached over to the shelf, to the box where he knew Finn kept his lubricant. He chucked it on the bed. “Gonna need that in a bit.”

He looked into Finn’s eyes, gauging his response and making sure that’s what he wanted. Finn was looking back at him, his lips parted slightly, breaths coming out in short huffs, hands touching himself, palming his hard cock. Poe didn’t see any hesitation, just an overwhelming need, and Poe felt it like flames licking at his limbs.

He bent his head and kissed up Finn’s leg, up the grooves of his abs, around the pain he knew he’d caused on his chest, and up to his neck.

Finn was panting now, and he tipped the pilot’s head up to kiss him, their tongues slicking together, swallowing the soft sounds the other was making. Their limbs tangled together and they took their time to build the heat between them, slowly, steadily, like building a fire that they needed to last an entire night.

 The pilot always handled him so attentively in bed, so sweetly, always looking for signs of hesitation or worry in him. Finn wanted Poe to know how much he wanted this. He guided the pilot’s hands down to his boxers and hooked his fingers underneath. Poe pulled them off of him, then his own, quickly, desperate to get his body against Finn’s again, like it hurt to be away.

Finn ground against Poe’s hips and felt his cock twitch between them. A growl rumbled out of the pilot’s throat. Finn did it again.

Poe groaned in frustration and grabbed the lubricant . He stroked a palmful of it on his cock, and did the same with Finn’s. Finn arched up again, harder this time, rubbing his slicked cock along the pilot’s stomach.

The pilot pushed back, his hips pressing into Finn’s like he wanted to pin him. He guided Finn’s arms around him, over the patch of bruises, and down to his hips. He pressed his hands over Finn’s. He wanted those hands to hold him, control him; he wanted to feel the bite of Finn’s fingers in his flesh like he had during their match. Finn did, held him in place as he arched off the bed to rub his cock against him. He did it again, over and over, his hands digging into the muscles on Poe’s sides to keep him steady.

The pilot inhaled sharply every time he felt the slick contact. Finn’s grip barely let him move and the sight of it, of Finn keeping him in one spot as he took what he wanted, nearly made the pilot collapse.

The rhythm of it was building a pressure in his head. It pulled a long moan out of his throat, and he saw Finn’s eyes spark at the sound. Poe didn’t want to be this far gone yet. He broke away with some force and put Finn’s hands over his head.

He sat up a little and grasped Finn’s thighs, rubbing them up and down, and took in the sight. Finn was gasping for breath, his arms above his head, his legs parted, his cock a thick weight against his stomach, so pliant now when just a few hours ago he’d been looking to break the pilot’s bones.

Poe reached down and stroked his jaw. Finn smiled at him, that same sunrise one that he loved. Poe felt a smile twitching on his own lips.

Finn turned his head and licked his fingers. Poe stuttered a breath; he wasn’t expecting that. Finn did it again, his tongue more slick this time, completely soaking Poe’s index and middle fingers.

The pilot let out a husky moan and dipped them into Finn’s mouth. Finn closed his lips around them and sucked, his tongue licking up their entire lengths. The pilot’s eyes fluttered. He put his ring finger in along with it, slowly. Finn blinked at him as he felt his lips stretch out, and licked and sucked the fingers again.

“You think you could take all three for me?” Poe murmured down at him. He reached down with his other hand and wrapped it around Finn's cock, tugging a slow rhythm as he looked down at him.

Finn nodded a little, his breathing getting shorter and shorter. He took a deep breath and nodded again.

Poe took his fingers out and stroked up the crease of Finn’s ass. It drew a soft moan out of Finn and he reached down and to stroke his own cock.

Poe got more lubricant and slicked it over Finn’s hole. He pressed his index at Finn’s entrance and watched as Finn took his entire digit, panting, his cock twitching when his knuckles pushed through. Poe stroked in and up a few times, then put two fingers in, little by little. Two fingers going in and out of him had Finn moaning desperately.

Poe eased three in slowly, stopping when he felt Finn’s muscles tensing. He pulled back out gently. Finn gave a frustrated huff and panted a few husky breaths. “More, please,” he pleaded. “Please.”

The pilot angled Finn's legs up a little, one over his shoulder and the other bent at the knee. Finn was splayed completely open in front of him, and it was making Poe’s head swim. He groaned softly and tried to focus.

“The angle will help,” Poe murmured huskily at Finn. “Try to relax for me.” He pushed his fingers in and stopped at the first knuckle. He heard Finn moan as he pushed through, little by little until Finn was completely seated on his fingers.

Poe moved his fingers in and out slowly, slicking them with more lube before pushing them back into Finn's tight entrance.

Finn ground against him, but stopped stroking his own cock. It felt so good, but it wasn’t how he wanted to come. He put one of his hands over his head and had the other touching whatever parts of the pilot’s body he could reach.

The pilot was hunched a little, his ab muscles contracted and the top of his shoulders visible to Finn. A tendon in his arm twitched as he moved his fingers in and out. Finn bit his lip. The man was a vision when he was in action.

Poe watched as he pulsed his fingers inside of Finn, eyes fluttering every time Finn ground back against their rhythm. He wanted to keep going, wanted to keep giving Finn so much pleasure after dealing him so much injury, but he wanted something for himself. The way Finn was looking at him was making him crazy. He felt himself salivating. He wanted to put his mouth to work. Poe pulled his fingers out completely.

Finn looked at him in protest. The pilot moved back and dipped his head down.

“I gotta be a little selfish,” he murmured up at Finn.

His tongue slid out and gave Finn’s entrance a long lick. He heard a sharp breath above him and Finn’s legs trembled. Poe put one over his shoulder and pushed the other up to get his tongue in deep.  He licked again. A low whine dragged out of Finn’s throat, breathy and desperate.

Poe grinned even as his head swam from the sound. “Mmm, that’s what I like to hear.” His voice came out in a rasp.

Finn’s legs had gone slack. Poe had to hold them in place with the same tight grip that he’d used in their spar. The pilot let the spit collect in his mouth and dripped it from his tongue down Finn’s balls, trailing all the way down his ass and onto the bed. He licked at Finn’s pulsing entrance again and used his tongue to push his saliva in.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Finn gasped.

Poe kept at it, licking a steady rhythm, holding Finn’s thighs in place.

Finn was so lost. Soft keening moans were spilling out of him to the tempo of Poe’s tongue, a steady _unh, unh, unh_ winding both of them up like a taut cord.

The pilot could’ve done it all day but he had a feeling Finn wanted something else. He propped himself up, wiping the spit and lube dripping from his jaw with his forearm.

“You make me a goddamn mess, Finn,” he panted, his muscles heaving. Poe wrapped his hand around his own cock and tugged long, slow strokes, groaning as he looked down at Finn.

The sounds coming out of the pilot made Finn feel like he’d been dipped in a hot spring and pulled out into the cold. He was shaking, _hard_. Poe watched him for a while, then leaned down between his legs to hold him tightly, pressing against his arms and taking care to not lean too far into his chest. Finn brought his arms up and pressed against him. He could barely feel the bruising on his chest now and he wanted the pilot close. Poe kissed down his face, his jaw, his mouth. Finn trusted him so wholly during sex despite all the emotions rushing through him that made him feel like he was out of control. Right now, he didn’t want to stop, he wanted Poe to know that, to feel it.

Finn’s tongue rose up to meet his, and he curled his back off the bed a little more, leveraging his thighs against Poe’s, and ground his ass against the pilot’s cock.  He felt the pilot’s breath hitch, and he did it again.

“Fuck,” Poe moaned. He was unraveling as he watched and felt the way Finn pleaded for something he couldn’t say out loud. His fuel-dark eyes were focused on the pilot, stoking the heat in him, and Poe felt like smoldering embers on a pile of tinder, any second now and he was gonna be up in flames. He knew what Finn wanted, and he wanted to give it to him, deep and slow, hit every nerve in his body. Poe wanted him completely undone.

“Finn,” he managed to say. His voice was heady, and it sounded far away to his own ears. “I wanna hear you say it. Tell me what you want.”

Finn was still shaking a little. Poe held him close again, licking and kissing his shoulders, his neck, his jaw.

“Please.” Poe was begging in his ear. Softly, sweetly, but his voice was desperate, like sandpaper on stone. “Baby, please tell me what you want.”

Finn blinked and shut his eyes tight. He wanted to give Poe anything, everything. He took a shaky breath. “I, I need you inside me,” he whispered.

Poe angled up and ground against his ass and he lost his breath for a second. He wanted more.

“I want your cock inside me,” Finn breathed shakily. “Please, Poe, I need your cock inside me.”

The pilot gripped his hair and kissed his mouth, moaning a little. “I’m gonna make you feel so good,” he breathed.

He sat back up and took Finn’s legs in his arms, kissing down his thigh and back to his entrance, dripping with lubricant now, pulsing at Poe’s touch. Poe grabbed a pillow and but it under Finn’s lower back. He winked down at him. “You’ll thank me later.”

Poe looked at Finn all over and ran his hands down his body one more time, from the arms he held above his head, down his ribs, the divots between his legs and torso, all the way to his thighs. The pilot's muscles flexed as he tugged Finn closer, hands firmly gripping his thighs. He grinned at the gasp he got. He slung Finn's leg over his shoulder and rubbed it up and down. He slicked more lube on his cock and waited for Finn to relax a little more.

When Poe felt his leg muscles ease up, he took a deep breath and guided his cock at Finn's entrance. “You gotta try and relax while I push in,” he murmured. “It’s, ah, a lot bigger than a couple fingers.” His eyes flicked up to Finn’s.

Finn swallowed. He knew how big the pilot was. He wanted to shut his eyes, try and focus more, but he didn’t want to miss out on the sight of the pilot looking down at him. He nodded and took some breaths. He felt Poe’s slicked cock press at him and he took another breath.

Poe watched him carefully, easing in a little at a time until the head of his cock was seated completely. “How’s that?” he murmured down at Finn. Finn reached down to grasp his own cock in his hand and pump slowly. Poe couldn’t look away.

“It feels so good, Poe, please don’t stop,” He panted. “It feels _so_ good.”

Poe felt his chest tighten. Hearing Finn call his name like that and seeing him so needy underneath him, getting fucked by him-Poe tried to keep a level head. He didn’t want to be as far gone as he could be. He wanted to remember every moment, every sound Finn made, the way he smelled of heat and desire, the scent of clean sweat mixed with come.

“It feels good, huh?” Poe murmured, biting his lip “That’s good to hear. Tell me if starts to hurt ok? I wanna take such good care of you.” He stroked Finn’s jaw before leaning on his hand again, his other hand grasping Finn’s thigh.

He eased in further, another inch, and another. He felt the muscles pressing at his cock twitch and he moaned.

“ _Ungh,_ that’s so good Finn. Stay open for me, just like that.”

Poe leaned forward to take himself deeper into Finn, and put a hand underneath his back to curl him up a little. He pressed further, and further, until Finn had him to the hilt. He looked up. Finn’s jaw was slack, and he was breathing like he’d been in a fight. His cock was pulsing in his hand.

Poe pulled out a little and pushed back in. Finn lost it, letting out a strangled moan and running his hands through his own hair. Poe did it again, and again, grinding his cock in and out of Finn’s tight hole, pulling a little further out every time as carefully as he could even as he felt his limbs going numb, his heart pounding in his ears, his cock pulsing inside of Finn.

Finn couldn’t help the sounds that were coming out of his mouth. _Fuck, yes, yes, fuck._ He could feel every inch of Poe’s hard length, sliding in and out of him and rubbing against a spot that made Finn thrust upwards every time.

Fuck was right, the pilot thought. Finn was taking him to the hilt. Poe loved seeing him grind back, his abs flexing from the effort, his mouth falling open when Poe thrust in.

Finn’s heart was pounding in his ears and pumping a cocktail of chemicals into his body telling him to _go, go, go_. But the fight had gone out of him and there was no mistaking this feeling of desire, pure and furious, sweeping through his body like a storm. He could barely feel any pain from their earlier spar, not with the adrenaline coursing through his body.

Finn understood better, now, the real power behind the pilot’s hands. He wound his fingers through them, guided them to grasp him, hold him firmly, like Poe had done in the ring. Finn wanted it, the strength sitting just beneath the pilot’s taut muscles, to press against him, overwhelm him.

Poe saw him grasping, and pulled Finn tighter against himself, strengthening his grip. He fucked him a little harder, but kept his rhythm steady despite the heat in his body telling him to _take, take, more, faster, harder_. He felt the pressure building in his head, pulsing through his cock. He shut his eyes to last longer, but he could still hear Finn’s keening, his begging, and feel him pressing to seat himself further on his length, his knuckles brushing against Poe as he fucked into his own hand

He picked Finn’s leg up to angle him higher and thrust down, his cock reaching deeper inside of Finn, grinding against the spot that had Finn gasping for air. _More, more, faster harder._ He heard Finn’s keening get louder, his voice about to break, and knew he was close. Poe flicked his eyes open. 

Finn had a firm hold on his own thick length, pistoning himself at the same steady rhythm as Poe’s thrusts, precome dripping from the tip. His lips were parted and his chest and shoulders were tensing and pressing up off the bed.

Finn felt his cock pulsing in his own hand as Poe kept his relentless rhythm, pressing deep inside of him, taking him over completely. The compression building in his head and low in his core was unbearable. He realized Poe was going to come inside of him, and the thought of Poe filling him up broke him like an earthquake. _Poe, yes, fuck yes,_ he moaned as he gave way.

Poe watched Finn’s cock streak thick tendrils of come along his hands, his abs. It slicked against both of them; Finn didn’t stop moving, didn’t stop grinding down on him. Poe was losing it, his restraint falling away, and his rhythm became more erratic as he chased his own pleasure against Finn. Finn was encouraging it, murmuring honeyed words at him. _More, faster, ungh, ungh._

Poe was moaning along with him, deep, breathy sounds that seemed pulled from his very core. _Fuck, Finn, you feel so good, so good, unngh, yes._

Poe came like a lightning strike, fast and hot, the nerves under his skin crackling. He held himself deep inside of Finn as he shuddered out the last of his orgasm.

“ _Fuck,_ ” he murmured, looking down at Finn. The pilot could tell he liked it, getting filled up like this, and it made his cock twitch, pulsing against the pressure of Finn's hole. _“Fuck_ ” he murmured again.

He pulled out slowly, feeling every slick ridge inside of Finn as he moved. He gazed down at where he’d been fucking him, and watched his come drip out of Finn. He groaned.

He dipped his head down and licked a line, from Finn’s ass all the way up to his abs, mixing and tasting both of their come. Finn shivered under his tongue. Poe propped himself up to look at Finn and licked up what he caught on his chin and swallowed it. The pilot shook his head slowly at him.

“This is a mess,” he murmured, completely dazed. Finn laughed.

*******************************

They rinsed off in the shower together, kissing and holding each other close, wary again of touching each other’s injuries. The water washed over them, warming their bodies back up. It kept Finn from trembling. It kept Poe from crashing.

Orgasms had a way of easing out every deep tension in their muscles, Finn realized. After they both came they always lay against each other like two streams flowing together. Now was no different; they held each other in Finn’s bed, limbs languid as they played at each other’s mouths, hands, nuzzling and nipping.

“That was some fight.” Finn murmured, remembering their earlier bout. “You really should teach me some stuff sometime.”

“And that was some fuck.” Poe grinned wickedly at Finn as he stroked his hair. "I felt like I was teaching you a couple things."

Finn snickered and shook his head at the pilot. He realized it was yet another first that he had breached with Poe in the past few weeks. He pressed in close to the pilot's neck. “I’m serious about the teaching me thing. I could use some lessons in delivering kicks like that. I’ve got a good range for it.”

Poe nodded. “Mmm, that’s true, but I don’t know if it would stay a lesson in sparring for very long. I’m actually serious about that.”

“What, you can’t keep it in your pants for an hour?”

“Not when you’re sweating and panting in front of me, and reaching out to grab me. That’s reasonable!”

Finn snorted. "I think you just don't want me to get better than you." Poe pinned him to retaliate, careful of his chest. 

Finn remembered something. “You weren’t too hard on Jessika were you?” It was at her suggestion that they’d ended up sparring in the first place.

The pilot shrugged. “Well, she ended up making me hit you, so I had her do five laps around the entire hangar and runway with a full pack. I snapped a tracker on her leg and told her I’d be checking it in a few hours.” He rolled off of Finn to lay next to him again.

Finn hissed through his teeth. That had to be at least a three mile circumference. “Fifteen miles? With a tracker that you put on prisoners? That’s harsh.”

The pilot shrugged again. “Maybe, but endurance is kinda her strong suit. I had to make it hurt. I’ll go easy on her tomorrow, have her do paperwork, probably. Plus she started that run with a huge grin on her face, even underneath that giant pack she was carrying. You won her 400 credits from laying me flat that first round.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. His mind boggled at that kind of money. “What’s she gonna do with it?”

“She said she wants you two to take your leaves together so she can take you out to a nice dinner.”

Finn laughed. That sounded fun.

Poe grinned at him and continued, “that also means Snap is out at least 200, so watch out for him trying to get you to bet on anything. He’ll be looking to make up his losses.” He scratched at Finn’s thick hair.

“You’ve got some crew on your hands, squadron leader.” Finn mused.

“Yeah, the little rascals.”

“I like them a lot.” He’d gone on a few more adventures with Jessika, done some training and mapping with Snap. They were a steady presence that grounded him and tied him to life on the base.

Poe smiled down at him. “Yeah? Me too. And you know they’re obsessed with you. They keep asking me when I’m gonna let them hang out with you again instead of hogging you all the time.” He looked at Finn. “You don’t have to spend every night with me if you don’t want.”

Finn  pressed his mouth against Poe’s shoulder. “Right now I do.”

The pilot smiled. “Me too.” He sighed. “It won’t be so bad when the New Republic finally haul ass out of here, I’ll actually be able to talk to you during the day.” The pilot rubbed his eyes. “They are such a pain in the ass, I swear to god. Today was the last straw.”

Finn suddenly saw a red beam of light flashing on the wall behind Poe. He turned around. The intercom in his room was lit up. He disentangled from Poe’s arms and walked up to it. He pressed the button to speak. “This is Finn.”

“Finn, I’m glad I caught you.” It was General Organa’s voice. Poe sat up, concerned.

The general heaved a sigh. “The New Republic found out about you, I’m afraid, and they want to ask you questions. You’ll be addressing them in 8-B. I’d like to talk to you before that, so meet me in 4-B. Quickly. There isn’t much time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:) If I burn, you all burn with me!! *throws gasoline at all of you and myself* *lights match*
> 
> In other news, I have midterms coming up and school in general is picking up quite a bit so my updates are probably going to be about a week or more apart now, unfortunately. I like to publish them so they end at a natural part of the story and not in the middle of something important so you guys get a good reading experience.  
> This fic just keeps getting longer, I swear I thought I was gonna be done with it completely in two weeks when I started it, but NOPE. I love it but it’s quite the task to wrangle the story and these characters in a way that satisfies me, keep the writing quality high and all that. Hope you stick with me, you’re the best readers a moonkid could ask for <3 Let me know how I did with this one. More scenes like this will be coming in the future even with a sort-of plot getting introduced now ;) ;)
> 
> Also: the bits about Finn’s memory isn’t too confusing is it? If it is let me know what’s confusing and/or where else I can kind of weave in that aspect of the story, especially the early chapters. I edited them a little bit already, but the memory thing going to be important in the rest of the story, so I would like it to be pretty clear what’s going on with his head, that he’s forgetting his time in the First Order.  
> Also: added new songs to playlist!! Ch:12 Don'tcha-The Internet; Ch13: Otis-Kanye West and JayZ;  
> Ch14-Open up-Gallant  
> Kthnxbye!


	15. Chapter 15

Finn stood at attention in the middle of the room, arms at his sides, his eyes laser-focused on one brick on the wall in front of him. He stood in front of a crescent-shaped table that seated the highest-ranking New Republic dignitaries that had arrived at the Resistance Base. There were only fifteen of them in all, but Finn felt their gazes cutting into him more than the much larger crowd that had watched him spar.

The New Republic general spoke first.

“At ease, Finn.” He was smiling a little.

Finn was glad of Jessika’s lesson in drill procedure from so many weeks ago. _You can look at them in the eye and move everything but your right foot._ He opted to put his hands behind his back and spread his feet out to shoulder width. He still chose to look ahead.

His heart was pounding and his ears were ringing like there was an alarm going off in the room.  He did his best to take deep, even breaths without alerting them all to his anxious state. His skin felt hyper sensitive, tingling the way it did when he was dangerously close to dissociating. The pain on his chest from his earlier spar didn’t help.

He needed to ground himself with his senses. Dr. Niva had taught him that as a coping mechanism, to keep his mind from detaching from stressful situations. _Name something you can feel, see, touch, hear, smell_ , Finn thought to himself.

He felt the hem of his shirt behind his back, running the stitching between his thumb and forefinger. He took a deep breath and smelled the sterile scent of the cleaning solution they used throughout the base. He could definitely see the dignitaries; the long row of blue and gold sashes creeped even into his peripherals. He heard a few of them drumming their fingers on the table.

 _Stay here,_ he thought to himself. _You can do this._

 

General Organa sat in the room with them. She had refused to let them interrogate him without her presence. She’d told him as much during their meeting in 4-B beforehand. He’d entered the room and found her sitting there, looking pensive.

“It seems the New Republic general was impressed with your bout with our lieutenant and asked about you around the base,” she’d said, seeming to sigh out the entire sentence. “The commanding officers and recruits he talked to all stayed pretty tight-lipped, but he got suspicious when nobody seemed to know your last name.”

She smiled regretfully at him. “I know your memories of the First Order have been fading, but I don’t know that the New Republic will believe that. They’ll suspect that you’re just withholding information purposely. They want to protect their assets here, and they’ll see you as a liability and a danger, especially with your inability to remember the details about your time with the First Order.

“They may accuse you of being a spy, a traitor, a sleeper agent. They’ll bait you into speaking out of turn. They’ll look for any excuse to diminish the work that you’ve done here. Don’t let them. Stand up for yourself. And, Finn, this is important. _Don’t_ tell them about Rey and Luke.” She’d heaved a sigh and put a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s all the advice I can offer you, I’m afraid. I’m not sure what they want with you exactly, but know that you are part of the Resistance and there is nothing they could do to make us desert you.”

 

 

“So you’re a deserter.” The New Republic general addressed him again. Finn waited a beat, then decided to look the dignitaries in the eyes as they spoke to him.

“I deserted the First Order, yes.”

“How long ago was that?”

“About six months.”

“And how long have you been with the Resistance?” Another dignitary, a Zeltron with bright red skin addressed him.

“About six months.”

Finn heard them murmuring to each other.

“So you joined the Resistance as soon as you left?” The Zeltron dignitary kept her voice even, but Finn could hear the suspicion shrouding it.

“I did. After taking part in the Battle of Starkiller Base, I thought this would be a good place to put myself to use.”

  
The New Republic general looked over at Leia. “What procedures did you put him through before allowing him to join, General Organa?” His disapproval was stark and condescending.

“The procedure he went through was taking a lightsaber to his back for the Resistance.” Her words bit drily at him.

 “You fought Kylo Ren?”  A Falleen dignitary asked. He looked impressed.

“I did.”

The room tittered.

The general leaned back in his chair, regarding Finn carefully. Finn returned his gaze. The general quirked his head and frowned. “And you lived?”

Finn couldn’t believe it. Was that suspicion he was hearing again? He fought to keep his voice composed and kept his eyes locked onto the Republic general as he answered him.

“When I fought Kylo Ren, Starkiller was already being torn apart from the hit to the thermal oscillators. I was rescued by Chewbaccca and Han Solo.” Leaving Rey out of his interrogation was getting increasingly more difficult. Finn scrambled in his mind to come up with details for questions he anticipated, then decided to go a different route. “We flew out in the Falcon. I was knocked out by the wound to my back. I woke up in the medbay here. I don’t know what happened between those moments.”  
The Republic general smirked. “Ah, yes, Chewbacca and Han. Those two are infamous for being able to get out of the most dire situations. I suppose that’s a valuable skill for them, what with all the smuggling and thieving they do.”

“Careful, General.” Leia hadn’t raised her voice, but a threat hung heavily from it.

The Republic general laughed nervously. “All in good fun, General Organa.” He was still smirking, but he wouldn’t meet Leia’s eyes, choosing to stare down Finn instead. He sat up straight again, to his full height. “So, Finn, I take it that you have no qualms about shooting at your previous compatriots?”

“I do not. Not only did I fight Kylo Ren, I also had information that led to the destruction of Starkiller base.”

“And what information was that?”

“The way its superweapon charged, that it used the power of whatever stars it could reach. That the base’s weakness was its thermal oscillator, and where it was located. I was also able to get Starkiller’s shields down with the help of General Solo.” Finn used Han’s old title to goad the Republic General, to see if he would insult General Organa a second time. He didn’t.

“And what other information have you offered since then?”

“The floorplans of a few of the bases as I remembered them, the parts accessible to me at my rank as a Stormtrooper.”

“What were the names of these bases and how many were there?” The general wasn’t slowing.

Finn faltered. He’d been through four of them, including Starkiller, but he couldn’t remember the names of the other three now. He had only told General Organa and a few intelligence personnel. He tried to reach into his mind for the original memories of being in the other First Order bases, throwing his new memories around like scattered paper to find what he needed. Finally, a wisp of it came to him, of marching through a long hall as a Stormtrooper. He remembered looking down at the communicator on his Trooper uniform and-

Finn inhaled sharply as he felt a shock move from his skull down to the back of his neck, tensing all the muscles there. He composed himself quickly.

 “It’s in the Resistance logs, sir.” Finn tried to keep his voice from shaking.  
“I’m asking _you_.”

General Organa cut in. “That is highly classified, General.”

“And all of us in this room are at least clearance level twelve, so if you don’t mind, Finn.” He sighed out the entire sentence.

Finn’s jaw tensed. He’d have to tell the truth now. “I can’t remember. Most of my memories of the First Order have been fading quickly ever since I arrived here.” He took a breath as the room came alive with the sound of murmuring, of the sound of chairs squeaking as the dignitaries leaned in to whisper to each other. He spoke louder. “I was subjected to frequent brain reconditioning. They did things to Stromtroopers that made it hard to remember certain things, and made other memories decay at a certain rate.”

The Republic General leaned back in his chair, smirking as if he’d won some kind of victory.

“You’ve forgotten ‘certain things’?” It was the Falleen dignitary again. “That’s certainly…convenient.”

Even knowing that Finn had taken a wound from Kylo Ren hadn’t convinced them of his loyalty to the Resistance. Finn had raged at his own mind about its inability to offer more information, knowing that anything could be used to help them, to help Rey, to help Poe. He felt rage rising in him now, heating him like a fever.

He let some of his anger edge into his voice.  “No, it’s not convenient. I want to give information. I would give the Resistance anything they would ask of me.”

 “And how is it that you don’t remember? What did they do to your minds?” Finn turned his head to see a human dignitary seated on the furthest chair on the table. The man had been silent the entire meeting and had only watched Finn carefully while taking notes on a datapad. He had dark, straight hair, combed neatly away from a clean-shaven jawline, but his face seemed almost masked by the neutral expression he wore. He was handsome, but his gaze deeply unsettled Finn. Finn decided to tell him everything in one go, if only to avoid having to answer any more questions from such an unreadable man. Looking him in the eyes made Finn more nervous than speaking to the Republic General had.

“I don’t remember how they did it, but Stormtroopers of my rank were subjected to reconditioning and remediations every four to six months. Our memories in between remediations would start to get hazy after a while, and some details would fade, unless it was details we needed to for our next assignment.” Finn clenched his jaw when he realized he’d said _us_ and _we_.

The dignitary wrote some things down on a datapad while he spoke, then nodded slowly at him as if he were considering something.

“So how did you remember the layout of Starkiller Base for the battle?” It was the Republic General again. He looked amused now, as if he were playing a game.

“I worked in sanitation during my time on Starkiller. They never bothered reconditioning sanitation workers and I was one for a year. They didn’t start with me until after I had been bumped up in rank enough to start training to patrol on planets. I guess they didn’t think to clear out the entire year that I’d been there.”

The dignitary at the end of the table was taking more notes on him. He looked up when he finished. “Were you ever involved in any skirmishes as a Stormtrooper?” he asked.

Finn blinked at the word skirmish. If the dignitary had asked how many _battles_ he’d been in, he could say none.  Battles were large in scale and only for Troopers who’d reached a certain rank. Skirmishes, on the other hand, could be any small conflicts where he’d fought on the side of the First Order. That memory was stuck to Finn like tar.

“Only one,” he answered.  
“And you’re sure.” The man’s voice had neither the condescension of the Republic General nor the sympathy of General Organa’s.

Finn nodded. “I’m sure.”

“How many did you kill?”

 “None.” Finn heard the room tittering again. He raised his voice. “They had us pointing our blasters at civilians and I couldn’t pull the trigger. That’s when I knew I had to escape.”

The dignitary nodded and seemed to take him at his word even as his peers rubbed their foreheads and muttered to each other in hushed suspicion. He straightened a little and clasped his hands at the table as he continued to address Finn.

“There is a way around your memory lapses, Finn.” Everyone in the room turned to look at him. He wasn’t fazed. He kept speaking in his uniform tone. “I’ve developed a kind of memory recall therapy, meant to be used for soldiers who’d been kept as prisoners of war. Sometimes the trauma of that keeps them from being able to recall their time on enemy bases.” His eyes drifted away for a second, before locking onto Finn’s again. “Your circumstance is a little different; you’ve had prolonged reconditioning inflicted to your brain over the span of years, I’m assuming, but I believe we could work together and figure out how to apply my methods to your situation. You may be able to get memories back that could give the Resistance an edge over the First Order. Would you be interested at all?”

“Dr. Varr,” General Organa interrupted Finn’s thoughts to address the man speaking to him. “I know you’re an expert in your field, but we do have a psychiatrist here who is familiar with Finn’s situation, and I believe she should be consulted about this before any decisions are made.”

Dr. Varr nodded agreeably to General Organa. “Yes, I met her. Dr. Niva. She’s quite skilled at her work.”

Finn could feel the tension growing in the room. The dignitaries had looked for every opportunity to accuse him of being a spy, just as General Organa had predicted.

Finn knew he was part of the Resistance now; he felt it in his blood, in his bones. He wanted to make the decision himself, prove to them that he was loyal to their cause.

“I’ll do it. I’ll work with you to get my memories of the First Order back.” Finn looked from Dr. Varr to General Organa, nodding to both of them.

Dr. Varr raised his eyebrows. “It would be quite the task, Finn. There are a lot of risks involved.”

Finn straightened his shoulders. He felt strong, capable. _Anything the Resistance would have of me._

“I want to do this,” he repeated. “For the Resistance.”

 

 

*********************************

 

 “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Poe was hesitating at his door.  “I can skip the last dinner with the New Republic. I’m not even in uniform right now.”

Finn shook his head. He’d told Poe about the interrogation he’d been through and about his new therapy regiment coming up and now all he wanted to do was lay in bed with the pilot and forget about all of it, at least for a little while. Finn couldn’t though. He had his own meeting to attend soon, with Dr. Niva.

Finn kissed Poe’s forehead and smoothed his hair back. “I’ll see you after dinner.” He smiled at the pilot. “I’ll be alright.”

 

 

Dr. Niva wouldn’t have anything to do with his memory recall therapy, and scoffed at it being called “therapy” in the first place.

“I should have expected this from the great _Solin Varr_ ,” she said, shaking her head. “No, Finn, I refuse to help mine information from your brain as if it were some errant computer. I’ll be your therapist even as you go through Dr. Varr’s memory recall methods, but I’ll take no part in it.”

Finn was surprised at her tone. She usually had such a calm demeanor during therapy. Then again, this wasn’t a therapy session. They weren’t even sitting in their usual room in the psych ward, but in a small meeting room far from the medical wing. General Organa had joined them for a while, but had left to attend the last dinner with the New Republic. It was just him and Dr. Niva now.

She spoke again, with some hesitation in her voice. “Finn, I wanted to wait to tell you this because I think it’s important to introduce ideas to the mind only when it’s ready. But now that you’re taking this on with Dr. Varr, I feel like I need to tell you now.” She sighed as if she regretted having to do it. “I don’t believe that the pain you feel when you try to recall any details of the First Order is from the First Order linking pain with your memory recall.”

“What do you mean? I’m sure torture must have been part of the process.” Finn trusted his psychiatrist. She was a valuable resource to him, a well that he drew from often, but he was confused by what she was telling him now.

She took a deep breath. “I know, Finn. And I wouldn’t put it past them. But I didn’t see any evidence of physical torture in the brain scans.” She put a hand out to clasp one of his on the table. She didn’t usually touch him during therapy sessions, either, even when he’d cried a little. He held it tightly, nervously, as she continued, “As your doctor who you’ve worked with now for months, it’s my professional opinion that the pain you feel is psychosomatic. Are you familiar with that term?”

Finn shook his head.

“It means that the pain comes from your own mind. I’ve told you many times now that building an identity for yourself is tough, arduous work for the brain. That hard work it’s doing is part of the reason why you dissociate, and why you experience anxiety attacks sometimes. You said that remediation didn’t remove all your memories, right? Some of them are still there, but hazy?”

Finn nodded.

“And you’d never experienced that kind of pain when trying to recall even your hazier memories? Not until you’d arrived here.”

Finn nodded again.

“That pain you feel when you try to remember details from the First Order may come from your mind’s inability to link your past life with your life now. It may be temporary, a way for your mind to block those memories out until you reach a stable enough point to incorporate your past with your present. Or it could be permanent. Trauma has a way of piecing the brain apart like that.”

Finn had thought he’d been piecing his brain together quite well the past few months. He felt stable already. His understanding of himself began to crumble away, bit by bit. He inhaled deeply and tried to keep the tears from welling up in his eyes.

“So the pain I feel,” he breathed shakily, “is from…” he didn’t want to say it.  
Dr. Niva looked like she might cry, too, but her profession demanded distance from her patient’s problems, and she was practiced in it. “From you not wanting to remember. Some part of your mind doesn’t want to remember anything about your life as a Stormtrooper and it’s using pain to keep you from whatever memories you’ve managed to hold on to.”

“It’s all just me then,” Finn was whispering now. “My fault.”

She squeezed his hand. “It isn’t your fault. The mind can be a fickle and complicated thing, Finn. That is true. It is also true that your mind is functioning wonderfully for the life you have now. You’ve made _great strides_ in the past few months. There’s still a lot of work that needs to be done, but you’ve only improved yourself since you joined the Resistance and since you started therapy with me.”

Finn smiled. Her words made him feel a little less like a complete failure.

Dr. Niva’s eyes creased with worry. “Even the strongest minds can be fragile, Finn, and I would urge caution about undertaking this task with Dr. Varr.”

Finn took a deep breath. “This is a lot of info at once, doc.” He laughed nervously and she quirked a sad smile.

“You don’t have to do it. You know that, right?”

He knew it. He didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t have to stay here on the base, he didn’t have to keep fighting the First Order, he didn’t have to do any of it. Finn had known that before when he’d tried to run away with Rey and he knew it now. He shook his head. “I have to. I want to do all I can to protect Rey and Poe. And the entire Resistance. I can’t say no.”

She nodded as if she expected him to say that. Finn squeezed her hand one more time then got up to leave.  
“Finn,” she called out to him before he stepped out. She needed to tell him one more detail, something so important that she made him shut the door again before she continued. “Dr. Varr will tell you that your psychosomatic pain is just in your head, that it isn’t real. He’s built his research on that idea and it’s how he’s been able to take memories from tortured prisoners of war. While it’s true to a certain extent, I want you to know, Finn, that if you feel pain, then it is _real_ , and it can damage your well-being. Don’t let him tell you it’s not real when you’re hurting.”

 

 

***********************************************

 

Finn walked out of the meeting room feeling torn. The meeting with Dr. Niva had shaken him a little. Knowing that the pain he’d been feeling while trying to recall memories was all from his own mind had chipped away at his self-worth. _He_ was the one keeping himself from remembering important information, from protecting his friends. _Selfish,_ he chided his brain.  _Failure_ , it echoed back.

He’d offered himself up to Dr. Varr with so much confidence, but now, as he walked alone with the full reality of his mental shortcomings, he felt doubt beginning to press at him. He was sure about his decision, right?

_The mind can be a fragile thing, Finn._

 He gripped his hands into fists as he walked back to his room, feeling the soreness from his earlier fight creeping into his knuckles. Remembering the way he’d fought during the spar made him feel solid, unbreakable. The recruits watching them had been so proud of Poe, but they’d been proud of him, too. He felt it strengthening his resolve. He could handle pain, psychosomatic or otherwise.

Finn touched the middle of his chest and winced. The painkillers were wearing off rapidly, so he headed to the medbay to get more.

He walked into his room and found the handheld commlink that General Organa had given him so many weeks ago. He needed to talk to Rey. He checked the time. She should have just finished up from her morning training. He sat on his bed as he waited for her to answer. He brightened into a smile as soon as she appeared on the screen, waving at him.

Half of her face was covered by a large object she was holding up, a grotesque, green and yellow striped thing, lumpy like plastic that had been melted by a blowtorch. Finn realized she was eating it. He started laughing, he couldn’t help himself.

“Rey! What are you eating? Is that even edible?”

“Huh?”She turned it over in her hands. “Yeah, it’s edible! It’s a torpu melon. Han picked up a crate of it from his last smuggling job for me. Not as good as the mentha melon he got from the Kiros but definitely better than the pitchfruit from Gorse.”

Finn shook his head at her. “You and your crazy fruits, girl. Are you still trying to find out what that one you ate at Maz’s place was?”

 “Yes! She still won’t tell me, says she has a secret foraging ground on some jungle planet. I’ll just have to make due with what Han and Chewy dig up in their smuggling operations.” She bit down and winced. “Ugh, I guess this one has a lot of seeds.”

“ _Their_ smuggling operations? You mean all three of your smuggling operations. I know what you get up to, even if Master Skywalker doesn't. Have you gone on any with them recently?”

Rey looked conspiratorial for a moment. “Yeah, I rode with them to drop off a huge shipment of carbonite yesterday while Master Skywalker took R2D2 out to get some parts. Came back in time to do my training before they got back.” She grinned wickedly.

 

Hearing about her little adventure eased Finn’s mind about how hard she was training. He was pretty sure she trained even harder than he did. He could tell she had been doing something physically taxing even though it was barely dawn where she was; sweat matted her hair to her forehead, she had dark crescents under her eyes, and she was eating voraciously. It was how she looked almost every time they commed each other and he worried about her incessantly. She always just waved him off. Her dedication to her Jedi training always spurred him in his own training, and it strengthened his resolve about his decision to work with Dr. Varr now.

 “Master Skywalker can’t just read your mind and realize you’d left?” he asked.

Rey shook her head. “That’s not really how the Force works, Finn. He couldn’t just read my mind passively, he’d have to really reach in there and root around. He doesn’t do that. That’s dark side stuff, using the force to reach inside other people when they don’t invite you in.”

Finn thought about Dr. Varr reaching into his mind to take out memories that part of him apparently didn’t want brought out. _No, it’s not the same_ , Finn thought. He had offered himself willingly, his conscious mind at least.

“So what’s the Jedi mind control thing then?”

“It’s not mind control, really, it’s a mind trick. It’s just influencing someone’s mind with a suggestion, offering their brain a choice. You’re still using the force on the outside of their brain, you’re not reaching in there to rearrange anything or take anything.”

Finn remembered Dr. Varr again and told Rey about his interrogation.

“Finn,” Rey breathed. “That sounds _frightening_.”

“I have to do it, Rey.”

“I know you feel that way, but part of you doesn’t even want to bring those memories back. You don’t have to do this, Finn.”

Finn wondered why everyone kept saying that to him, why everyone seemed so frightened of him breaking.

Rey continued, “you’ve already done _so_ much for the Resistance and for me. They’re not making you, are they?”

Finn shook his head. “Of course not. But I can’t say no. Look at you, Rey. I can tell you’re exhausted. Have you even been sleeping? You don’t need to train as hard as you do but you do it anyway. How can I not do this, when I know you have to do so much for all of us?” They both knew she would have to face Kylo Ren again someday. She could very well be the last Jedi, besides Master Luke. Finn wanted to relieve her of that burden as much as he possibly could.

Rey sighed, knowing he was right. “Keep me up to date, alright? On everything, every session you do with this Solin Varr. I don’t trust him.”

Finn heard a knock on his door. “Come in!” he glanced down at Rey. “Poe’s here.” He chuckled when she made a face. “Someday you’re gonna be like this with somebody and I’m gonna make faces at you.”

She shook her head and wiped the melon pith from her mouth. “Just because I don’t have whatever that is between you two.” She gave a disgusted wave of her hand. “All I ever wanted was a family and I’ve got the best one over here, I lucked out with three dads! Did I tell you that Han and Chewy got Luke to come with us when we went to Coruscant? I’d never seen him so happy, I don’t know why he doesn’t come with us on trips more often.”

Poe walked into the room, with BB-8 in tow. “Is that my Rey of sunshine?” He winked at Finn.

Rey rolled her eyes. “So how are you, then?” she called out flatly. Finn snickered. He knew she loved Poe.

“I’m good, I’m good. You should ask Finn that though, I had to kick his ass today. Literally kicked his ass, I beat him up good!”

“You what?!”

Poe picked up the commlink and directed the camera to BB-8. “Show her, buddy!”

BB-8 rocked back and forth and projected a hologram. It was him and Poe, squaring off in three dimensions of blue light. Finn’s mouth fell open. “That’s amazing!”

BB-8 beeped in reply [F-I-N-N fights master better than----had to record---] Finn’s binary wasn’t perfect yet, but he understood enough. He grinned.

“I found BB-8 in one of the lounges, surrounded by half the recruits and some intelligence personell. They kept making it play the video over and over again. You’re gonna get a lot of new sparring partners, Finn.”

Finn shot out of bed suddenly, throwing his hands up in the air. “Rey did you see that? Did you _see_ that? Knocked him out flat!” The reel had just finished up the first round. Poe was on his back and Finn was walking towards him to put his hand out.

Rey laughed. “I saw it! Poe, I thought you said you kicked his ass!”

Poe propped the commscreen on the bed and got up to point at the hologram. “That was just a warm-up, Rey! Watch the next round.”

“Ohh!” Rey whooped as she watched Finn get flipped, his limbs sprawling against the mat. “Finn, that was _bad_.” Finn was laughing uncontrollably now as he watched Rey’s facial expressions and Poe demonstrating his moves in real time next to the hologram.

“Did you see _that_? It was a block, pivot, grapple, and boom!” He jabbed at the air in triumph. Rey was clapping and laughing.

 Poe and Rey insisted on watching the fight three times before they let Finn shut it off. They kept the weight of his failures at bay that night. He slept better than he had in a while, with Poe’s arms around him, and the knowledge of the task that he’d agreed to do tucked somewhere in his mind for tomorrow to dig up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gahhh new character! Solin is going to add a bit of heaviness to the story, so buckle up, everyone.
> 
> I wrote the New Republic General out as having a thing for General Organa and forever slightly bitter that she is completely uninterested in him and would rather keep her ties with an uncouth, thieving smuggler. It just adds that extra zing to their interaction here.  
> The song for this chapter is Disparate Youth by Santigold.
> 
> After a lifetime of eating freeze-dried portions, Rey is now obsessed with food, especially fruit. Han always tries to bring her back a crate of the best stuff from whatever star system he's in :P
> 
> Comments are so appreciated! The next update may take another week. Thanks for sticking with me <3
> 
> In other news, I got an 89 on my chem midterm! And the mean was 50!!! So it's getting hella curved and I'm getting an A.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Solin, some smut, and a party

The Resistance could finally breathe again.

 The easy rhythm of base life was back, with recruits training side by side with commanding officers, the rigid formalities between them no longer needed. The New Republic dignitaries had been gone for a good week.

 _Well, except for one,_ Finn thought. He brought his knee up and snapped it out at the strike shield in Poe’s hand. It hit with a satisfying _thunk_.

The pilot shook his head. “Nope! That would’ve glanced off of if your opponent pivoted.” He held the shield up again. “Either hit faster so they don’t see it coming or hit it perfect.  Again, concentrate!”

Finn understood now why Poe hadn’t wanted to train him. The man was ten drill sergeants rolled into one when it came to sparring. He even had BB-8 recording parts of it, for Finn to look over later. It’s not that Finn didn’t appreciate it, but whatever happened to _don’t work too hard, Finn, remember what the doc said_. He asked the pilot out loud.

Poe shrugged. “You wanted me to train you, so I’ll train you, an hour every other day. I didn’t say you had to work this hard before or after.” He held the strike shields up ridiculously high. “But I have you for the hour, you’re gonna work for an hour.”

Finn sighed internally and concentrated, visualizing the arc his leg was going to make. He whipped his shin into a high kick, then groaned, knowing it hadn’t hit well.

“Isn’t that too high?” he protested.

“No.” Poe waved the strike shield, “this is how far your kick should go if your form is perfect.” He looked down at his droid. "BB-8, record this next one." The droid beeped obediently.

Finn felt his muscles tense into his stance, and then kicked again. That was better, right?

BB-8 whirred encouragingly. [So close F-I-N-N]. Finn sighed.

Poe shook his head. “That was close, but you need to get it right or your reach is always going to be stunted. Practice doesn’t make perfect, Finn. Practice makes permanent, so get it exactly right.” BB-8 chirped in agreement. 

Finn had his back to him so he rolled his eyes. Where was Poe getting all these terrible sayings? They were completely ridiculous. He turned back around and shuffled on his feet to loosen his muscles up.

“Do it again, Finn, let’s go!”

This was going to be a long hour.

*******************************************

Finn changed out of his sparring clothes in the locker room and watched Poe pull a shirt over his head. He caught the pilot’s eye and grinned at him. The pilot laughed, shaking his head.

“You are quite the ass-kicker, Lieutenant,” Finn said playfully. It was probably the hardest he’d worked in a single hour since coming to the Resistance, but Poe knew what he was doing in the sparring ring. He’d already pinpointed several ways Finn could improve his fight, a few small muscles to work that could up his speed, some ways of visualizing hits to allow for a proper follow-through. Finn had felt himself unable to improve for a while, since the sergeants who led sparring were usually focusing on improving the weakest recruits and didn’t have too much time to train him personally. Poe was giving him a lot to work on.

“I have you for the hour, you’re gonna work for the hour,” Poe repeated, grinning at Finn. “You thought I was gonna go easy on you just because you’re cute?”

Finn shrugged. “I hoped.” He packed up his duffle.

Poe watched him, serious all of a sudden. “You headed to Varr’s now?”

 “Yeah,” Finn nodded. He took a deep breath. He’d wanted to train with Poe right before so he could shake his nerves loose, relax a little bit. He had no idea what to expect.

Poe put his hand on his shoulder and drew him into a tight hug. He held him a while. A recruit walked in and whooped at the sight of them embracing. Finn and Poe both chuckled. Poe turned his head to see another recruit walk in and whistle at them.

“Alright, alright, relax, it’s just a hug,” he quirked, waving them away. He turned back to put his forehead to Finn’s. “Good luck, Finn. I’ll be doing air drills today, but if you need me, I’ll be back on the ground at 17:00.”  

Finn nodded. It seemed like Poe had been the only one who didn’t give him the “you don’t have to do it” speech, and Finn was grateful.

 

He walked to Dr. Varr’s alone. He tensed his fists as he strode down the hall and ran through the training he’d just done with Poe to try to keep nervous thoughts from creeping into his mind. It didn’t work.

Finn was walking towards a room where he knew he would be met with physical pain, and from his own mind, no less. And he couldn’t rely on any kind of training to fight his way out. _For Rey and Poe,_ he thought to himself.

Varr had set up a permanent space for their sessions in the hall with the meeting rooms. Finn walked up to 4D and typed in his code.

Dr. Varr had his back to the entrance, his shoulders hunched in his crisp gray jacket as he typed something into the datapad of a large white machine. It looked a little like the brain scanner Dr. Niva had put him through, except at a 45 degree angle. Finn’s jaw tensed when he saw the arm and ankle straps on it.

Dr. Varr turned. “Finn!” he said enthusiastically.

Finn strode up and offered his hand. “Dr. Varr.”

The man shook it with a sheepish look on his face. “Actually, you can call me Solin. Your base’s Dr. Niva pointed out that this is…an interesting arrangement between us, and she’s right that you shouldn’t be referring to me as your doctor.”

“Alright. Solin.” Finn nodded.

“Oh! Would you like some tea?” Solin gestured to a table with a tray that had a pitcher of tea and different snacks on it that Finn knew he hadn’t gotten from the base.

“Ah, sure.” He sat down as the doctor poured him some in a mug.

“For this first session, I thought we should talk, mostly.” Solin pushed the mug to him. “We’ll be collaborating on this endeavor together, after all. My expertise is on trauma-induced amnesia, not prolonged memory wiping.” The doctor took a biscuit and chewed it thoughtfully.

Finn nodded as he sipped the warm drink. He took a biscuit. He almost felt like he should relax. The large machine in the room crept into his peripherals and his grip around the mug tightened.

Solin picked up a folder and shuffled through the papers. “I got a copy of your file from Dr. Niva. Dissociation, anxiety, you seem to have made quite a bit of progress on those.”

“I have a great doctor.”

Solin nodded. “You’ve also progressed because you’ve done the work, Finn. According to your file, you’ve been a great patient.” He looked up from the papers, his sharp blue eyes meeting Finn’s deep brown ones. He smiled flatly before looking back down at the file.

Finn blinked. Solin’s gaze had felt like a knife. His words had been kind, though.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

Solin nodded and continued. “I told you that this procedure comes with risks. One of those risks is setting off the disorders that you already have. Another is the psychosomatic pain you’ve been experiencing. You’ll probably feel it magnified quite a bit when you’re in there,” he nodded at his machine.

“I’ve dealt with pain. I can handle it.”

Solin looked at him carefully. “You agreed to the procedure so quickly during your interrogation, but there’s no line of dignitaries to impress your Resistance loyalty on now. I’m not here as part of the New Republic, I’m not their spy. I’m just here because there is a need for my expertise. So, now that it’s just us, I want to know that you’re sure you want to do this.”

This conversation again. Finn nodded. “I want to do this.”

“Alright. I’d like to know why.”

Finn thought it was obvious. “To help the Resistance. To help my friends.”

Solin nodded. “Those are good reasons. Anything else?”

Finn thought about it. _The reason you feel pain is because your own mind is keeping you from those memories._ “My own brain won’t give me information when I want it. And that’s frustrating. I want to be in charge of my own mind. ” Finn had told Solin something personal like he was a psychiatrist, like he was Dr. Niva. _He’s not your therapist,_ Finn chided himself.

Solin nodded again. “Good.  I want you to remember those reasons, repeat them to yourself over and over again. You’ll need them to remind yourself to keep going when you feel like the pain is unbearable. And if you can’t remind yourself I’ll do it for you. Thank you for sharing them with me.” He patted Finn’s hand absently and got up to work on the machine again.

Finn felt his nervousness growing with the repeated mention of pain, but he was brought back down by Solin touching his hand.

Even in the room with just the two of them, the man was difficult to read, and not what Finn had expected at all. He looked down at his tea. It tasted good, so he finished it as he watched the doctor fiddling with the machine, the mug a warming weight in his hands.

 Solin had a lot of similar habits that Dr. Niva had during their therapy sessions, similar facial expressions as they listened to him speak, the nodding while he did, and his earlier encouragements on Finn’s progress and his “thank you for sharing that with me” had been especially striking. But where Dr. Niva’s presence felt like a warm hearth, Solin’s was a laser, antiseptic and oddly rigid even with his attempts at welcoming Finn.

“Are you a psychiatrist?” Finn asked.

“Ah, I was one, at one point. Haven’t practiced in many years. I’m still a doctor, I’ve only learned more about my field since getting my medical degree, but I think I’ve done a bit too much work damaging brains to ever take care of them again.”

Finn felt his whole body tense.

Solin looked up and saw Finn’s furrowed brow, his gaze zeroed in on the equipment he’d have to be strapped into. “Oh, I didn’t mean this work.” He tapped the machine. “This isn’t exactly safe, but it’s not what I was talking about.”

Finn coughed nervously, wondering if that was supposed to make him feel better.

“What, ah, what was the work damaging brains, then?” Finn wondered if he even wanted to know the answer.

“I was a prisoner of war for two years. Had to be the enemy’s doctor to stay alive. Butcher, really. They had me do some unsavory things to their other prisoners.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Finn put his mug down.

Solin shrugged. “Me too. I think. Some days I don’t know.” He sighed out his last sentence.

Finn shifted in his seat. Solin’s reply was unnerving, not to mention vaguely treasonous. Finn wondered how he’d gotten so high up in rank with the New Republic.

The machine whirred to life and the doctor’s face perked. He looked at Finn with an almost charming smile. “Let’s get to work!”

 

The straps were thickly padded and oddly comfortable. “This looks like a brain scan machine,” Finn said nervously.

“Yes, I modified it from one.”

“You made it?”

“Mm-hmm, a few of them. Tried to make them as comfortable as possible. I was my very first test subject, and I didn’t much like the first one I made. I had sore wrists for a week.” He typed some things into the controls. “I think today we should try and reach for a memory that’s tied to pain. It will probably be easier to get that out of you than the ones that have been wiped by the Order.”

Finn nodded.

“Alright. We’re starting. Take a deep breath, Finn. Shut your eyes. Count backwards from ten. Listen to my voice.”

His head felt like it was getting compressed. Deep breath. More compression. Crackling, like small fractures were breaking across his skull. It felt like his skull was going to break.

“Remember why you’re doing this Finn. Dig deep.”

For Rey and Poe. Finn felt like he was falling now. And then-

 

_Row after row of Stormtroopers, marching. Left, right, left right. They were doing drills on a concrete platform, in perfect formation. There were so many of them, gripping blasters to their chests, safety on, fingers off the trigger. It was just practice. FN-2187 heaved a sigh into his helmet. He was bored. When would they get to the real stuff, the fighting?_

Finn jerked forward and hit the padded ring that surrounded his head. He was gasping for breath.

Solin was looking at the machine’s datapad. “That was good, Finn. You did quite well pushing through the pain. We have to talk about what you remember now.”

“There was nothing,” he panted. “Nothing to use.”

“There could be something there. This is procedure. You need to tell me all the details.”

Finn told the doctor everything but how he’d felt then. _Bored._ It wasn’t important.

“You don’t remember how you got to the concrete platform? There were no landmarks around? No clocks, no signs?”

Finn only remembered the banner and the concrete, hard against his feet.

“Don’t worry, there will be plenty more opportunities to get something more substantial. Today went well Finn. You did very well.” Solin gave him a smile, his light eyes scrunching as he unstrapped Finn from the machine.

“I usually leave the room afterwards and let the subject stay in the room as long as they need to before leaving. I come back in an hour.”

“That’s alright," Finn shook his head. "I can leave right now.”

“Well, just know that’s procedure if you ever did need to compose yourself in here.” Solin shook his hand. “See you tomorrow, Finn,” he said brightly.

 

 

 _That wasn’t too bad,_ he thought to himself, but his legs were shaking a little underneath him. He was heading to his room, but he realized he didn’t really want to be alone in there. He looked at his watch. Poe was still doing drills with Snap and Jess.

Finn remembered that he hadn’t seen the evac kids in a few days and he wasn’t sure how much longer they’d be here, so he headed towards their block.

 

Vex and Perin were there, re-stocking food.

“Don’t we have attendant droids to do this now?” Finn called out. He already felt better with other people around.

“Oh, hey Finn!” Perin grinned at him. “They’re still getting re-programmed to do their old tasks. Three weeks waiting on the New Republic really did a number on ‘em.”

A few of the kids popped their heads out of their rooms and brightened when they saw him. Finn waved and smiled.

Hanging out with the evac kids was one of Finn’s favorite ways to spend his down time. The kids had taken to him like rings on a planet, milling around him to wait their turn for his affection when they knew he was around. He only came when he had at least an hour to spend with them. Any shorter than that and some of the kids didn’t get any attention and it made Finn feel bad.

He’d give them rides on his back, sometimes, one or two at a time. They were cautious about piling on him now. Sometimes Finn took them around the base, especially after he realized how much all the recruits liked seeing them. The recruits would have them try on various helmets and gear and lift them into the seats of whatever cruiser, speeder, or starship was sitting nearby, glad for the break in their day.

Sometimes they went outside, a little past the base, to run around in the grass and moss and trees and splash in puddles after their little region of D’Qar had a good rain.

After the session with Solin, he didn’t feel steady enough to take them on any trips, so they just sat at a table drawing pictures together. Poe periodically gathered up bags of drafting pencils and markers from around the base for them. The markers only came in four colors, brown, red, blue, and black, but the pictures they drew were as lively as if they’d had every color in the known universe. Brown was the most loved color, and the kids had run through ten of them already from drawing image after image of Finn to give to him.

Finn had a growing collection of those, most of them featuring him with various weapons.

“The kids think of you as their protector,” Dr. Navi had said when he told her about it.

 His heart dropped when he first realized why they knew how to draw so many different types of weapons, and in such detail. They’d seen them up close, repeatedly.

Vex walked over to the table Finn was sitting at with some of the older children and peered at his drawing. It was a sad attempt at a luggabeast, with Finn riding it. It was easily the worst one in progress at the table. Vex laughed. He patted Fin’s back.

“You know, they’re gonna remember all the time they spent with you for probably their entire lives. I bet at least half these kids are gonna try to join the Resistance in ten, fifteen years just because they remember you.”

Finn laughed. That wasn’t why he spent so much time with them, but thinking of them as little recruits for their cause made the pride well up in his chest.

He remembered the framed pictures that Poe had on his bed. Finn liked to look at it, smiling at the image of the pilot as a child grinning in his father’s arms. Finn thought every kid deserved to be that happy, so he tried to see to it with these ones.

And being around them made him feel bright and new, the way he’d felt when he and Rey had first flown out of Jakku together, a world of possibilities ahead of them. Today, the kids especially calmed him, their activity blanketing the noise in his mind about his earlier appointment with Solin.

A little girl tugged at his arm and handed him a picture. Another one for his wall. Finn grinned at her and looked at it. It was a picture of him, of course, large and heroic, one hand holding a blaster, the other holding hers.

She had drawn him shooting at something, angry red lines coming out of the blaster and going right into a Stormtrooper.

Finn felt a dull crackling in his skull as he stared at the image.

_Row after row of Stormtroopers, marching. The First Order banner, bright red. FN-2187 was holding a blaster, safety on, just practice. He was bored. When would they get to the real stuff, fighting the enemy?_

The drawing was shaking in his hands. He jerked his gaze away from it and saw the little girl smiling up at him, waiting for a hug. He gave her one, his arms shaking, and she skipped away.

Finn didn’t want her to see that he’d folded her drawing up small and stashed it in his pocket, unlike all the others that he’d kept wrinkle-free to tack on his wall.

 

 

Finn caught up with Poe at dinner, with BB-8 in tow. They were surrounded by other recruits and Poe seemed to understand that he should wait to ask about Finn’s session with Dr. Varr when they had more privacy. They walked back to Poe’s room together in comfortable silence, just glad for each other’s presence. BB-8 trailed them, whistling a tune in binary.

Once the door to his room was shut, the pilot asked Finn about his session. BB-8 also looked inquiringly up at him.                 

“It really wasn’t so bad,” Finn shrugged. “It only hurt a little, but once I got to the memory in my head, the pain faded.”

Poe nodded, looking worried still. BB-8 rolled up and bumped him gently on the shin. [Master Poe---worried--me too]. 

“I’m alright.” Finn gave them both a small smile. He wondered if he should tell Poe about what he had actually remembered. General Organa had told him that his memories were classified, but Poe was well above the clearance level for it. He started to get nervous. 

 _It wasn’t even that interesting,_ he thought. _Just marching._  Finn remembered the drawing, how it shook in his hands as he looked at it.

_Just nerves._

He had brought the drawing to his room as soon as he left the evac children. When he unfolded it to look at it again, he'd braced himself, but nothing happened. His hands didn't shake and he didn't feel any cracking in his skull.

Finn had still considered throwing it out. He couldn't, though, he had such few possessions, especially ones that had been given to him as gifts. Still, he didn't want to look at it, so instead of tacking it to his wall with the other drawings, he'd put it in his Resistance-issued trunk. He didn’t want anyone else to look at it, either, so he'd stashed the entire trunk under his bed.

Why had he done that? 

 _It’s nothing,_ he thought. _It was nothing._

The pilot didn’t ask. He kissed Finn’s forehead. “You never let me worry about you,” he murmured.

 “There’s not much to worry about,” he shrugged, cramming his thoughts to the back of his mind. “Not today at least.”

Poe nodded and got to work. BB-8 plunked some data drives onto his desk. Poe also had a datapad, a couple books on X-wing formations, and several large sheets of paper on his desk. 

“We’re working with Cobalt and Dagger Squadron on setting up air drills for combat support,” he said absently. Finn nodded. He’d brought his own datapad along to do some research of his own. There was always something that needed doing on the base. He sat on Poe’s bed, taking notes.

Poe unzipped his jumpsuit and tied it in a knot around his waist. He leaned into his knuckles over the desk, preferring to stand as he worked. He sketched out formations, ran through simulations on his datapad, and had BB-8 project them against the wall. He repeated the process, over and over. He seemed to wear the weight of his work on his shoulders; he kept shrugging them, rolling his arms back and stretching his neck from side to side.

Finn looked up when Poe rolled his arms back for the fourth time. He came up behind the pilot, put his arms around his waist, and kissed his shoulders. Poe smelled like starfighter fuel.

“Did you do your shoulder stretches before you got into your X-wing?” Finn murmured at him. BB-8 whirred a no. 

Poe shook his head, smiling ruefully. “Forgot. I was too excited to try out the drill we put together. Hopped right into the T-70 and I was up in the sky before I remembered.” 

Finn tsk’ed at him and brought his hands up to rub the muscles that were bothering the pilot. "You need to remind this one," he told BB-8. The droid agreed. [Sorry I forgot too. I was too excited too.]

"The both of you are hopeless," Finn murmured. 

Poe eased into his touch and sighed. He groaned when Finn’s thumb hit a knot in his muscle, and hissed as he rubbed it away. Finn finished up and kissed the back of his neck.

The pilot hummed and leaned back into him. “You take such good care of me, Finn,” he murmured. Finn held him close and kissed his neck a few times. “It’s ‘cos I like you,” he smiled.

Poe was giving him a look. His eyes flicked down to his droid, still dutifully running through simulations. "Um, BB-8? Sierra-Echo-Xray, buddy." 

BB-8 shut the simulation off abruptly and gave several flustered beeps as it made a beeline to the door, running into the desk and Finn's calf in its haste. 

Finn laughed. "What was that! Poor BB-8, what did you do?"

Poe was still giving him a look. A breathy, lip-biting, eyes hooded kind of look. Finn chuckled and kissed his shoulder. He kept Poe’s eye contact as his hands slid slowly up the pilot’s stomach under his shirt, then down again to the knot tied around his hips. "Oh, I see. You and your droid have a code for this?"

"I think of everything," Poe winked at him.

Finn untied the knot and pulled the jumpsuit down, then undid the top button on the pants he wore underneath. Poe did the rest, and stood with his back to Finn in just his boxers. Poe looked at him over his shoulder and licked his lips. He ground his ass into the front of Finn’s pants.

Finn bit his lip and looked down at the way Poe was rubbing against him. That plus the way the pilot was looking at him over his shoulder was getting Finn hard, fast. He had corralled the pilot against his desk, his arms on either side. He stepped back so Poe could get to the bed. The pilot stayed where he was. He shuffled his papers and books against the wall, and then put his hands on his desk and leaned over a little. Finn could tell he was touching himself.

Finn brought his hands back to Poe’s hips and slid his fingers forward, taking the pilot’s hand off his cock and resuming the activity himself.

Poe’s cock hung heavily against the fabric of his boxers. Finn rubbed his palm in slow strokes against it. He felt his own hardness straining against his pants. He unbuttoned them and slid them down just enough to free his own cock, then rubbed himself against the crease of Poe’s ass. They were getting a little rhythm going before the pilot let out a frustrated groan. He looked back at Finn, his eyes hazy, his lips parted. “Lube’s under the bed” he murmured.

 

Finn had only done it twice before, but he felt like he was getting the hang of it. He worked his slicked fingers into the pilot until he could take three of them. Poe was still leaning against his desk, on his forearms now. Finn's chest was pressed against his back, kissing down his spine as he moved his fingers in and out. 

“I’m so ready,” the pilot breathed. 

 

“Wait, ah, slower,” Poe huffed as Finn eased himself in. Finn stopped and looked up at him. Poe was on his forearms, his head hanging between his shoulders, panting in short breaths. He looked back at Finn, grinning. His eyes were shining and he pushed his hair back, but it started falling over his face again.

 _Cute,_ Finn thought. He smiled down at Poe and went back to the task at hand. He licked his lips as he concentrated. Slow, another inch, another.

“Damn, Finn, you are _thick_ ,” the pilot groaned

Finn grinned to himself as he pushed in to the hilt. He pulled out a little and pushed back in, and kept up the short strokes, watching Poe as his forearms skidded back and forth a little on the desk. The pilot put a hand out against the wall to brace himself and ground backwards to seat himself on Finn's cock. 

 

A few minutes in and Finn was leaning over, huffing soft breaths in Poe's ear as he worked a rhythm against the pilot's tight entrance. The angle of his cock was hitting just right, but Poe really had to work to brace himself against their rhythm, keep the edge of the desk from biting into his thighs, even with Finn's hands planted firmly at his hips. He looked over his shoulder at Finn. The man looked incredible, the muscles of his arms flexing as he held Poe in place, keep that tight hole where he needed it.

Poe bit his lip. “Mmf, that’s _so_ good,” he murmured. 

Finn put his lips on whatever parts of the pilot he could reach, not slowing his rhythm even while he kissed a line up the pilot’s back. Poe shivered under his lips. He craned his head to kiss Finn, moaning as he felt the tongue against his, felt fingers running through his hair. His breath hitched a little when he felt a slight tug at his scalp from Finn pulling his hand away. Poe was about to ask about some intentional hair pulling when he felt a hand go around his cock.

 “Unnghh,” Poe groaned as Finn coordinated the rhythm of his hand with his thrusts. “Damn, Finn, you _really_ take good care of me,” he panted. Finn chuckled.

Neither of them could remember what they’d been doing earlier that day, what time it was, or if they had any other responsibilities that needed tending before the day was done. All they could do was feel their points of contact, the heat in their bodies, and the pressure building between them, like a wave rising over a sea, waiting to crest at its peak.

Poe dropped down on the desk further, one arm outstretched in front of him to brace against the wall, the other arm cradling his face to keep it from skidding across the desk. He was getting completely undone by the matching rhythms of Finn's cock fucking him and Finn's hand jerking him off. He brought his knee up and laid his thigh on the desk so Finn could hit deeper inside him. He moaned in time to the dull smacking of his ass against Finn’s thighs. Gods, he was so close.

Finn had kept his eyes shut during most of it, not wanting to finish before Poe did.  He felt the pilot move his leg and he had to open his eyes to watch. His bit his lip, trapping the groan that rasped from his throat,  as he took in the sight. Poe’s face was slack and pressed into his own arm, his gaze locked on Finn out of the corner of his eyes, his hair in matted disarray. The pilot’s back muscles were in full form, tensing and releasing as he braced himself against the wall in front of his desk. His arms were pressed against the papers he’d pushed to the wall, and they crinkled with every thrust. Poe had laid a knee against the desk and his thigh was skidding back and forth over the smooth surface.

“Ungh, wow,” he breathed. It was _way_ too much to handle. Still, he couldn't help but move the hand he'd planted on the desk up to Poe's lifted thigh, caressing up to his ass. He watched his own cock sliding in and out of Poe a few times before he shut his eyes again, groaning in frustration. It was too much; he was gonna come if he kept looking.

Finn concentrated on re-coordinating his hand with his thrust and heard Poe give a breathy whine when he hit the rhythm right again. The image of Poe against his desk, leg up, back muscles flexing, Finn's cock sliding in and out of his tight ass was burned into Finn's mind, though. _Fuck_ , he mouthed, as he tried to keep from breaking.

His eves were shut tight, but he could still hear their keening, both his and Poe’s. 

The pilot started saying his name in time to his thrusts. _Finn, Finn, right there, yes, unh, Finn, unh, Finn, yes –_

Finn couldn’t stop himself from breaking. He kept the rhythm of his hand steady as he felt himself coming in waves inside of Poe. He pressed against the pilot’s back and licked and sucked at skin under his mouth.

Poe fucked desperately into the hand gripping his cock as he felt the kisses to his back, felt the thick come filling him up. He peaked with a sharp moan that dragged on and on as he arched into Finn. Finn kept kissing, licking, sucking, and slowed his hand down, long thrusts that pulled ever drop that had built up in him, the white fluid spurting all over his desk, on his stomach, on Finn’s hand. The pilot let out a breathy whine and then another. Finn bit his lip. He loved making Poe sound so needy, so desperate. He gave a few more slow thrusts with his hand before he let go to brace himself as he pulled out, exhaling sharply.

The pilot moaned as he felt Finn’s cock slide out of him. He looked back to see Finn licking at the come on his knuckles, the white fluid a stark contrast to his dark skin. Poe got off the desk with some effort, and kissed Finn, deep and slow as they held each other close.

 

They showered together, scrubbed each other’s backs, and smiled and held each other as the water ran over them.

Finn had to borrow clean clothes from Poe, ones that looked the most basic, like any recruit could have them. The shirt was a hair too tight, but the pilot only raked his eyes over Finn and insisted he keep it.

Finn lay with his head on the pilot’s lap, both of them on the bed, trying not to fall asleep as Poe scratched his scalp gently through his cushy hair.

“Don’t we have work to do?” he murmured. He felt the pilot shrug and pick up his hand to kiss it.

They heard a knock on the bathroom door that led into Poe’s room.

“Snap?” Poe called out.

“Yep, just wanted to let you know the supply-“

“You can come in.”

Snap opened the door with a huge grin on his face. “The supply runner’s back. They brought booze. Everybody’s going nuts. If you want any, you better get some now. I think we’ll be out again by morning.”

The base had been out of alcohol ever since the New Republic left. The dignitaries had drank them dry. Poe laughed. “Well, we better get a move on.” He patted at Finn to ease him off his lap. “I could use a drink.”

Crates of liquor and beer were stacked on the runway and it was a free-for-all. Recruits were shoving entire bottles of hard liquor into their jumpsuits, their cargo pockets, and running back to base.

Around 20:00, General Organa’s gave an announcement over the base-wide intercoms. “Resistance recruits and commanding officers. Feel free to drink as you wish tonight, you all deserve it. Training will resume at 08:00 tomorrow.” A roar erupted through the base. The general had given them all an extra hour to sleep in.

The base was usually quiet past 22:00, but it was in chaos that night.

Nobody seemed to have any cups so bottles were just passed from person to person. Finn took swigs from four different bottles that got passed to him, plus a few beers. Poe drank out of ten. He kept it to hard liquor that night. The New Republic had been stressful.

Finn blinked as he saw a recruit running around with just his boxers on. A recruit in a bra and underwear ran behind him. “What is that, like the third, fourth one we’ve seen?” he asked Poe, pointing out the recruits in their skivvies.

Poe nodded. “Should be a drinkin’ game,” he slurred.

 

Several hours later, Finn had Poe’s arm around his shoulder, supporting about half of his weight as he walked back to the housing wing. Poe was in dire need of sleep. Still, he was lucid enough to smile at Finn and speak in complete sentences.

“You’re so nice,” he murmured. Whenever they passed anyone in the hall, Poe would yell out “This is Finn! I like him a lot!” or “This is my boyfriend! He’s a _Resistance hero_!” or some other declaration of his affection.

The recruits whooped drunkenly at them, but they already knew it.

Finn lead them back to his room since it was closer. He didn’t think he could cover the distance of too many more hallways; he’d had a lot to drink, too. He got to his room and eased Poe onto his bed. He took off the pilot’s shoes and sat on the edge of the bed to look at him. He ran his fingers through Poe’s hair, kissed his forehead.

The pilot patted the space next to him. “Get down here, babe,” he slurred.

Finn got up to turn the light off and fumbled in the dark of his room to crawl into his sheets with Poe.

His foot bumped into the trunk he had stashed under his bed.

The noise and activity of the base-wide bender had made him forget about his earlier session with Solin, about the memory he’d dug up, but the trunk under his bed reminded him of it now. Finn tried to focus his thoughts on Doctor Varr, not the memory. He wasn’t what Finn had expected. _I don’t know if I’m sorry,_  the doctor had said during their session.

 

_Row after row of Stormtroopers._

 

Finn shook his head and took a deep breath; his mind was thick with liquor. The room was quiet except for Poe’s breathing. Finn crept closer and put his head on the pilot’s chest. He heard the steady thump, thump, thump of Poe's heart.

 

_Drills on concrete, left, right, left, right. So many of them, their steps in deafening sync._

 

Finn blinked hard and tried to concentrate. Poe was still awake, looking down at him with a sleepy smile. Finn tried to smile back. His own heart was pounding a little. _This is desire,_ he thought to himself. He knew he was lying.

Poe patted his face. “Y’r soo handsome,” he slurred. Finn tried to laugh, but he was remembering more.

 

_FN-2187 patted the side of his blaster and tapped the trigger in time to his steps. Safety on, just practice._

 

Finn’s breathing was getting shorter. The sound of it filled his ears. “Y’take _such_ good care of me, Finn,” Poe murmured.

 

_He was bored. When would they get to the real stuff, fighting the enemy?_

“I’m with th’ fuckin’ hero ’f the Resistance,” Poe whispered as he pulled Finn tightly against himself. Poe's grip seemed to hold Finn together and still his mind enough to get his breathing back, inhaling and exhaling when the pilot did. Exhaustion and liquor caught up to him and he fell asleep clutched against the pilot's chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sincerely apologize to the people who started reading this fic when I started writing it and I was all like "this will be 10 chapters long, yay!" I was not planning on having such in-depth OC's istg! This will not be ten chapters long obvs, nor twenty. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll have the highest word count fic in the Star Wars fandom on this site by the time I'm done, which I'm kiind of embarrassed about? But I NEED to write this lol!! And also, I'm really wary of pacing, so that tends to up the word count. I don't like feeling like I'm just shoving information at you.
> 
> Anyway, if you bail on me, I wouldn't even be mad at you, really. The fic is going to start getting into some semi-heavy meditations on the effects of war and what-not. I tend to not be a heavy-handed writer, but this will be a looong fic. There will be some fun, sweet chapters even before the end.  
> Also I've already written the last few chapters, and they're REALLY good, so now worries about me abandoning this fic. (It's also why this chapter took a bit to finish. I was writing through a lot of random chapters.)  
> Also: did you know that memory is a reconstructive process in the brain? When you remember something, you’re not pulling a paper out of a file, you’re actively constructing it together, so the general theory is that a memory changes a little bit every time you revisit it. That’s why I have Finn’s memory a little different every time he remembers it, trying to show that he zeroes in on one particular part of it depending on what situation he’s in.  
> Thanks all, love the comments <3 You're such an awesome group of readers, seriously! You ask me the best questions.


	17. Chapter 17

Finn sat at the table drinking tea as Solin worked on the modified brain scanner. The drink was helping his headache. He wondered if he was always going to get snacks before the sessions.

“That was some party last night,” the doctor mused, his arm deep within the casing of the machine. His mouth quirked into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’re not hung over, are you? It might not be good for-” Solin gestured at the brain scanner.

Finn shook his head. Then he laughed as he remembered the night before; he couldn’t help it, even with the task looming ahead of him. It had been a ridiculous way to spend the evening.

“Did you manage to get a drink at all?” he asked the doctor.

Solin shook his head. “I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t like what it does to my head.”

Finn felt like there was a story there, but he didn’t press it. He wondered what the doctor even did all day while he was on base. He asked him.

The doctor was trying to reach something inside the machine. “Well,” he said, voice strained, “I have to calibrate this machine according to your brain patterns, and that’s a daily process. I made them myself so they’re all a bit temperamental.” He pulled out a few wires and fiddled with them.  “Yesterday, I went through some data from a few other subjects, and I’m in the middle of writing my fifth research document on my findings.” He smiled wide at Finn. “Quite busy.”

Finn realized that by subjects, he meant people like him, people whose memories the doctor picked at, dug up. There were others who’d gone through this. Finn wondered how many. “Do you have a lot of, uh, subjects?”

Solin nodded.” You’re my only one right now, though. The others have all been New Republic soldiers who’d been imprisoned by the enemy for various lengths of time. You’re my first subject who’s lived his entire life as the enemy, so I thought I’d focus on just you. A real, live Stormtrooper!” The doctor grinned to himself.

Finn grimaced at Solin’s words. _Lived_ _his entire life as the enemy._ Finn wanted to say something, but then he remembered.

 

_FN2187 tapped the trigger of his blaster in time to his steps. When would they get to the real stuff, fighting the enemy?_

Finn tensed his jaw. “Ex-Stormtrooper,” he muttered.

Solin nodded as he shoved the wires back in. “Of course.”

Finn knew he was Resistance, through and through. He resented Solin for making him doubt himself.

“You said yesterday you weren’t sorry about being the enemy’s doctor?” Finn asked. Who in the room was the enemy, really? It wasn’t Finn. He knew what side he was on.

Solin looked up at him, surprised. His expression was completely benign, but his piercing blue eyes still startled Finn.

The doctor frowned thoughtfully. “I said that sometimes I _don’t know_ if I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?” Finn was genuinely confused.

Solin straightened to his full height and looked at Finn carefully. The doctor was a head taller than him and seemed to loom over him as he sat at the table drinking his tea. Finn felt his muscles tense.

“You should know, Finn, that I will never lie to you. I will never withhold information from you. Not about any aspect of this procedure, not about anything you ask me. I don’t for any of my subjects. So be careful what you ask, because I will tell you the truth every time.”

 _Why was he saying it like it was a threat?_ Finn wondered. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

The doctor was still towering, shoulders squared, a solemn expression on his face. “Sometimes, Finn, a lie or half-truth is better for the mind. But I can’t do that. I spent too many years telling half truths for the enemy that unwound so many brains, so I tell the truth to my subjects every time, on principle. So, always ask yourself if you _really_ want to know what you want to ask me.”

Finn remembered that he’d asked to prove a point. He was loyal, Dr. Varr was not.

“I want to know.”

Solin shrugged and his grave demeanor seemed to melt off of him. He spoke pleasantly, like he was talking about the weather.

“Sometimes I don’t know if I’m sorry because, well, I kept doing what the enemy asked me to do, to stay alive. I got out eventually, but I did it by moving up in their ranks. They trusted me quite a bit, right up until I escaped.”

“And while this memory recall therapy, er, procedure, isn’t torturing brains on purpose, it’s not exactly good for brains, and I do it for this side of the lines. And sometimes I feel like I’m sorry that I do it, and sometimes I’m not, but it seems to be needed.” He typed in more codes into the machine’s datapad, then squinted at the screen and took some notes. “I’m just a tool of war, Finn, getting passed through various hands. Being sorry doesn’t matter much for my life,” he said absently.

The doctor cocked his head to meet Finn’s eyes again. “Like you, Finn, you want to use your mind as a tool for the Resistance, to learn more about the time you were a tool for the First Order. Your brain’s a tool of war, passing hands.”

Finn was about to protest, but the doctor continued, “although, you have friends that you’re trying to protect with it. It’s been many years since I’ve had that.” The machine whirred to life and he perked up. He looked at Finn and gestured to the brain scanner. “Up you go!”

 

 _Pain, lots of it. It didn’t stay in his head. The crackling in his skull seemed to go down his spine and out to his arms. Tiny fractures, splintering him from the inside._ Finn heard someone cry out. Was it him? His throat hurt.

“The pain isn’t real, Finn. Remember why you're doing this.” Solin’s voice. “Keep going.”

_For Rey and Poe_

Finally-

 

 _He was surrounded by children. Older than the evac children,_ Finn thought _. They looked harder, too, such grim expressions on their faces. So focused. One of them swung at FN-2187 and he swung back. His own reach was so short, but he won the fight. He looked up to see a Stormtrooper he didn’t recognize wearing a Trooper uniform that didn’t match anyone else’s. The unmatching Stormtrooper was nodding at him and clapping with everyone else._

He’s promising, _he said to the other Stormtrooper next to him. There was a ring of them around him. Scrutinizing him behind their masks._

 

Finn came up gasping for air. Solin gave him a smile. “Anything good?” he quirked.

The different Trooper uniform had been striking to Finn. He described it to Solin as best he could; it was bulkier than usual, had more protrusions in the armor, on the shoulders, forearms, and shins.

“That was excellent information,” the doctor told him. “It could even be a Stormtrooper specialization we haven’t encountered yet!”

Finn was relieved to have found something useful. He’d keep doing this, dig out all his memories if it meant the Resistance could be safer. If it meant Rey and Poe could be safer.

 

*************************

 

Finn decided to spar afterwards. He was distracted the whole time. _He’s promising_ the Stormtrooper had said about him. Finn had been so young in the memory. Why did he only know how to shoot a blaster when he got older, when he got to the Resistance?

Finn lost his breath as he moved quickly just in time to dodge a coming kick. He locked his arms around his sparring partner's leg, and heaved up and over, just like Poe had during their bout, and sent the recruit tumbling back. Finn grinned down at him and put out a hand to help him up. “That was close,” he said, clapping the recruit on the back.

Finn stayed in the sparring ring a long time. He didn't really have anything to do with his free time; the evac families had been shuttled out. Finn missed their presence but knew they were somewhere better and he was glad for it. A military base was no place for children.

 

_He was a child, fighting another child. He won. He's promising, FN-2187 heard the Stormtrooper say. They were watching him closely._

The memory of sparring with other children of the First Order came to him over and over again in different versions throughout the day. Finn kept trying to mentally jerk away from it, focus on the task at hand, but it always snapped back to him a few moments later. Staying busy seemed to help some, so that's what he did, filled his day with sparring, gunning, drills. 

 

Poe knew Finn had exhausted himself that day as soon as he saw him at dinner. He looked disapproving at first, but he just sighed and asked Finn about what he'd been up to.

When they got to Poe’s room later, the pilot drew him into a tight hug. “Don’t work too hard, Finn,” Poe murmured, caressing his arm. “You know it can make your anxiety worse.”

Sitting around with nothing but his memories pressing at him seemed to make it worse, too, but Finn didn’t tell Poe that. He didn’t want to make the pilot to worry, or feel bad about being so busy, so Finn just nodded.

Everyone on base had gotten busier lately. Finn had sensed the whir of Resistance life picking up. They were getting in top form for the arrival of the liaison recruits. The drill schedule was starting to get packed together tightly and staggered in a way that made it hard for Finn to find breaks with other people. He opted to stay busy, run the drills with the other recruits; at least then he’d have people around him.

Finn slept over in Poe’s room that night, like he often did. He was tired, but he was never too tired for Poe, who seemed to feel the same way. They always had just enough energy to come together at night, unwinding from their days by taking whatever pleasure they could from each other. 

Afterwards, as they lay on Poe’s bed, Finn’s eyes drew up to the pictures the pilot had on his shelf. He loved that picture of Poe as a child, so young and happy. Innocent.

Finn felt a throbbing in his temples.

 

_He was a child, surrounded by children, all of them surrounded by Stormtroopers. They took turns fighting each other._

Finn sighed and rubbed his head.

 

_FN-2187 was next. He grappled the child in front of him. He won. He grinned._

Finn tried to keep his breathing even.

 

_FN-2187 could feel the admiration from the Stormtroopers. He’d be one someday. His little heart swelled with pride._

 

Finn buried his face in the pilot’s chest and pressed against him. The pilot hummed and put his arms around Finn, laying kisses on the top of his head. He held Finn to himself as they slept.

That night, Finn dreamed of Poe as a child, playing on the Force-sensitive tree that the pilot had growing in his yard in Yavin. Poe had told him so many stories about it. Finn was watching him from beneath its branches, sunlight peeking through the leaves and dappling his vision. He couldn’t quite make the first branch, he was too short. Poe looked down at him, grinning, and extended his hand. Finn felt himself smile and reached up, and startled at the stark white casing on his own arm. He was wearing a Stormtrooper uniform.

Finn woke up abruptly, alone, on the pilot’s bed.

 

**************************************

Another day, another session. Finn took a deep breath as he headed to the meeting room.

Sparring with Poe had gone well that day. The pilot had actually grinned at Finn when his kick reached the strike shields he was holding up. Poe had clapped the strike shields together right after and called out, “alright, exactly that, five more times!”

Finn warmed at the memory, at Poe’s approval, at finding his own body so capable of improvement.

 

_He’s promising, the Stormtrooper nodded at him._

Finn sighed and entered the meeting room.

Solin greeted him with more tea and biscuits. He sat at the table with Finn, datapad out, ready to take notes.

“We’ll have to get right down to business today, unfortunately,” the doctor said a little hurriedly. “I have to comm a couple of other scientists in exactly thirty minutes. The time difference between here and there wouldn’t allow for a later meeting.”

Solin looked at Finn sheepishly. “I think it’s just going to be some questions for this session. I need to make a datamap of your brain and now would be a good time to start. No machine and no new memories today. Sorry about that, Finn.” He really did seem genuinely sorry, although about what, Finn wasn’t sure. Sorry that he couldn’t pick Finn’s brain apart? That seemed likely.

“That’s alright,” Finn said, a little relieved.

“I wanted to ask if the memories changed at all after you left the session, if you remembered more as the day went on.”

Finn had. He told the doctor all the details at his insistence. Anything can be helpful, we never know, Solin kept saying. Finn thought he’d mention something else about them.

“I kept remembering them when I didn’t want to. All day, it seemed like.”

“That’s common with memories, even good ones. Normal,” Solin murmured, typing things into the datapad.

Finn doubted that what he’d been experiencing was normal. “They feel like they get bigger, in my head. It feels like I can’t stop them.”

Solin nodded, but he was still looking down at his work. “How did you cope?”

“I just tried not to think about it.”He pushed them out of his mind repeatedly but they had kept coming back. Staying busy with drills and sparring seemed to quiet them, at least better than when Finn was alone. When he was alone or in a quiet room, even the sounds of the memories came so vividly to him.

He didn’t hear them now, though. He only heard the machine whirring in the background, the doctor’s fingers tapping on the screen of his datapad.

“Ah, see that can actually make it worse,” Solin mused. “Trying not to think about it, I mean.”

“What should I do instead, then?”

“Well, when obtrusive thoughts pair with anxiety, it can turn into obsessive thinking,” the doctor said distractedly, as he mapped Finn’s memories. “The anxiety chemicals in your brain just don’t want to stop. Acceptance of the state of things is-”

Solin stopped abruptly and fidgeted in his seat. He scratched his head, then smoothed his hair back to its tidy state. “You should talk to Dr. Niva. I’m not a psychiatrist.” The doctor shook his head once as he typed into the datapad. “Nope, I’m not a psychiatrist anymore.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“

“No, no, I’m reminding myself.” He waved away Finn’s apology as he worked. He gave Finn a smile, but it was cold and flat. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” he said pleasantly.

*****************************

_You should talk to Dr. Niva._

It was a therapy day, so Finn headed towards the medical wing. Doctor Niva was glad to see him when he arrived. The sessions with Solin weren’t so bad, he told her. Still, she was worried about its effect on him and she wanted to focus on his memory recall sessions for that appointment.

“What did you remember?”  the doctor asked him. As Finn’s psychiatrist, she’d been given clearance for his memories as well.

Finn felt his mouth go dry for some reason. “Not a lot,” he murmured. He thought about the first memory he'd pried out of his brain. “Marching. In a long line of Stormtroopers.” He felt strange mentioning it to her. _Trauma has a way of piecing the brain apart,_ she’d said, but his memories hadn’t been…traumatic.

“Do you remember how you felt in the memory?” she asked, as she brought out her notebook and clicked a pen.

Finn didn’t want to tell her but he’d gotten so comfortable with the doctor over their appointments the past few months that it slipped out of his mouth.

“I was bored, marching around.” _I_ _wanted to shoot my blaster._ That part he kept to himself.

Finn’s eye went to the Resistance insignia on Dr. Niva’s coat; it looked like a flame, come to consume him. The room suddenly felt small, the light glaring.  His heart started beating a little faster. A headache pounded in his temples.

Dr. Niva looked at him carefully as she nodded. “How do you feel about that? That you were bored?”

Finn’s mouth was still dry. “Uneasy?” he tried not to stammer. He suddenly felt like his clothes were too tight, too rough, like they weren’t letting him breathe properly, like they were scratching at his skin.

Finn took a deep breath, subtly, so she wouldn’t notice.

“It wasn’t that important, the memory,” he waved it away. “It wasn’t a big deal.” Finn was glad that his voice came out even and sure. He was trying to convince both of them.

 _What is wrong with me,_ Finn thought. He felt like he was being interrogated. He went through the rest of the session with his muscles tensed. His heart skipped a beat every time Dr. Niva wrote something down on her datapad.

 _This is your therapist. You trust her,_  Finn thought to himself. He looked again at the Resistance insignia on her lapel.  _But d_ _oes_ _she trust you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter is coming soon! By tonight probably. And then some fun chapters after that. Thanks for the comments, love em all <3


	18. Chapter 18

Breakfast. Gunning, sparring, drills. Lunch with other recruits. More drills. Dinner with Poe. Reading and research late into the night.

Finn’s routine on the base was a steady rhythm, like a heartbeat, and it had the days passing in a blur.

Every other day he sparred with Poe. He knew he was improving, even if Poe liked to bark out all the imperfections in his form during their training. He always got a wink and a smile out of the pilot in the locker room afterwards.

Every other day he talked to Rey. She wanted to know every detail of what he remembered, of what the memory recall was like. She was worried, always worried, and Finn did his best to ease her mind.  
“It’s not that bad, he insisted. ”And I’m getting a lot of information. I need to help you.”

They had been roped into the war together, at the same time, and they both had reasons for being in the fight that seemed different than the Resistance recruits. The Resistance had a mission statement, a calling, a long history. Finn and Rey, they’d just gotten to the war and they held each other’s hands as it whirled around them. Finn felt comfortable telling her what he remembered in a way he didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone who was Resistance.

Except Poe. Finn would tell Poe anything about his memories if the pilot asked, but he never pried about the details and only ever took what Finn told him. Finn was glad of it. The sessions with Solin were hard enough and his memories kept coming to him throughout the day and when he was with Poe, he just wanted to be with Poe.

That was getting harder to do, though. Finn and Poe were both working hard. The pilot knew he didn’t really have any right to tell Finn to take it easy when he was doing the same thing himself, cramming his days full of air drills and training. Still, drills were one thing, the whole business with the memory recall was another. The pilot mentioned it one night as they sat in his room working.

“Do you really need to do the memory thing every day, Finn? You’ve seemed so tired lately.”

Finn looked up from his datapad. “I don’t need to, but I want to. I’m getting a lot of information. I want to help.” Recently, Finn had gotten the name of a planet in the Unknown Regions, one that a base he’d been in had orbited for a while. He wasn’t sure what the First Order was doing there, but even just the name had been a big discovery. Finn thought about it a lot when his memories felt like they were intruding in his day. _Keep going,_ he’d remind himself.

Poe nodded. “I know. You work so hard for us. I just- it makes me nervous, you know?” He kissed Finn’s temple. “Varr doesn’t push you into this, does he?”

Finn shook his head. “No, he’s really into his work and he’s happy I go every day, but he doesn’t push me.”

“That’s good. It’s always your choice. Remember that, ok? Not mine, not the Resistance’s, not Varr’s but yours. No one is going to make you do this.”

Poe always seemed to know what to say to him. Finn smiled and nodded. “Thanks, Poe.”

“What’s Varr like?” The pilot asked, as he went back to his work on his desk. “I ran into him a few times when all those diplos were here. Didn’t really talk to him much, he was mostly with Resistance intelligence while he was here.”

“He makes me kind of uneasy sometimes but he’s really not too bad. He’s just kind of strange.”

“He seems pretty strange to everyone,” Poe agreed. “Even to the New Republic diplomats he came with. He was a little creepy even then, but at least he wasn’t an ass like a lot of them were.”

That was true. Solin had none of their pretense, their posturing. “You know he used to be a psychiatrist?”

Poe looked up from his work. “Oh? What happened?”

“He said he’s messed up too many brains to feel like he can go back to repairing them. He was a prisoner of war for two years and I guess he had to do a lot of terrible things to stay alive.” It had been a grim statement when he made it to Finn and he felt grim repeating it now. It was statements like that that made the doctor creepy, but Poe had a different reaction than Finn expected.

Poe had been standing at his desk, bouncing his foot and vibrating with his usual energy, but he seemed to still when Finn spoke about Solin.

“Two years? That’s a long time to be a prisoner,” the pilot murmured, as he looked down at his work.

 

 

Every day there was a session with Solin. It was routine now, too. Tea, chat, brain scan, pain, sometimes lots of pain, chat.

Today was no different. Finn finished up his biscuit just as the doctor looked up from calibrating the datapad. “Ready to start?” Solin asked. Finn nodded and got up from the table to step into the whirring machine.

 

 _Sanitation. At Starkiller._ Finn already knew about that. He pushed it away. It came back. _Why were you sent to work Sanitation? To clean. Why? You were so promising, so strong, so fast. Why did they send you to Sanitation?_

Finn felt shock run through his entire body. He was sure he was being electrocuted, that the machine had shorted out, that he was being shocked by all the wires and all the power on the base-

“The pain isn’t real, Finn.”

Finn felt himself tensing more. He remembered what Dr. Niva had told him. _Don’t let him tell you its not real. It’s real._

“The pain isn’t real, Finn.” Solin repeated. “You won’t die from it, it’s not real. Your friends, though, they are real. Remember that you’re doing this for them.”

Solin was right. Finn pushed through it, and he felt like he was going to crack, like all his bones were going to break at once.

“I won’t die from this,” he gasped out desperately. It was a question.

“You won’t die from this, Finn." Solin’s voice was gentle. "I’m an expert, remember? You won’t die from this.” 

Finn felt himself nod and delved into his mind some more.

 

_So many small memories, one right after another. Chats with other Troopers. Snippets of meetings, a long line of other Troopers standing with him as they listened to their missives. He was still so young._

Finn pieced them together in his mind along with the other memories he’d gathered over the weeks, carefully, like he was stepping along the edge of a precipice.

_Everyone on Starkiller had started at Sanitation. He’d been sent there to move through the ranks. He’d been promising. He was so young. They transferred him out, in the end. Why? Why?_

 

A shock shot through his spine. He tried to push through it like before. His scar seemed to come alive, then, pulsing and throbbing on his back. He couldn’t feel anything else and he gasped at the pain. It was on him, through him, all around him, pressing him-

Finn heard Solin’s voice again, more forceful this time. “Finn, you can stop. It seems like you’ve got something already. We’ve been here over an hour, we can start again tomorrow.”

 

The doctor had taken to freeing him from the machine and having their discussions at the table. Finn preferred it. He rested his head on his arms a while, breathing raggedly as the doctor took a seat next to him.

“Biscuit might help,” the doctor quirked, pushing the plate of snacks to him. Finn reached for another. They _were_ good.

“Where do you even get these?” he mumbled.

“I have them shipped on special order. I pay a killing to get them here. They’re kind of a favorite of mine.”

Finn stopped chewing and looked down at his snack. He felt bad eating so many.

The doctor gestured for him to keep eating. “It’s alright, I don’t have anything else to spend my credits on. And I make _a lot_ from this work. Take as much as you want.”

He told Solin about his memories as the doctor wrote them into a notebook.

“I guess I got sent to Starkiller to do Sanitation because they wanted me to move up in the ranks there. They thought I was a really good fighter, thought I was promising.”

Solin nodded. He started adding the new memories into the datamap he'd made before. It was only getting bigger, more complex, and he furrowed his brow to concentrate. “I do hear that you’re quite the fighter, Finn. I heard from the recruits around here.” 

Finn shifted in his seat. “I trained with the Resistance to get like that, though, not the First Order. I wasn’t very good when I first got here.” Finn realized it was strange, that he’d barely known how to do much else besides aim and shoot when he’d gotten to the base when he’d trained so hard as a child under the First Order. And he was well into his teenage years when they decided he was good enough to transfer him to Starkiller. He must have been good then, too.

He was deep in thought when he noticed Solin looking at him. Finn caught his eye and the doctor looked down abruptly and got back to his work.

“What?” Finn asked. The doctor was keeping something from him. He wanted to know what it was.

Solin shrugged. “There’s a thing called muscle memory. The body can remember even what the mind can’t. It’s why it’s hard to break physical habits, like how I keep reaching for a light switch in the room I have now where my old room used to have it. Your muscles remember moving in specific ways and it keeps moving in those ways if you repeated something enough.”

“So…” Finn prodded him. The doctor had said he refused to tell Finn even half-truths.

Solin looked up at him. “It may be why you picked up on sparring so quickly when you got here; your muscles remember its training from…before.” The machine behind them started to whirr louder and Solin got up to tend to it.

Finn had been so proud about how hard he’d worked with the Resistance to improve his skill in combat. He wasn’t sure what to do with the knowledge that it may have just been his First Order training, brought out by repeated sparring with Resistance recruits. _Practice, makes permanent, Finn._

Finn shifted in his seat to ease the throbbing from his scar. He remembered his fight with Kylo Ren, the way the dignitaries had been impressed when they learned about it, then suspicious. _You fought Kylo Ren? And lived?_ Was it muscle memory that had saved him that night? Finn had fought so well then; his senses had been so sharp. He’d been able to keep Ren at bay, at least for a little while, until Rey woke up to save him.

Finn was brought out of his cloudy thoughts by the sound of Solin hissing. He looked up to see the doctor with a finger in his mouth, apparently burned by some part of his machine. “Are you alright?” Finn asked.

“It’s nothing. There’s some crossed wires somewhere back there, and I’m having trouble getting to it. I’d hate for this thing to overheat in the middle of a session, waste all our hard work.” He smiled at Finn. “I’ll have it fixed by tomorrow, don’t worry.”

 

Finn walked out of the room thinking about muscle memory. The doctor gave him a lot to think about sometimes, offering odd tidbits of information even when Finn didn’t ask. Finn enjoyed it; he preferred to think about those things rather than cycling through his still- expanding bank of memories with the First Order.

Muscle memory wasn’t such a strange concept. Finn remembered the way Solin nodded at him and patted his hand sometimes while Finn spoke about the more difficult aspects of the procedure. The doctor seemed to have the muscle memory of being a psychiatrist, even if he wasn’t one anymore and actively refused to be one. Sometimes it seemed that Solin had to put in a lot of effort to not fall into the habits of his old work; he’d give Finn a little too much information about one of his disorders and stop himself or accidentally ask Finn something Finn could hear Dr. Niva asking. “How did you cope?” “How did it make you feel?” And he said “thank you for sharing that with me” at least once ever session. Those mannerisms that seemed to creep up on Solin were why Finn sometimes felt quite comfortable in the room with him, at least until the doctor looked directly into his eyes. Solin’s gaze still caught Finn off-guard and he always felt a chill when the doctor held his eye contact for a long time.

 

Finn was almost to the medical wing before he remembered that he’d moved his sessions with Dr. Niva down to one day a week again. He was getting used to the memory recall process, he’d told Dr. Niva. And really, the pain wasn’t that bad. Solin had been right, in the end. The pain wasn’t real and it didn’t kill him. Finn always opened his eyes afterwards, breathing, alive, with the doctor smiling at him, his blue eyes shining like the lights on the machine.

Finn didn’t talk much about his First Order memories during his appointments with Dr. Niva. They bothered him, but they weren’t traumatic. Finn felt a little ridiculous at the idea of having her offer him encouragements over his completely benign memories as a Stormtrooper.

Dr. Niva had been with the Resistance a long time and Finn knew that she had probably seen dozens of Resistance recruits who’d been traumatized by the First Order, traumatized by their battles with Stormtroopers. It would be strange to ask her to see things from the perspective of a recruit on the other side, and a seemingly un-traumatized recruit at that. Finn refused to do it. It seemed wrong, like trying to get her to sympathize with the enemy.

Finn kept his therapy appointments to how he coped with the Resistance getting busier, how he was handling his anxiety, how things were going with Poe. There was plenty to talk about besides his memories. Once a week, it was all he seemed to need.

 

 ***************************

 

His sessions with Solin were still every day. Finn really was getting used to it, used to pushing through his psychosomatic pain. He didn’t know why his brain kept insisting on keeping him out, session after session. “Minds are stubborn things,” Solin said. “Sometimes it just can’t let go.”

He got more and more memories.

 

_Training as a child. FN-2187 worked so hard, he was so full of fire. He’s promising, they kept saying about him. Even as he got older._

_Children didn’t need to be remediated.  They didn’t attempt to befriend each other, too much competition, too many eyes watching. Sometimes one child would try. Accidentally, most of the time. They’d hug someone else or smile a little too big at the same person over and over again. The Stormtroopers were always watching them, though, and they always noticed. They weren’t disposed, just shuffled around to different bases. It took a lot to grow a human and the First Order couldn’t afford to waste a single resource._

_The strongest were the most prized and FN-2187 was_ prized.

_“The First Order seeks to return to stability that promotes progress”, he said along with the others. FN-2187 loved progress. He saw so much in himself. The harder he worked the more progress he saw. The whole world should be like that, FN-2187 thought._

_Starkiller again. Sanitation, a whole year of it. He remembered walking around it so well that he could practically rebuild  the parts of it he’d had access to at his rank._

_They didn’t let him move up, though. They transferred him out, moved him to patrol. Why?_

_Marching, always marching. Practicing formations like clockwork, even when he worked in Sanitation. Even when they transferred him out._

 

 

Some days, Finn’s memories really seemed to press into him and no amount of drills and training pushed them out. Sometimes the drills made them worse. He would be practicing battle formations with the Resistance, and all of a sudden he would get a flashback to training with the First Order.

There were so many Stormtroopers, _so many_ of them. Row after row, the white of their armor blinding Finn. He was always in the middle of it, marching with them, melding perfectly with their steps, at least in his head. FN-2187, armor on, blaster in hand, had perfect rhythm. All the Stormtroopers did.

In real life, he’d always still be in sync with the Resistance, only faltering here and there, no more than any other recruit. He trained hard enough that his body went through the motions of Resistance training, even when his mind was elsewhere. _Practice makes permanent, Finn._

 

_**************************************_

 

Finn walked back to his room after his drill. It had been one of those days, where his mind wouldn't let a memory go. He sighed as he opened his door. The first thing he always saw when he walked in was the wall of drawings the evac children had left him. He smiled at the cluster of them, at all the drawings of himself with flowers and trees and the children. And weapons.

Finn couldn’t take them down, not even after they’d left. They’d been gifts to him, every one. Even the one he couldn’t look at.

Finn sat on his bed with a manual on the Illeenium System. The star maps looked a lot like Solin’s data map of his mind and he couldn’t focus, his memories lapping at him like waves. He gave up trying to read and let his First Order memories wash over him. He might as well try to make the best of it, maybe he could find something new if he just sat there and sifted through them. Something useful.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay on the bed, arm over his face, cycling through his old memories, trying to piece together what he could.

 

_He was a child, eating in the mess hall of the base. Most of them were children on that base. They kept them together, trained them together, until they were old enough or good enough to be transferred._

_Stormtroopers hated getting Trooper-in-training duty. Weak little brats, FN-2187 heard one muttering._

_He wasn’t a brat. He was strong. He could be stronger than this Stormtrooper insulting him, someday._

_FN-2187 was so determined. So young and so full of fire. He knew he was better, and could get even  better._

_FN-2187 was older now. He was in Sanitation at Starkiller. He was proud to be there. Starkiller was such a fortress. This whole planet is a base? he’d thought, in wonder. He worked so hard there._

_They transferred him out, in the end. FN-2187, unsuitable for Starkiller. Try putting him in patrol. Why? What did he do?_

They had been right. In the end, he’d helped blow the entire planet up. Still, Finn wanted to know why he was sent away. _Why, do you care so much about this?_ The information probably wouldn’t be useful to the Resistance. Starkiller was gone. _Anything can be helpful you never know,_ he heard Solin say.

Finn snapped back to reality when he heard a knock on his door. He was still lying on his bed. He turned his head and his eyes went directly to the picture of him with Jessika and the other pilots he’d gone cord jumping with, Orik, Emrin, Mila. The picture was still propped on his shelf, always at eye level with him when he was on his bed. He’d set it up that way; he liked seeing it first thing in the morning, especially when he woke up alone, a physical reminder of a memory he had with the Resistance. Finn smiled to himself. He heard another knock and got up to answer it.

 “Hey,” Poe murmured to Finn as he walked in. “I didn’t see you in the mess hall and I got a little worried. Are you alright? I didn’t want you to miss dinner.” The pilot stroked his hair.

Finn smiled a little at him. He wasn’t _not_ alright. He just felt…heavy, like there were too many lives crammed into him, so many versions of himself sitting under his skin, pressing at his muscles and bones. Finn took a deep breath. He was used to coping and he’d gotten good at it. Solin was right, Finn had been an excellent patient with Dr. Niva and he had worked hard to be stable. And he _was_ stable.

Still, Finn knew Poe was worried and he didn’t want to keep pushing him away. The pilot brought up his other hand so he was cradling Finn’s face, caressing his jaw. “How are you feeling? You look _so_ tired, Finn.”

 Finn sighed and shut his eyes. “Poe, I was a Stormtrooper for so long,” he whispered. It felt like a confession. He had so many memories of it now, and he was only getting more.

Poe nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.” He drew Finn into a hug.

 _Sorry,_ Finn thought. That he’d been a Stormtrooper? He hadn’t seemed to suffer much, not really.

“I kept doing what they asked me to do,” he murmured.

“You didn’t have a choice, Finn. You were just a weapon to them.” Poe rubbed his back.

  _I’m just a tool of war, Finn, passing hands. Like you._

Finn took a deep breath. “What am I now?” He was still whispering. He’d felt heavy just a minute ago, and now he felt like a haze, like air, like empty space.

Poe pulled back to touch their foreheads together and look him in the eyes. “Anything you want to be, Finn. Anything you want.”

Finn’s eyes were still shut. He felt Poe caress his cheek. 

“You ran from all of this, before, remember?” The pilot asked. “But you went back for Rey. You wanted to do that. You chose it.”

Finn nodded. Love. He went back for Rey because he loved her. Even then, when he’d only known her for less than a month he had loved her. His first real friend, the first one nobody tried to take away.

“I think you chose to stay here on the base, didn’t you?” Poe murmured.

Finn nodded again. He’d had nowhere else to go, though. Rey was gone when he woke up.

Poe took a deep breath. “Finn, do you want to leave the Resistance? You can leave if you want.” He said it in a whisper.

Finn shook his head.  “I want to stay.” He was sure of that. Why? “I have to help Rey,” he said.  How could he leave her to fight alone?

Finn was starting to sound determined again, strong, like his usual self, and it made Poe smile. Finn looked up at the pilot, who was holding his face so gently and looking in his eyes with such tenderness. He couldn’t leave Poe to fight alone, either.

“I stay for you, too.” Finn murmured.

A bigger smile broke through Poe. It was so full, so warm, so surprising that Finn broke out in a smile as well. He felt something flicker inside himself. He kissed Poe, a few pecks on the lips. It only made the pilot smile wider.

“I stay for Jess and Snap, too,” Finn teased him, between kisses.

“Oh, do you? And here I thought I was special,” the pilot teased back.

“And I stay for BB-8.”

“Oh yeah? Do you stay for C3PO too?” Poe laughed softly.

“Mm hmm. And General Organa. She gave me a handheld commlink, you know. Those are like 10,000 cred minimum!”

Poe laughed as he poked Finn’s sides and tried to shove him onto the bed to pin him. Finn let him. The pilot held his wrists down, gently, against the soft mattress, his hair spilling over his face as he grinned down at Finn.

“I should buy you nice things, too, huh?” Poe was teasing, but he realized he really hadn’t gotten Finn anything yet and they’d been together for months. Poe never really bought much for himself and he wasn’t used to actually spending his credits. He had a pile of it just sitting in his account and a boyfriend he had yet to give a single gift to. _Way to go_ , _Dameron,_ he scolded himself. “You deserve it, you deserve all the nice things I can get you,” he said, smiling at Finn.

“You’re my nice thing,” Finn murmured up at him. “You’re my nicest thing.”

Poe melted at his words. Finn never ceased to amaze him. He had such an open heart, so full of kindness and goodness, and it seemed to just pour out of him whenever Poe needed it. The pilot smiled and shook his head. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.

The pilot was hovering over Finn with a wide grin on his face and his eyes shining, but his expression changed for just a second, from smiling and sweet to something else.

Finn noticed. What was that look Poe had given him just now? Regretful, sad. Where had it come from? Finn reached up to touch his face. “Yes you do,” Finn insisted. “Of course you do. Poe, you’re amazing.” _I don’t deserve you,_ he thought.

The pilot leaned into his hand and Finn pulled him down to hold him close. “You deserve everything, Poe. You deserve so much,” he murmured at the pilot. He felt Poe nod under his arms. “What’s wrong?” Finn asked.

Poe shook his head. “It’s been a long day,” he mumbled. He didn’t want to think about himself now. Finn was hurting. Poe wanted to take care of him.

The pilot had a thought and looked up at him, grinning again. “I got like ten days of leave that I haven’t used up, Finn, and a pile of credits just begging to be spent. We both need a break, I’m gonna take you someplace nice.”

Finn felt himself lighten just a little, just enough to forget his memories and think ahead about what ten days with the pilot and no work could be like. He grinned back, so wide that he almost felt a laugh coming out of him.

They missed dinner that night; they were too caught up in each other, too excited about their little plan. They ate rations while they mapped out their trip. Afterwards, they worked, real work, Resistance work, late into the night like they almost always did, but they’d catch each other’s eye and one of them would start laughing and set the other one off. It was exciting, thinking about what lay ahead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Finn are gonna go on vacation together, yay! Poe’s gonna grow a beard, they’re gonna go out to dinner, and get up to all kinds of shenanigans, because of course, Snap and Jess will insist on coming with. They all need the break, and so do you, my dear readers, from all this ANGST. (It's only a little angst, though, right? ;))  
> The next few chapters will be quite sweet and fun. And HOT. At least if you’re into…certain things…LOL
> 
> Also, someone asked me a few chapters back if I had an image of what Solin looked like and I definitely do. He's like a mix of Daniel Henney and a young Andy Lau (blue eyes, though!). Particularly these pics:  
> http://i1.wp.com/americankpopfans.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Daniel-Henney-28.jpg?resize=1747%2C1240  
> and  
> https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b3/77/03/b37703c9f5080948cd4c7b910970544b.jpg
> 
> So like, fine as hell. Do your opinions about him change at all knowing that?? ahaha
> 
> I love hearing your thoughts about how this is going ^__^


	19. Chapter 19

It took a few days for Poe to file the paperwork for his leave. Since Finn wasn’t an actual recruit, he didn’t need to file anything, he could come and go as he pleased and he liked that. Rey might need him to go somewhere some day and he didn’t want to have to ask for permission if that day ever came.

Of course, Jess and Snap caught wind of their plans and invited themselves along.

“They don’t have to go if you don’t want. I’m their lieutenant, you know. They gotta do what I say,” the pilot quirked.

“I want them to come!” Finn laughed. “Jess owes me a nice dinner. Do you not want them to come?”

The pilot shook his head, grinning at Finn. ”As long as I get plenty of time with just you and me, I don’t care if the entire base came with us.” He winked at Finn. “I told them the first three days I’m spending with just you, though.”

*********************

Finn and Poe woke up on the first morning of their trip and lay tangled together in the sheets, unwilling to get up even thought they’d already spent all of yesterday together without leaving the room. When the planet’s suns arched high into the horizon, signaling midday, they were still in bed. There were no assignments or drills to go to in twenty minutes, in 3 hours, or the next morning that pressed into their time together. The only thing they needed to spend their energy on was each other, and they spent it, their bodies completely unimpaired by work, by obligations.  

The sex they’d been having was amazing. It blew Finn’s mind. He’d had no idea it could even be like this, so unhurried, so much time and so much energy between the two of them to take each other in, look, touch, kiss, talk. Poe had gotten them a room with a sitting area and a balcony with a view but they’d barely left the bed.

“You might have to be quieter here,” the pilot had grinned at him. Their room was large and the walls were thick, but it didn’t have nearly the amount of reinforcement that their rooms on the base did. After months of being vocal about all the ways Poe was unwinding him, he was having a bit of a hard time being quieter. He’d had to resort to groaning into the sheets, his pillow, or clamping his mouth over Poe’s flesh to stop the keening sounds that rose up and out of him.

He had his face pressed into the pilot’s shoulder now, feeling him breathe and breathing with him. Something about the lack of a schedule, and the new environment, and maybe all the tension-releasing sex they were having had Finn feeling calmer than he’d felt in months. His First Order memories hadn’t been surfacing much and he was having a much easier time pushing them away when they came up.

Poe lay in bed thinking that he wanted more, even more, of Finn like this, but a voice in his head told him they should actually try to make it out of their room today. Finn had him feeling like he was eighteen again, when his hormones raged in his body like the heat roiling in the core of a sun. The two of them had gone through an entire bottle of lubricant already. They used a lot of it for massages, but still. They should really get out of the room and do other stuff, Poe’s mind insisted even as his body disagreed. The pilot really did want them to experience other things together as a couple, to be out in the world, go on dates, collect some other memories of being together. It would be hard to get up from the warm weight that was Finn lying next to him, though. Poe looked him over one more time, smiling, but managed to force his entire body up and out of bed.

“Alright, Finn, we have to leave the room today,” Poe declared. “Force knows I’m having a fucking fantastic time, but this is not all there is to relationships.” The pilot almost sounded like he was lecturing Finn. Finn  felt a smile tugging on his lips.

Poe had his back to him, and he was going through his trunk to put on some clothes. “When I was a kid, my dad told me, son, when you find someone to care about, someone so good to you that you don’t know what you did to deserve it, you need to make sure you treat them right. Dress yourself up, take them to nice places, treat them good right back.”

 Poe pulled out a starched shirt similar to the one he wore under his uniform. “So that’s what I’m gonna do, Finn, take you out, show you a good time, take you to a nice dinner.” The pilot started to button his shirt up and turned around, grinning. “We came this far, we can’t stay holed up in here!” His grin slackened a little when he saw Finn lying on the bed.

Finn sat up a little, still smiling. The sheets slipped down a little when he moved, resting lightly on his hip. He shrugged at Poe. “It’s not so bad being holed up,” he quirked.

“Yeah, but now I want to take you out somewhere, show you off.” Poe’s gaze went from Finn’s eyes, then, reluctantly, like he was fighting himself, down to where the sheets had slipped off of him. He put his hands on his head and locked his fingers together to keep himself from reaching out. He took a deep breath and bit his lip as his eyes roamed over the map of muscles laying in front of him, but he managed to snap his gaze back up to look Finn in the eyes.

Finn had never seen Poe like this, so unsure, like he was fumbling around in the dark. The way he was acting along with his little story about his dad made Finn realize that the pilot had never actually been with anybody like this. Poe had probably slept with lots of people since the guy was definitely experienced with sex, but this was his first “relationship” as he called it. The thought had Finn smiling from the inside out, and the pilot smiled when he did. It was an effect they had on each other, one of them smiling always set off the other one.

“I even bought you some new clothes,” Poe said, gesturing with his head to his pack. “You should put ‘em on.” The pilot didn’t really sound like he wanted Finn to put them on. Finn laughed. Poe was so sweet, buying him clothes.

“Are you sure they’ll fit? How’d you know what size to get?”

“I’ve gotten pretty familiar with your, um, size…” The pilot’s eyes trailed down his body again.

“You know, that all sounds really, fun, but I think I want to stay in a little longer.” Finn patted the bed.

“But, I want to you treat you really nicely. Like I’m supposed to. Out there.” The pilot gestured with his head again.

“I think you’ve been treating me pretty nicely in here,” Finn chuckled. Poe was being so cute. “We can go out to dinner later. I promise. I won’t stop you from taking me to dinner.” He reached out to the pilot, who still had his hands on his head.

“I just really like having this time with you,” Finn murmured. He meant it. It was so different than when they’d been together on the base. He felt so free. He reached out to Poe and Poe finally reached back with a growing smile on his face as he climbed back into bed.

Finn decided then to not think at all about any of his responsibilities while they were on their trip. _Just for ten days_ , he thought to himself, as he unbuttoned Poe’s shirt and lay kisses on the soft hairs and dense muscles of his chest. _This is all I want right now._

********************

Finn kept his promise and let Poe take them out to dinner later that night. He liked the clothes the pilot got him; button-down shirts, a new leather jacket, pants that weren’t Resistance-issue fatigues. Poe had grinned so wide when he put an outfit together.

“Kriffin’ hell, you’re handsome,” the pilot murmured, pulling him close and kissing him. “I’m a lucky guy.”

The restaurant Poe picked out was ridiculously nice. Lavish. _Expensive_ , Finn thought, looking over the prices. He raised his eyebrows up at Poe over the menu. Poe was looking at him already, the soft creases around his temples crinkling his eyes. He winked at Finn.

“Get whatever you want, babe,” the pilot said casually, looking back down at his choices.

Finn chuckled to himself. Poe was being _really_ cute. He was probably the most attractive guy in there, Finn thought as he looked around at all the people glancing towards them to get a glimpse of him and the pilot.

But despite Poe’s good looks and assured demeanor, he seemed a little out of place in the restaurant, bouncing his leg a little too much in such a refined setting, smiling a little too widely at Finn in a room full of people with such neutral expressions. When they brought the food out, the waiters placed several pairs of utensils in front of each of them and Poe looked down at them, laughing a little.

“Ah, these again,” he joked to Finn. “What spoon goes with what food, now?”

But Finn had been subtly watching the people around them, trying to get a good feel for the place and trying to blend in himself. He’d actually figured the utensils thing out. He reached over and tapped at Poe’s spoons and forks.

“That’s for the stuff we share, that’s for the salad, that’s for the main course, that’s for dessert if we’re getting any. This knife is for meat, this one’s for everything else.” He snickered a little at Poe’s furrowed brow.

The pilot looked up with a grin. “You’re amazing, you know that?” He put his hand over the one Finn had reached out with and caressed it a little. Finn blushed and tried to direct his grin to his plate.

The food was amazing. Finn couldn’t believe that food could even taste this good _._ And he was eating it with the best pilot of the Resistance, the most handsome guy he had really ever seen.  Finn was feeling a little dizzy from all of it, especially with the wine they were drinking, but his easy conversation with Poe kept him grounded even while his heart fluttered at some of the things Poe said to him.

“I think everyone in here’s trying to check you out,” the pilot murmured at Finn, while feeding him a forkful of whatever it was he had ordered. “Probably has to do with being the best looking guy in this room,” the pilot grinned. Finn tried not to blush. Everyone in the room really did keep glancing over at both of them.

After dinner, Poe insisted they not head back to the hotel yet. “Not that I’m not looking forward to it,” he said as he walked in the opposite direction of their room. Finn followed after him. The night air was clear and crisp, and the glow from the buildings and strings of lights arching over the walkway illuminated them both in soft yellow hues. They were smiling to themselves, about each other, about the whole evening.

They’d never done this together before, any of this, sleeping and waking together, eating in a restaurant together, walking around aimlessly in a city together, but already it felt so natural. Although, Finn’s heart thumped hard and loud in his chest every time he glanced over at Poe, like it used to when they’d first gotten together. Those first few weeks of their relationship had felt like a long, drawn-out spell of anxiety to Finn. He could barely sleep, he could barely eat, but somehow it still felt good. His thoughts were always full of Poe, the looks the pilot would give him, his smile, his eyes, the things his hands could do. His mind eased up a little as their relationship progressed, but all the new experiences they were having together had him reverting back to that state. He felt it now, his heart leaping out of his chest as he looked over the pilot walking next to him.

Poe was wearing a collared shirt, pants that fit him perfectly, and a navy blue jacket that managed to not hide how fit he was. His hair was combed back, and his jaw had more stubble on it than Finn had ever seen on him. He looked different, a little older than he usually did clean-shaven. Poe’s dark eyes scrunched when he caught Finn looking at him. Finn's heart only hammered harder.

The pilot nodded towards the plaza bustling with life at the end of the walkway. “Night markets, I think. Should we go?”

Finn grinned and nodded. He was enjoying himself, enjoying being out in the open air with Poe. _With my date,_ he mused.

Poe had been walking with his usual easy gait, both hands in his pants pockets, when he slowly reached out with one and held Finn’s hand as they walked along. Finn looked down, a little surprised.

The pilot brought Finn’s hand up to kiss it, his eyes flickering from the lamplights. Finn felt his heart squeeze a little. When Poe brought their hands down, he kept them clasped together, their fingers interlocked.

Finn felt the contact between them like an electric current, especially when the pilot rubbed a thumb over his. It was making him a little lightheaded. Poe had touched his hand before, plenty of times, but he only held it like this when they were alone together, and only ever when they had their arms wound around each other. It seemed like such an intimate act to Finn for that reason.

It seemed so easy for Poe, such a simple thing to hold his hand and keep it held, their hands swinging gently as they walked around. He hoped the pilot couldn’t feel his pulse quickening through his wrist. Finn felt a little ridiculous, being so giddy. He leaned into the back of Poe’s shoulder for a second to calm himself. Poe turned to kiss his nose and Finn pressed his smile into the pilot’s jacket.

Despite his lightheadedness, the press of their palms together helped Finn feel a little less overwhelmed at all the sights and sounds filling his senses. It reminded him of how he’d felt at Maz’s outpost with Rey. People and beings and creatures crowded together with music and noise and everyone talking at once, only this place was even bigger, a plaza split into alleyways that wound around to other plazas. Poe was his anchor in the chaos; he and the pilot pulled each other along as they made their way around all the bazaars and peddlers, only letting go if they needed both hands for a task, with Poe always sliding his fingers back into Finn’s when they were free.

Near the end of the night, after they’d let go again to look through some books, Finn was the one to slide his hand back into Poe’s and lace their fingers together. He saw a smile quirk on the pilot’s mouth. Poe turned his head to look away, to hide the grin bursting out of him, but Finn saw it and he grinned to himself, too, realizing that he wasn’t the only one feeling so affected by the touch.

 

 

Their lovemaking that night was slow, sweet, passionate. They couldn’t seem to let go of each other’s hands, always keeping a pair linked together even while they switched positions, even while there was so much else they could be using their hands for.

Poe was between Finn’s legs and pulling his cock out and into Finn, deep and slow, over and over again as they looked into each other's eyes, kissed each other. The pilot sweet-talked him when his mouth wasn't busy. _Damn baby, l_ _ook at you, you're so strong, so beautiful, I can't get enough of you_. It had Finn grinding desperately against him.

Poe had one of Finn’s hand pinned over his head on the mattress, against the soft sheets. The pilot reached down and clasped his other hand and pinned that one over his head, too, their fingers lacing together. The touch was electric, and their palms felt so sensitive. Poe starting fucking him a little harder.

Finn moaned. Fuck, it felt good to let the pilot take care of him. He didn’t have to do a thing except draw his knees up so Poe could thrust into him deeper. He couldn’t even do anything else with his arms pinned like this. He could feel how much force Poe was using to hold his hands down; the pilot was pressing the entire length of his arms against him. 

He could tell how hard the pilot was working to stay in control, keep his rhythm even, build that steady pressure that would make Finn come long and hard. Finn’s own cock was lubed and pulsing under the slick friction between their stomachs as the pilot thrust back and forth. Finn moaned again and kept moaning; he didn’t care who could hear him. The sexual tension that had built up between them over their date was spilling out of them now and Finn couldn’t stop himself, not with Poe holding his hands and looking at him like that, murmuring _fuckin’ gorgeous_ while he fucked into him, so hard and so, so deep, every thrust seating Finn to the absolute hilt of his cock. He was moaning and panting and he couldn’t stop he couldn’t-

 _Poe, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna-unnh unnnhhh,_ his body lurched upwards against the pilot’s, but the grip pinning him down only tightened and it made Finn come harder, fluid streaming out of his cock every time his body pulsed. Poe groaned when he felt Finn’s entrance tightening against his cock. The sensation of it and watching Finn come under his grip pushed the pilot to the edge. The pressure in him crested up and over and he spent himself inside of Finn, his body tensing and releasing as he came. They lay like that for a while, hands laced together over Finn’s head, kissing each other. When they fell asleep they still didn’t let go.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More character development tucked into really cute scenes! Yay!

Finn woke slowly, his mind hazily drifting in and out of sleep. He felt the sheets around him, and felt the warmth radiating from Poe next to him. Finn reached out, eyes still shut, and turned to breathe the pilot in. He smelled like a mix of the incense and herbs from the markets they'd woven through last night, sharp and heady. Finn smiled to himself as he remembered their little date. Poe looked so different here than he did on the base and Finn had realized he looked so different, too, when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. They fit together like they always did, though.

With his eyes still shut, Finn followed the lines of Poe’s limbs and muscles, routes he knew well, and tucked his head into the familiar crook of the pilot’s shoulder. Poe hummed softly at his touch. He turned his head to give Finn a sleepy kiss on his forehead.

Finn’s brow furrowed at the strange scratchiness of it and he looked up, bleary-eyed, at the pilot. What he saw made him laugh out loud. The stubble that had been on Poe’s jaw the night before had grown and now nearly half of the pilot’s face was covered by facial hair that matched the thick texture of his curls. He propped himself up to get a better look.

“What is happening here?” Finn mused, his voice a low rumble as he ran his fingertips over the scruff. The pilot smiled at the sound of it, scrunching up his beard. Poe’s facial hair growth had Finn questioning how long they’d actually been asleep for and he checked his watch and saw it had only been their normal six-ish hours. 

“Poe, what _is_ this?” Finn asked, still highly amused. He scratched softly at the beard.

Poe reached up and felt it, too. “Oh, yeah,” he murmured sleepily. “The facial hair gets a little wild after the third night I don’t shave.” He opened his eyes and blinked at Finn with a sleepy smile. “I can shave it off if you want.”

The beard only made Poe’s smile more charming, though. “No, I like it,” Finn murmured. He scratched at the beard again and quirked his head to look at the pilot from a different angle. “You look so different.”

“Still me,” Poe mused. He hummed when Finn bent down to kiss along his jaw.

“Tickles,” Finn laughed.

Poe didn’t understand how Finn could be as charming as he was. He was completely irresistible and the pilot pulled him close and kissed him back. They lay laughing and looking at each other, like there was a joke only they knew about.

Finn traced his fingers along Poe’s face, over what was familiar and unfamiliar. He’d been overwhelmed the night before at the activity of the plazas they’d walked through. He felt the same overwhelming feeling now, but stronger, like waves coming up and over him as he took his breaths. He didn’t want to dampen the moment between him and Poe, but he could feel his breath hitching and his eyes stinging.

“Finn?” Poe caressed his face. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just, it’s so much to take in, all of this,” Finn murmured. “Everything feels so different here.”

Poe nodded, eyes still creased with worry. “Yeah, it does.”

Finn smiled to soothe the pilot and blinked back the tears welling in his eyes. They eased up, thankfully. “I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. So many years as a Stormtrooper, getting my brain reset every few months,” he sighed.

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” Poe pulled him a little closer.

 “I wish I had stories to tell you, like the stories you tell me, about growing up,” Finn was almost whispering. “I didn’t have a tree to climb as a kid. I didn’t have parents. All I’ve ever had was the First Order.” And the pilot never asked about them. They wouldn’t be pleasant to talk about, anyway. Poe’s stories were full of sunlight and love and family. Finn’s memories were full of commanding officers peering at him through their darkened visors and the steel walls of the First Order bases.

Poe pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry Finn,” Poe repeated, planting kisses against his temples.  “You’ve got so many stories now, though, and I love hearing them,” the pilot reminded him gently. “About the stuff you did with Jess and Snap, with the evac families. You were amazing with them, you know. Those kids loved you.” Finn nodded in his arms.

They had seven days of their trip left. Poe resolved to pack them all with new experiences for Finn. “I’m gonna show you a really good time, Finn. You’re gonna have so many stories to take back to base with you.”

Finn snickered under his arms. “A good time, huh? Are the stories gonna be appropriate ones?” he teased.

“Yeah, I’m capable of that!” Poe cried indignantly. “We’re going to keep out of this room and stay out there in the world for as long as we possibly can.”

“Mmm, I don’t know how long I’ll last.”  

“Well, you’re gonna have to try,” the pilot quirked.

“Maybe I don’t need stories to tell other people. I’ve changed my mind.”  Poe felt Finn’s entire body go slack in his arms, like he had no intention of ever getting up from the bed again.

That ridiculous charm of Finn’s was in full swing again, and it had Poe’s insides tying up in knots like it always did.

“Well change it back!” Poe laughed. “We’re spending a whole day out today, and the next day and the next,” he continued as Finn groaned in his arms.

Finn looked up at him, grinning. “Why do you have to be so thoughtful and nice?”

“You bring it out of me, babe,” Poe said sincerely.

 

In his eagerness to show Finn everything he might have missed out on, Poe tried to pack in a few too many activities that day and took Finn to several crowded festivals celebrating the planet’s solstice, one right after the other. After the fourth place they went to crammed full of people and sights and sounds and smells, Poe felt Finn’s hand pulling against him as he tried to weave them through the crowd. He looked back and saw Finn hyperventilating. They had to step into a secluded alley so he could take some breaths to calm himself.

“Sorry, sorry, Finn,” the pilot murmured apologetically, both arms wrapped around him.  

Finn shook his head as he tried to slow his heart rate down to normal. He didn’t want the pilot to feel bad about it, he really was enjoying himself. “It’s nothing, I’m having a really good time,” he managed to say between breaths. “It’s just a lot at once. I’m fine.”

After he calmed down, they went to less crowded places, a few alleyways that had only local people singing on their stoops and children playing games with tin cans, a bookstore they found tucked in the edge of a quiet street, a restaurant with a balcony that overlooked the city’s old transport runway. The concrete was teeming with tall grass and wildflowers that swayed in the breeze. Finn loved all of it and tried to tuck the memories of them all carefully in his mind.

After dinner, Finn managed to convince Poe to go back to their hotel.  “To do some stargazing,” he said.

Poe was suspicious, though. He’d meant it when he said he wanted them to stay out for as long as they possibly could. He wanted their time on the planet together to be well spent. But Finn insisted and Poe couldn’t resist him.

The view from the balcony of their room was beautiful. Their hotel was the tallest building around and they were on the fifteenth floor. They could see out to the plaza they’d ventured through the night before and earlier that day, its crowded bustle just a blur of hazy, bright colors from the distance. The lights from the other buildings blinked below them. They couldn’t see much of the stars, though, and Finn seemed really set on stargazing.

“We could see the stars from the roof,” he quipped.

“I didn’t see any roof access in the elevator,” Poe said apologetically.

Finn looked up at the sides of the building. They were only three floors below the top of the building and a service ladder lay against the brick a few yards away. He grinned at Poe. “We could always just climb up there.”

They put their war-wrought muscles to work, scaling the wide brick of the building to the ladder like mischievous children, with Finn leading and Poe following.

“Nice ass!” he called up to Finn.

“We’re gonna get caught if you don’t hush,” Finn laughed softly. His mind wandered as he pulled himself up onto the ledge of the roof.

_FN2187 doing drills with other Stormtroopers. They were pulling themselves up a wall with rope. Just practice._

Finn shut his eyes and shook his head. He really, really didn’t want to think about that now. He felt his heart start to pound, and his breathing shorten. But when he opened his eyes again, the view gave him back his breath; above him lay the expansive black of the night sky, and the sight of it and the feel of it calmed him like a blanket smothering a fire. When he stooped to grasp Poe’s hand and pull him up, he had a wide grin on his face.

“Wow,” Poe breathed. “Good call climbing up here, Finn. This is incredible.” Looking up at the sky made Poe feel like the world had both collapsed and expanded at the same time; the crowds and sounds of the city seemed to disappear and it was just him and Finn together, looking up at the infinite black of space, at the bright stars sustaining life on worlds that lay lightyears away.

Poe realized he didn’t know any of their names. He only knew enough about the system they were in to navigate it; he didn’t know any stories about the stars here, or the constellations they made. He drummed his fingers against his leg and frowned to himself. He saw Finn grinning out of the corner of his eye.

“What?” Poe asked, grinning back.

“You don’t know the names of these stars, do you?” Finn asked, almost triumphantly.

“No, I don’t,” Poe laughed.  The look Finn was giving him was so cute, so irresistible. Poe wrapped his arms around him. Finn was so warm and it seeped into the pilot’s own skin, warming him from the outside in.

“Well!” Finn shifted to compact himself into the pilot’s arms, “it just so happens that your boyfriend did some reading during our ride here. We’re in the Chommel sector, in the Kana system.”

“Right, I knew that already.”

Finn pointed up at three of the brightest stars in the sky and named them: Onka, Verti, Messik. “Did you know that? And that they make up the spine of a cloud snake constellation?”  He was so obviously bragging.

“No I didn’t,” Poe shook his head and laughed again, he couldn’t help it. “You are incredible,” he breathed. He felt like he was always telling Finn that. He meant it every time he said it.

They sat down and Finn pulled Poe between his legs, supporting the pilot’s back with his own torso. Finn continued telling him about the constellations he’d only just learned about, pointing to the stars in the sky, tracing the shapes they made, and telling the pilot the stories he’d read about them.

Poe looked out to the stars every time Finn pointed, tried his best to remember the names he was being given, but it was hard to look away from Finn’s smile. He was mesmerized by the way Finn’s mouth moved, the way his eyes shone like they had that night so many months ago when they went stargazing on the hangar. It had been green and gold from the runway lights illuminating Finn then, and now it was just gold from the lamplights, burnishing his skin like bronze.

 

The pilot had been the one to point at the stars back then. Each time he did, he’d had to fight the muscles in his own arm from drifting over Finn’s shoulders instead of back down over his own knees. _You missed him so much, touch him,_ his body pleaded with him. But Poe put his arm down to his own side every time. Finn had been the one to touch him, knead the work and wear of his two week mission out of his muscles. He’d kissed Finn’s hand after, he’d wanted Finn to know how he felt, but Finn  pulled away and Poe’s mind said _leave it, leave it,_ but he couldn’t. Finn brought his hands up and rubbed his eyes and kept them there and Poe had wanted to get up and pull them away, wanted Finn to look at him again with those deep, dark eyes of his.

And Finn finally did and Poe couldn’t help himself then. He should’ve stayed on the hangar after, but Finn brushing his kiss away had been a kick to his chest; Poe had had no wind left to think and all he’d wanted to do was be alone again, to be alone and make himself understand that in the path he’d chosen, _the best goddamn pilot of the Resistance_ , alone was all he could ever be. He’d been wrong, though, and he should have stayed with Finn that night.

 

Now he could do it over. But Finn had worked so hard to learn the names of the stars, so Poe waited, as patiently as he could. He leaned into Finn, and followed the direction of his arm to where he was pointing high up in the night sky. Finn’s other arm lay over his shoulder, the heat and muscle of it blanketing him against the cold. Poe did his best to not interrupt, did his best to hold off on the kiss. Even when Finn’s soft breath against his ear made him shiver, even when he saw Finn lick those supple lips of his just inches away from his own mouth, he waited.

Finn’s knowledge finally faltered. He pointed at a cluster of stars, then started snapping his fingers while still pointing, trying to recall what he’d read _. “_ I know this one, it rhymes with Meeria, the star cluster to the left.” He had his eyes shut to concentrate. When he finally remembered, he opened his eyes and saw the pilot looking at him so intensely that he forgot again.

Poe felt the soft black of Finn’s eyes pulling him in like gravity. The press of their lips together had the pilot’s heart racing.

“I was wondering when you were gonna kiss me,” Finn murmured into his mouth.

“I was being patient,” Poe whispered. He was feeling a little out of breath. “You learned so many stars for me.”

“I still know a few more I haven’t gotten to,” Finn smiled, pulling away a little.

“I’m not that patient,” Poe rasped. He leaned in further, slid his tongue out to lick at Finn’s lips, and felt him hum. Poe licked against the wet muscle of Finn’s tongue and got a moan and a sigh. He smiled. He would never tire of drawing these sounds out of Finn. This was how it should’ve been that first night. _Perfect,_ Poe thought.

He couldn’t believe he had this in his life, someone who knew him so well, someone he could really talk to, someone he could hold and touch and who held and touched him back. Thinking about all the ways Finn took care of him filled him with a contentment he hadn’t felt since he’d been a kid on Yavin 4 with nothing to do but climb his tree and fly his A-wing all day, without a care in the world. Poe smiled away as he kissed Finn, he couldn’t help it.

His smile turned into a sputter when he felt a hand drift down to his inner thigh, kneading the flesh gently there. His eyes fluttered and he exhaled into Finn’s mouth as he felt his cock hardening.

Finn grinned at him, sweet and mischievous all at once. “You showed me such a good time today, giving me all these new memories to talk about,” he murmured innocently. “But I want some that I can’t share with other people.”

Finn licked at Poe’s lips and tugged them gently with his teeth. The one hand rubbing Poe’s thigh became two hands rubbing both thighs. A soft moan spilled out of Poe’s mouth.

“Where did all this come from?” The pilot wondered aloud. “I thought we’d be kissing under the stars all night, not-” He almost choked as Finn palmed his hardening cock.

“You bring it out of me, babe,” Finn rasped, repeating the words the pilot had said to him earlier. "Especially with this beard you've got going. Kriffin' hell, it looks good on you," he mused. He was flirting, but he really meant it, he felt like Poe brought out so much life and spontaneity in him. He kept going, undoing one of Poe’s shirt buttons to pull the collar down and clamp a kiss to his neck. 

The pilot moaned way louder than he’d meant to. Finn was completely unraveling him and he blinked hard to focus, to keep his mouth shut. He’d hate for Finn to be interrupted just because he couldn’t be quiet. It was hard, though. Poe bit his lip hard to suppress the groan he felt rising out of him. Finn had unbuttoned his pants and was working a hand over the fabric of the boxers underneath. Finn’s other hand was under his shirt.

Poe knew he wasn’t going to last long; the hands grasping him were so warm, so strong, and after all the nights they'd spent together, Finn knew exactly where to touch and when. The pilot inhaled sharply when Finn pulled his pulsing cock out of his boxers and started a slow rhythm, up and down, his grasp still firm. Poe laid his head back against the shoulder supporting him, baring his neck to give Finn more places to lick, suck, bite.

The pilot stared headily up at the sky as Finn made him lose all sense of place and time;he gasped and panted up at the stars, completely overwhelmed by the view above him and by Finn’s hands and mouth all around him, building that sweet, familiar pressure in his core, in his cock. Poe felt like he was burning up, hot and fast, like a star about to collapse in on itself. He came hard, moaning and shuddering in Finn’s arms, his cock pulsing hot streams of come onto the stone floor, onto Finn's hand. He gazed up at the all-encompassing darkness of the night sky as Finn held his shivering body and kept him close, and kept him so, so warm. In that moment, Poe felt like he was nothing and no one except what he was in Finn’s arms, and it felt like it was enough. It felt like it was all he needed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sigh* this was supposed to be a thousand-word chapter ToT


	21. Chapter 21

 Finn woke up first again on their fourth morning together. He looked over at Poe.

“Alright, this might have to be the last day with the beard,” he laughed. “You’re shaving tomorrow!”

 

They had breakfast and met up with Jessika and Snap.

“Finally!” Jessika ran up to them and jumped onto Finn’s back.

“Hey, watch it!” Poe said protectively.

Finn just laughed and swung her around, her legs dangling over his arms. “I’m fine!” he insisted to Poe.

They walked aimlessly around the pavilions as they made their plans for the next few days.

 “I told you they’re obsessed with you,” Poe muttered. He was to Finn’s left, holding his hand. Snap and Jess were on Finn’s right, and clamoring for his attention.

Snap had an arm around him now. “Listen, bud. We need to go drinking. I mean _really_ go out drinking, none of that weak Resistance swill. Judging by this ridiculous physique of yours, you’d probably drink me under the table. Shots on me, whoever downs the most gives up a couple hundred cred, what do you say?” Finn laughed and agreed, even while Poe shook his head disapprovingly.

“You’re gonna be a poor man by the end of this trip,” the pilot warned. “Snap can _drink_.”

A few moments later Jess had her arm wrapped around Finn’s arm, insisting they go out to dinner that night. Of course, Finn agreed to that too.

“In the meantime,” she said excitedly, “I heard about this hike up to a spot by a waterfall from the locals, we need to go!”

They all groaned collectively, but they went with her anyway, renting speeders to ride outside the city’s limits. It turned out to really be just a hike. Jessika weaved them through damp trees covered in moss on a thin path littered with creeping vines.

The waterfall fed into a river that was barely calm enough to swim in, but they were all strong enough to hold themselves up over the whirling eddies and avoid the pull of the current beneath their feet.

Poe found a vine hanging from a tree that arched halfway over the river. He swung from it, yelling like an excitable child, and crashed into the water next to Finn, who just laughed and laughed.

“You are completely wild!” he yelled to the pilot, who had surfaced with a wet flick of his hair.

“Can’t help it,” Poe whooped, “I was raised in a jungle, Finn!”

 

 ************************

 

Snap and Jessika headed back to the city before he and Finn did. They sat on the bank of the river, Finn’s head on Poe’s lap as the pilot ran his fingertips through Finn’s hair.

Finn was always gorgeous, but under the light of sunsets and sunrises he was breathtaking. His skin was flame and earth, heat and life. Poe looked down at him, feeling like he had pieces to a puzzle that he had never solved before, like something had clicked into place. He wanted to tell Finn, but wasn't sure if he should. He felt the words rising out of himself as he took a breath, and he couldn’t stop them from spilling out.

“I think-“ he breathed, “I think this is why my parents left the Resistance. Because they had this.” He ran a thumb down Finn’s cheek.

Finn smiled up at Poe. He remembered what the pilot had told him about his parents, how they’d left the fight behind to be together and to raise him. Finn felt it, knew that the overwhelming warmth he felt inside himself for Poe must have been the same thing that Shara and Kes must have felt for each other, and for their son.

The pilot continued, "“I thought I understood before, but I never saw myself leaving, couldn’t imagine what I would be without the Resistance. But with you, I think…” he trailed off.

Even with all the stories about growing up that Poe had told him, Finn had never imagined a life like that for himself. After being with Poe like this for a few days, though, maybe he could picture it a little bit, just a little, let himself want and hope, but...“Poe, you know I can’t leave Rey,” Finn said gently.

Poe nodded quickly, “I- I know, I don’t mean now and I don’t mean soon. I need to stay, too, for a long time. A long, long time. I just mean…I think I understand now. Why they chose to leave it behind, the work they’d put in, the accolades, their titles.” The pilot was looking away from him, watching the water as it crashed down the falls to the rocks below.

Sitting there in civilian clothing, his beard shadowing half his face, the water from the river dripping from his thick curls, he was nobody’s lieutenant, nobody’s hero. He was just Poe. And Finn felt the same about him as he had when he was Starfighter Pilot Dameron, _the Best Goddamn Pilot of the Resistance!_

Finn wanted to say something, but Poe spoke before he could.

“I kissed you that night, all those months ago, when all you wanted to do was look at stars. Now I’m talking about-“ he didn’t finish. “I’m always pushing you into something, aren’t I? Always pulling you into myself.”

Finn shook his head, but the pilot was still looking away. “No,” he reached up to turn the pilot’s face to his. “No, you’re not.”

Poe smiled ruefully, looking so doubtful of his words.

Finn wanted to prove it, that he wanted to be here with Poe, had wanted everything the pilot had given him.

“I love you.” Finn had never said it before. He knew the words were important and carried a weight he hadn’t understood, not really, but now he did and he said the words with conviction.

Poe smiled down at him, but he looked almost sad.

“I love you, Poe.” Finn said again. The pilot nodded and furrowed his brow, blinking hard while Finn reached up to him with both hands. “I think I loved you even before you kissed me.”

Poe laughed and kissed his palms. “Really?”

Finn nodded. “I think you’re supposed to say it back, though,” he quirked.

Poe laughed again and bent down to kiss him. “I love you.” Another kiss. “I love you.” The pilot moved to lay next to him.

Finn put his arms around Poe, held him closely, tenderly, like the pilot were an ember he didn’t want put out. They kissed each other until they were both panting. “I love you, I love you,” they kept saying, like they were running out of time.

They held each other as daylight faded.

Finn knew this moment was important, important like so many other moments he’d shared with the pilot, so many firsts that always had him feeling a little panicked, a little afraid. He didn’t feel that now, though. Dusk crept in all around them, the rushing of the river filled their ears, and all Finn felt was calm. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t wary. He was just _here,_ with the person he loved. “Someday, Poe,” he whispered to the pilot, “I could leave it all behind with you.”

Poe smiled softly at his words and caressed his face, fingers tracing lines down his cheek, his jaw. “You’re the only one I’d leave it behind for,” the pilot murmured.

 

**********************************

 

Finn woke up to the sound of someone yelling. It took him a few seconds to remember where he was, _hotel room_ , and who he was with, _Poe_. Poe had been the one to yell, Finn surmised, his mind still sleep-hazy.  The pilot jerked violently next to him and called out again, and Finn sat up, alarmed, and saw that he was still asleep.

This had happened a few times before back on the base, Poe shifting and muttering in his sleep, lines of stress etched over his face. Finn could usually ease it out of him with a touch, a hug. Poe wouldn’t even wake up, he would just calm in Finn’s arms until he was sleeping normally again.

Finn always mentioned it to him when they woke up, and he’d just apologize and not really talk about it much. “Just nightmares,” Poe had said the first time Finn had told him about it. Finn had been alarmed then, too, but Poe just waved it off. “I’ve been at this war over a decade and the worst that happens is I get bad dreams? Honestly, I consider myself lucky.”

This time was different, though. Poe was sweating, breathing hard, and his limbs tensed and thrashed. He cried out like he was in pain. Finn knew the safest thing to do was not to wake him up, to let him just come out of it on his own, otherwise the pilot might get startled and wake up swinging. All that muscle in panic mode could seriously hurt Finn.

The pilot let out another strangled cry and Finn decided he didn’t care about safe, he just wanted Poe to wake up, to stop hurting.

“Poe,” he reached out and touched him gently on the shoulder. When that did nothing, he touched the pilot’s face. His eyes finally snapped open, but his pupils were dilated, unfocused, frantic.

“Poe, it’s alright,” Finn spoke softly. The pilot turned towards his voice and shot up from the mattress, his arms flying out in powerful punches.

“Poe!” Finn moved quickly to dodge and fell out of bed. His cheek caught the edge of the pilot’s knuckles, who had moved to try and pin him and keep the punches coming. Finn pushed him off, scrambled to his feet, and managed to lock the pilot’s arms behind his head.

“Poe,” he said again, desperately. Poe was hyperventilating and pulling hard against his grip, but Finn held fast. “Please, Poe, it’s me. It’s me.” His voice shook. “Come on, babe, it’s me.” He held them like that a while, speaking soft words until he finally felt the pilot slacken in his arms.

“Finn?” Poe’s voice wavered. Finn let go and pulled him close for a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Poe was coherent now, but he sounded frantic and he was shaking. “Gods I’m sorry, Finn. Did I hurt you? Shit, shit.”

“I’m fine,” Finn rubbed the pilot’s back, trying to be reassuring even with his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. “What happened? What was that?”

Poe shook his head. “Just a bad dream.”

“About what?”

Poe curled into him. “Ren. That piece of shit.” He laughed nervously. “It’s not important, I’m fine. I used to have these nightmares a lot, but I saw the doc about it and I got better. I’m better, really. I think tonight was a fluke.”

“You don’t wanna talk about it?” He knew Poe had been tortured on his time on the Finalizer. Poe never mentioned it, though, never broached the subject with him.  

And the pilot still didn’t want to now. “Let’s just go back to sleep,” he murmured, pulling Finn to bed. His limbs were shaky and he sounded exhausted.

They lay back in the soft sheets. “I’m sorry Finn,” Poe whispered, tracing his fingers along the cheek he’d just bruised. “I’m sorry I hit you, I’m so, so sorry.”

Finn shook his head. “It was an accident. I don’t blame you.” He gave a reassuring smile and pulled Poe close, both arms wrapped around the pilot’s shoulders to ward off the small trembles still wracking his body.

“I love you,” Finn murmured, and felt Poe smile against his arms. “I love you,” Poe said back.

Finn waited for him to drift back to sleep, made sure it was deep and peaceful this time, before letting himself do the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The vaca chapters might start feeling a little indulgent now, but I do have a point with them lol! Character development! Finn and Poe seeing each other in a new light! Life without the war, but war is all they’ve known! Decisions to make, new possibilities for Finn to imagine!  
> If you’re wondering why Poe had this nightmare just now, it will be more clear in later chapters, at least I hope.  
> I would make a reading guide for my own fic but that’s just going too far lol, so keep shooting me questions if ya got ‘em! I love answering them!  
> I cut the scene with Jess and Snap down a little here, this fic is too long already! I do have this fun scene mostly written out already of all of them in a bar and Snap betting that Jess could get more numbers than Finn and so both of them put their flirting/pick-up skills to work, and some smut follows after, but it feels excessive at this point, and I was thinking of just cutting it out. Would you guys rather read it or get back to base? Idc either way. The liaison recruits will be back there, so that will be interesting. And also more Solin, really really good scenes with Solin :D


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more fun with Jess and Snap! And some smut at the end, of course ;)
> 
> (sorry i've been awol)

Snap really could drink. He was six pints in, and he didn’t seem like he was feeling anything. Finn had backed out of their drinking bet at the last second, realizing he didn’t really want to get plastered tonight. He was glad he did; he was feeling a pleasant buzz and enjoying the place Snap had picked. The place was huge, and packed with people and beings from too many sectors for Finn to count.

They sat at a bar on one of the balconies, overlooking the strobe-lit dance floor, packed full of people moving to the music that was so loud that it vibrated the balcony floor.

Poe had been worried about him at first, unsure if he would be able to enjoy himself at such a loud and packed venue. He was fine, though, especially perched at their vantage point. 

Finn looked over at the pilot. A few stray hairs had fallen into his face and his mouth was in open-mouthed laughter about something Jess had said. He was glad to see Poe feeling so at ease after that nightmare he’d had the night before. Finn was worried about him in the morning, but Poe seemed alright, and eager to get back to lighter topics, back to just enjoying each other’s company, and Finn obliged. He wasn’t really letting his own thoughts linger on his memories either. Finn reached out to stroke his hair and leaned in to kiss his temple.

Poe hummed at the kiss and grinned at him. “You’re so sweet,” he murmured. He glanced over at Jess. “He’s too sweet! I don’t know if he’ll be up to it, Pava!”

“Up to what?”

“Those two have cooked up a different bet to rope you into. Snap says Jess can get more comm numbers than you in an hour.”

Finn raised his eyebrows. “Comm numbers? Like for dates?”

“It’ll be fun!” Jess shouted over the music. “I bet they never let you flirt at the First Order-” Poe glared disapprovingly at her for that one and was about to say something but Finn shook his head. Jess continued, “and you got tied down to this old man too quick! You never got to sow any wild oats! You have to do it!”

Finn grinned. It did sound like fun, but he wasn’t sure how flirting with other eligible men would fly with Poe. “Wouldn’t that bother you?”

Poe shook his head. “I know it doesn’t mean anything, just some harmless fun. You really gonna do it?”

“Yeah, I think so! What you don’t think I can? Not gonna bet on me?”

Finn held his arms out and gestured at himself.  He knew he looked good, his broad shoulders accentuated by his jacket, his t-shirt clinging to his muscles in a way that made Poe rake his eyes continuously over him.

The pilot gave a sheepish grin and shrugged, “I think I’m gonna have to stay out of this one.”

Finn’s face fell in mock disappointment. “You don’t think I could win? Don’t you think I look good?” He rolled his shoulders a little and cocked his head at the pilot.

Poe pulled him and rasped into his ear, “you know how I think you look.” He gestured to his pilots. “But I don’t bet against Snap, on principle, not ever.”

Finn tske’d at him.

Poe nodded to Jessika, clad in a tight minidress, swaying to the music as she peered over the balcony, looking for potential targets. “Plus, Pava brought her A-game! She’s really cute, I’ve seen her work all of that in rooms just like this, it’s like magic or something. Women fall all over themselves to get with her!”

Finn’s look of mock disappointment deepened.

Snap raised his glass to Finn, “You need to do it, just to prove him wrong.”

Finn took a long drink of his pint, keeping his eyes on Poe. “You’re gonna regret it, babe,” he grinned. “I coulda made you a rich man.”

Poe laughed and watched him walk away.

 

Finn made his way to the other side of the room and ordered another drink at the bar. Finn realized he had no idea how to pick up men. Or women. Would he have to be buying drinks all night? Maybe he could just flirt a lot.

 A near-human walked past him and gave him a once-over, her bright yellow eyes locking with his before she slid a forked tongue over her lips.

He raised his eyebrows. Ok. Well. Maybe he wouldn’t have to do anything at all.

Finn was pulled (dragged, really) to the dance floor. It was packed, and he was pressed nearly shoulder to shoulder with everyone around him. Finn shuffled awkwardly on his feet before he got the hang of dancing. It was like sex, kind of. And that he was pretty good at. He pressed his body against hers, grinding to the staccato of the music.

 Ok. He could do this. When should he ask for her number? Finn’s eyes widened as his dance partner dipped to the ground and ran her hands down his shirt and lower.

“Damn!” he managed to say in her ear when she came back up. “Any chance a guy could get your number?”

She smiled, cat-like. “Sure, soldier.” She leaned into his ear and recited some numbers, still dancing to the music. Finn memorized them and grinned to himself. That was one!

 He wasn’t sure how to pull himself away now. The song stilled a little, the beat quieted, and the dance floor cleared out a little more. “I’ll have to get back to you later. I came with some friends.”

She just shrugged and started dancing with someone else, a rather buttoned-up human who seemed unsure of what to do with all the energy she was directing towards him.

Finn flirted with an especially tipsy rail-thin man clad in some official uniform that he didn’t recognize. The man was talking a little too loudly, even with the music as loud as it was. He ran his arms up and down Finn’s jacket sleeves, feeling the muscles beneath and murmured appreciations. “You’re built like a _gladiator_!” he slurred at Finn. It was easy to get a comm number out of him.

 

Finn needed a breather after the third number he collected. The floor was crowded and it was making him dizzy, so he headed back up to the balcony.

Poe watched him come up the stairs. Finn mused at the rainbow-striated cocktail in his hand. “Where’s Snap?” he asked as he shrugged off his jacket.

Poe craned his head to look around. “Somewhere around here. He’s finding his own fun. Guy’s a flirt when he finally gets tipsy. Where ya at with those comm numbers?”

Finn pulled paper slips from his pocket. “Three.”

Poe t’sked at him. “Jess is at four.”

“I’ll catch up. This is easy!” Finn glanced behind Poe. A trio of cocktails sat behind him at the bar. “Those for me?”

 “Take one if you want. People keep coming up and offering to buy me drinks. I guess I look lonely?” He handed one to Finn. “Here! I can’t drink all of ‘em.”

Finn took it and grabbed another. “For my next date,” he grinned at Poe, who clutched at his chest like his heart was breaking. Finn laughed and tried to walk back towards the dance floor, but Poe pulled him in for a kiss. His head was a little thick from the alcohol, but the pilot’s cocktail-sweet tongue pushing against his made him feel thick everywhere. His hands were full so he couldn’t reciprocate Poe’s wandering ones. The pilot’s hands roamed down his chest, his back, over his ass, like he was laying claim to all the places Finn was being touched by others that night.  He hummed when Poe pulled away with a smack of their lips.

“Maybe I could just stay here and keep my lonely guy company,” he murmured into the pilot’s ear.

Poe chuckled and pushed him gently to the stairs. “Nah, you got a bet to win and you look like you’re having fun. Plus I’ve been watching you from here and that has its own kind of thrill,” he bit his lip and leaned back against the bar. Finn shrugged good-naturedly and made his way back to the floor.

“But that ass better be coming home with me tonight!” The pilot called out to him.

Finn sipped through the straw of one of the drinks he carried and looked around for someone without a drink, or company. He felt bold, his self-esteem sky high. The alcohol was definitely helping, but it was more than that. Jessika was right, he’d never done anything like this before. He was having fun experiencing the easier side of the human experience. Flirting, drinking, having a good time with his friends. It almost didn’t feel real, like he was in one of the holovids he’d watched back at the base. The things he’d missed out on…his mood almost took a glum turn when he caught sight of a male Kiffar, alone and looking around the room, and his mind perked back up, remembering the task ahead.

The Kiffar was leaning against the bar like Poe had been. Finn walked up and leaned back against the bar next to him.

“Looking for someone?” Finn asked.

“Not really, but I think I managed to find someone anyway.”

 

He ran into Jessika while he looked for his next mark. “What number you at?” He shouted to her. She shook her head. “Not telling! I had to nearly break a guy’s finger off when he wouldn’t let me walk away from him, though. But it still counts as one!”

Finn grew worried for a moment. “Are you ok? Who was he?” Jess shook her head “I took care of him. Plus squadron leader’s watching both of us like a hawk!” She gestured up at the balcony, where Poe was leaning against a railing. He lifted his glass towards them when he caught them looking. “Pretty sure Snap went to go kick that guy’s ass.”

 

He tried to channel Poe for his next target. He did his best impression of the pilot’s saunter towards a tattooed Miralan who was swaying tipsily to the music. Finn caught his eye right away. Easy smiles, winks, then Finn leaned in close, his cheek brushing against the Miralan’s jaw. “You look like you wanna dance.” He cocked his head towards the dance floor.  He was really getting the hang of this.

Finn got his comm number halfway through the song, and made his exit afterwards, repeating his “I came with some friends” line.

 

\---------------------------

 

Finn dug into his jacket pockets and plunked the slips of paper down one by one triumphantly. “Boom!” he gestured to the pile. “Six!”

“Damn!” Poe rifled through the numbers, impressed.

“Shoulda bet on me,” Finn said playfully. “I’m in high demand.”

Jessika dug the numbers she’d gotten out of some hidden compartment in her dress. Five. She didn’t seem that disappointed, and gave Finn an excited grin. “Congrats! Now if you’ll excuse me, I was invited to an evening caf at this last one’s hotel and I need to go,” she snatched one of the numbers back and grinned cheekily. “She is a _babe_.” The young pilot swayed a little as she peered at numbers she’d written down. She waved at all of them, and turned around to walk away.

 “Keep your communicator on you,” Poe called out to her. “I’ll be comm’ing you before I sleep tonight. Make sure you answer.”

Jess gave him a sloppy salute. “Don’t worry, I’ll be up. Endurance _is_ my strong suit, Lieutenant!” Poe and Snap both groaned in unison while Finn laughed.

 

\---------------------------

 

Snap had gone off to “find his fun” as Poe had put it. It was just him and Poe sitting at the bar. Poe was especially amorous with a few drinks in him. He leaned in close to listen to Finn talk, planted soft kisses all along his neck while he did. 

“Who knew you were such a flirt, huh?” Poe grinned.

Finn laughed. “I learn from the best,” he murmured, kissing the pilot on the lips.

“Can I tell you something?” Poe looked a little sheepish.

“What?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“ _What_?”  Finn pressed.

Poe dug some slips of paper out of his jacket pocket. Comm numbers, five of them.

Finn looked down at them, incredulous. “What, you got these from just you sitting here all night? Drinking rainbow cocktails?”

Poe shrugged, “like I said, I think people thought I was lonely. You know you did leave me alone for a lot of the night.”

Finn’s face fell. He hadn’t thought about that.

“Nah, it’s fine.” Poe’s eyes crinkled. “I mean it was I say I like seeing you have fun.”

 “Well I wanna have fun with you now.” He nodded to the dance floor. “Learned a couple things tonight. Want me to show you?”

He’d been dancing with all kinds of other beings that night, but it felt way different with Poe. Dancing had never been more like sex. Poe trailed his lips up the line of Finn’s neck, his chest pressed to Finn’s back as they swayed to the music together. Finn reached behind himself to run his hand through up the pilot’s neck, through his hair. Poe reciprocated, his hands roaming down Finn’s chest to his stomach. The music was loud, so loud, and there were people pressing in all around them but all Finn could feel was Poe’s hands on him. He felt so _safe._

“I think we need to get home,” Poe said into his ear. Finn nodded, and the pilot pulled them both out of the dance floor. They went to tell Snap they were leaving, only to find him with a buxom woman on his lap, in the middle of a passionate kiss.

Poe laughed. “Snap, we’re heading out!”

Snap gave him a thumbs up, lips still locked with the stranger in his lap.

“I’ll be comm’ing you tonight too, alright?”

Snap gave him a double thumbs-up.

 

\-------------------------

 

Poe walked into their hotel room and took off his jacket, rolling away the slight ache he felt in his shoulders. The comm numbers he’d accidentally collected fell out of the jacket pocket.

Finn had always felt that Poe was ridiculously handsome, but the numbers reminded him that everyone else seemed to think so too. He didn’t have to do anything to make people want to take him home. But it was Finn who got to, every night. He grinned at the thought.

 “You’re pretty popular, huh?” He came up behind the pilot, tipsy still, his breath sweet with alcohol.

“You could say that,” Poe murmured leaning back into him

“Seems like everyone wants a piece of you.”

“Could say that, too,” Poe chuckled.

Finn kissed a trail up his neck and bit him gently. Poe groaned softly.

“I want a piece of you,” Finn breathed.

 “Yeah?”

“I want every piece of you,” Finn bit him again.  “I see you holding back, you know. Sometimes, when we’re fucking. You look like you wanna eat me alive, but you’re always so gentle.”

Poe laughed softly. “Perceptive, you.”

Finn grinned, and “Tell me what you want,” he rasped into the pilot’s ear. “Show me.”

Poe shook his head. “I don’t think so. Not tonight. Not while you’re this drunk.”

Finn turned him around. “I’m not that drunk.”

The pilot was still shaking his head.  
Finn raised his eyebrows. “You don’t believe me? I appreciate the protectiveness, but I’m not a kid. I’m pretty strong.” His mind flashed back to the way he’d had to wrestle Poe to the ground the night before. He shook his head to clear the memory. “I can say no if I want to.”

“I know, but-”

“No, no ‘buts’, you either think I can say no or you don’t.” Finn was backing him up against the wall. “I can. Want me to show you?” He gripped the pilot’s wrists and pinned them to the brick behind them.

Poe swallowed and ground up against him a little. “Alright, I believe you, but, ah, I think you could show me a little more. I wanna be sure.”

Finn growled a little and flipped him roughly so his face was pressed against the wall. He pinned a wrist behind Poe’s back and pulled his hair back a little. “I’m strong enough to do whatever I want with you.”

Poe gasped a little a wriggled under Finn’s hold, but the man kept his grip tight. “Fuck,” the pilot breathed. He was completely turned on, but Finn released him and nuzzled against his ear. “I can stop you, see? No matter how rough you get.”

A smile ticked up the corner of Poe’s mouth, still half-pressed against the wall. “Is that what you want? Me to get rough?”

Finn eased off and turned Poe to face him. “I don’t know. I think it’s what you want? I want whatever it is you’re holding back from.” The pilot hummed.

“I trust you,” Finn murmured. Poe’s expression softened at that, but Finn didn’t want soft, sweet. He wanted-he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He ground against the pilot, slow and firm like they did on the dance floor, and felt the bulge in Poe's pants that his earlier antics had incited.

It worked; Poe's breathing grew ragged, his eyelids heavy, his eyes deep craters of lust.

Finn backed off of him, arms out, a playful look on his face. “Any way you want it, babe.”

Poe watched him carefully and moved to sit at the edge of the bed. “Come here,” he motioned to Finn, who stepped between his legs. Poe lay soft kisses against Finn's stomach, pushing his shirt up and up. Finn pulled it over his head and felt his pants get unbuttoned and pushed down. Finn kicked those off, too.

Poe leaned back and hummed appreciatively at Finn’s muscles. His stare had Finn shaking a little. Poe licked his lips. “On your knees. Open that mouth.”  

Finn’s breath hitched. He obeyed, albeit slowly, clad in just his boxers.

Poe watched him. “I let you have your little fun out there, let you flirt with all those people, I let 'em touch you,” he slid a thumb into Finn’s mouth, stroking down his tongue and tracing his bottom lip. “But you're _mine_. You know that, right?” He pulled his hardening cock out of his pants and tugged at it, long, slow pulls that had Finn drooling a little.

Finn swallowed and nodded slowly.

“I wanna hear you say it,” Poe urged gently. 

“All yours,” he breathed.

“That’s right.” He eased his cock into Finn’s mouth, who bobbed up and down eagerly.

“Mmm that’s good, but I want it slower than that. Slow down, we got time” A smile tugged at the edge of Poe’s lips. “I want this to last a while. Gods, Finn you’re always working so hard. I'm gonna make you work so hard at this for me.” He brushed a thumb against Finn’s cheekbone. Finn saw a wildness flash in Poe’s eyes. He blinked, his mouth full, his heart hammering in chest.

“Just like that, Finn. That’s so good-unghh” Poe moaned as he felt Finn press his tongue against the base of his cock and lick up to the underside of the head. His tongue circled the head of Poe’s cock before going back to the base, licking along the shaft again.

“That’s right, keep using that tongue. I’m gonna be fucking into that mouth here pretty soon. ” Poe rasped, digging his fingers through Finn’s scalp and down his neck. Finn blinked up at him and felt his cock harden at Poe’s rough words. He wanted it now, not soon. He slowed, then stopped moving his head, and waited.

Poe read the hunger in Finn’s face and gave a slow, experimental thrust. Finn moaned, thrilling at the look of need and lust on Poe’s face.

The pilot growled low in his throat. “Oh, you are in trouble now.”

He pulled out of Finn’s mouth with a rough grunt and stood up. He took off his shirt and nudged Finn backwards ungently with his legs, with that same eat-you-alive look on his face that had always thrilled Finn. Finn moved back, still kneeling, until he was pressed against the wall.

“Give me your hand” Poe murmured, his voice hazy. He took the hand Finn offered and curled it into a fist. “If this gets to be too much, and you want to stop or take a break, anytime you want, do this” he rapped Finn’s knuckles against the wall behind him. “Do you understand?”

“Yeah,” Finn nodded up at him.

“You can make me stop any time, alright?”

“Yeah.”

Poe stroked Finn’s cheek, then gripped his jaw and jerked him forward roughly.

Finn gasped, surprised. He tipped his head back to look up and hit the wall behind him with a soft bump.

“Nowhere to go,” Poe mused as he ran his thumb over Finn’s lip. He loomed over Finn, propping a forearm against the wall above him. Finn had never seen Poe like this during sex, all his playfulness and gentle teasing stripped away completely.

“Open your mouth wider, Finn.” 

He obeyed. Poe’s grip tightened as he eased his length back in, moaning at the slick firmness of Finn’s tongue.

The pilot let go of his jaw and placed a hand between Finn’s head and the wall, bracing him from the hard brick. Poe ground into him a few times, stopping short of hitting the back of his throat. _More,_ Finn thought. _Please, more, I can take it._ It came out as desperate moans.  

Poe angled himself downwards slightly and pushed deeper, right up to the limit he knew Finn could take. Poe held himself there for a second, then dragged his cock out slowly while Finn took some gasping breaths. He managed to get a few in before Poe pushed back in, his cock heavy on Finn’s tongue.

Finn was completely overwhelmed. Poe was leaning over him, heaving strangled breaths, his eyes aflame, his arm flexing from the effort to keep Finn’s head steady. It was too much, and it wasn’t enough at the same time.

Finn reached down to masturbate, his own lust being too much to bear, and heard himself whimpering.  

His sounds incited a filthy moan from Poe’s mouth. “You like this, don’t you? You fucking love it.”

Finn moaned,  _Yes, more, please._

 “I like you needy.” Poe’s voice was coarse. “I like you begging for my cock.” He pushed deeper, and Finn felt a rough pressure in the back of his throat. He tried to cough.

Poe pulled out an inch and waited a second, waited for Finn to tell him to stop, but Finn kept his hand planted on the back of the pilot’s thigh, his other hand touching himself. Poe bit his lip and pushed back in, slow, but deep. Finn choked a little, his eyes welling up.

“Be good and take every inch of it for me,” Poe rasped. “Open up.”

Finn whimpered again and shifted his head and tried to open up his throat as the pilot eased in further. The pressure stung a little and his eyes welled. He alternated between swallowing and gagging at the cock pressing down his throat. _Be good,_ Poe had told him. He wanted to be good. Gods, he would give this man anything he asked for, _anything,_ Finn thought desperately. He kept touching himself, kept moaning, wanting to let Poe know how good it felt, how good he was trying to be.

The tension in Poe’s body coiled as he fucked a deep, steady rhythm into Finn’s mouth. Finn looked so good, so eager, so damn sexy, trapped against the wall by his own muscled form. Poe felt his cock pulsing, knowing he couldn’t last much longer.

“I wanna come in your mouth, Finn.” Poe rasped as he fucked into Finn’s lips “I wanna see you swallow every fucking drop.”

Finn whimpered again and took gasping breaths between thrusts. He felt a deep ache in his throat. He wasn't sure how much more he could take, but he wanted to last as long as Poe needed him, any part of him, his tongue, his mouth, his throat. _Anything for you_ , he thought desperately as he felt Poe thrust in and in and in-

Poe grabbed the base of his cock to jerk himself off and pushed deep in Finn’s mouth one more time, then pulled out just enough to see his come filling Finn’s throat.  

“Ungh, fuck,” Poe gasped. He shivered, and continued tugging his cock, the thick white fluid streaking Finn’s lips and broad tongue. “Fuck, Finn,” he repeated, as Finn licked up the last of his dripping come.

Poe’s eyes were steel, still hard and hungry, but when he spoke, his voice was gentler than it had been. “Swallow every bit for me,” he said softly, using his thumb to catch the thick fluid dripping along Finn’s cheek.

 _Anything, anything for you,_ Finn’s mind continued to thump. He turned his head, put his mouth over Poe’s thumb and sucked hard, drawing his lips tightly around the knuckles. He gave Poe’s palm a wide, slow lick. The sight and feel of it drew a frustrated groan from Poe and made his cock pulse a few more times.

“I’d do anything for you.” Finn hadn’t meant to, but he said it out loud that time. His voice sounded so small, so vulnerable.

“I know, baby, I know you would,” Poe murmured as he pulled Finn to standing. He pressed into Finn and kissed him, deep and slow, tasting the remnants of his own come. He moved down, giving Finn sweet, gentle kisses on his neck, his chest.

Finn had to lean against the wall to keep from tipping over. Poe was back to his easy self, all charming grins, and tender kisses. Finn didn’t feel quite like himself yet, but he was getting there, easing out of the place he’d been, helped along by all the gentle attention Poe was giving him.

“That was so good Finn,” Poe soothed. “You were so, so good for me.” He lay soft kisses on Finn’s jaw, his cheek, his nose.

Finn smiled at that. He always loved the compliments the pilot gave him. Finn rested his head on Poe’s shoulder as the pilot held him tight. He felt his legs shaking a little.

“Let’s get you on the bed,” Poe murmured. He moved Finn to sit on the edge of it.

Finn’s cock was still hard.

“You need some help with that?” Poe asked, chuckling, as he glanced down. Finn managed a nod.  The pilot kneeled to take Finn’s length in his mouth. He licked up and around the head a few times, then stopped when he looked up at Finn.

 “Are you alright?” He asked, a little worried.

Finn drew a shaky breath. “Yeah.” His voice was breathy, and his jaw and throat ached. “That was-that was intense,” he gasped.

Poe planted kisses on his thighs, keeping his eye contact. “Was it ok?” he asked up at Finn.

“Yeah. It was so good. It felt really good, Poe.” He stroked the pilot’s thick hair.

 “Good,” he murmured, grinning up at Finn. He went back to licking Finn’s cock, keeping Finn’s eye contact.

Finn watched Poe dipping back and forth and ran his hand through the pilot’s hair, scratching gently at his scalp.

Finn hesitated, then tightened his grip experimentally. Poe’s eyes flicked up at him, surprised. He kept moving his head, relishing the feel of the pull on his scalp.

Finn pulled gently, then with more force when Poe wouldn’t budge. He dragged Poe completely off his cock. Poe looked up at him, panting, a streak of spit and precome on his cheek, half his hair in Finn’s grip.

The pilot tried to pull forward to get back to the task at hand, but Finn kept his hold, his forearm flexing.

Poe gave a cheeky “heh” then licked his lips. “You wanna get rough, babe?”

Finn looked him over. The pilot’s eyes were hooded and heavy, his jaw slack, a roguish smile ticking up the corners of his mouth. He winked up at Finn.

Finn breathed a laugh. “Some other time,” he whispered, and loosened his grip, letting Poe get back to his task.

 ------------

“You taste _so_ good, baby,” Poe murmured, licking up the last of Finn’s come.

\-------------

“Your mouth is gonna hurt tomorrow,” Poe said as they lay together in bed. He reached up and gently massaged the muscle hinging Finn’s jaw.

“It kinda hurts now,” Finn admitted sleepily.

“Oh,” Poe clucked, sitting up. He pulled Finn’s head to his lap and massaged both sides of his jaw. He planted a kiss on the top of Finn’s head as Fin murmured appreciation.

“I was rough with you,” Poe said softly.                        

“Yeah,” Finn chuckled.

Poe laughed at Finn’s response. “Was it too much?”

“Nah.”

 “Would you ever wanna do it again?”

“Hell yeah.”

\----------------------

Finn was falling asleep when he felt Poe shift away from his arms. He murmured a little in protest and opened his bleary eyes to see what the pilot was doing. Poe had grabbed his communicator watch and was typing in numbers.

“Jess, you there?”

A few moments passed.

“Aye aye squadron leader, safe and sound.” There was muffled giggling on the other side of the link

“Alright, kid,” Poe laughed, shaking his head. “See you tomorrow.”

He called Snap after that.

Poe was so good to all of them, Finn thought, just as he fell asleep to the feeling of the pilot’s arms wrapping back around him. He was such a _good_ man.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So SO sorry I've been AWOL! I had the worst last few weeks of school, but it's over and now I have a week of spring break! Hope you liked the chapter *peace sign emojii*
> 
> I'm really going to try and plunk out 10,000 more words before my break is up. I should be releasing updates ever 2-3 days until school starts up again. I'm letting you know so you can hold me to it! Thanks for reading, you guys are seriously the best <3


	23. Chapter 23

The door of their transporter opened, kicking up the dust beneath their craft. It caught in Finn’s throat as he followed Poe down the ramp. He coughed to clear it and looked around. The planet Barkhesh was dry, hot, but not searing like Jakku had been. Trees actually grew here, their bright green branches growing jagged spines to protect the precious water beneath their bark.

Their vacation was over, but they had to make a detour before heading back to base on D’Qar. The Resistance was building outposts in various sectors of the galaxy, and since one of the new outposts was in the sector neighboring their current location, Intelligence asked Lieutenant Dameron to check on its progress and report back.

“Back to work already,” Poe had smiled ruefully at Finn.  

Finn remembered the work that lay waiting for him back at D’Qar, besides training along the other recruits. Solin, his memories, that machine. He wasn’t really dreading it, he realized. The pain wasn’t real, after all.

They brought some of their bags onto the base and got settled, and another lieutenant came by to walk the both of them around to show them how the base was progressing. The outpost was well-organized, and every recruit’s rank was on full display. Everyone under Poe’s rank saluted him as he passed, and he nodded to them, a cheerful smile on his face.

“Kinda necessary when bases are new,” Poe commented to Finn. “It’d be a little chaotic otherwise.”

Both of them walked in even strides with their hands behind their back, conscious of looking neat, of following military order.

Finn wasn’t surprised that everyone knew Lieutenant Dameron by name and face, but he was surprised at how many seemed to know who he was. They would salute their lieutenant, then see him walking next to Poe, and their mouths would fall open a little and they’d nod to him. “Finn,” some of them even addressed him. No title, though; he didn’t have a rank, after all.

The Resistance was anticipating quite a battle here, Finn realized. They were building a wall surrounding the outpost, and parts of it were already several stories high. It reminded him of the pictures of the enormous temples from Poe’s home planet. When finished, the wall would probably look like it could be there for eons.

_Row after row of Stormtroopers marching. Left, right, left, right. There were so many of them…_

Finn tensed his jaw. No, the wall would likely fall in the war. He only hoped that its loss, and the ensuing casualties, would be worth whatever victory they won at the end of it.

 

\------------------

 

On their trip from their vacation planet to the outpost, Poe couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself. His arms were constantly around Finn, holding him, holding his hand, rubbing his back. He’d been teasing, playful. Their short assignment seemed to sober him a little. He was silent as he wrote up his report, his brow furrowing in concentration. The pilot finished up and sent it off, then looked over the missives on the datapad.

“Looks like the liaison recruits are at D’Qar,” Poe murmured, not looking up. “Apparently quite a few of them got high marks from the Academy. I’m glad we won’t be dealing with too much inexperience. We can just hit the ground running, coordinate all our training.”

Finn murmured in agreement.

Poe looked up at him and grinned. “If only all our new recruits were as good as you’ve been, Finn. You’re our star rookie.”

Finn smiled at that, but he knew he wasn’t actually much of a rookie. Still, he always loved Poe’s compliments.

 

\-----------------

 

It was raining when they got back to D’Qar.

“Monsoon season,” Poe muttered. “It’s gonna be raining for weeks.”

The air was humid, thick like a blanket. The rain pelted them both as they ran their bags through the runway and under the eaves of the hangar.

Finn hadn’t known everyone on the base by name, but he’d been familiar with their faces. The liaison recruits he spotted easily; they were unfamiliar, and he unfamiliar to them. They’d seemed to have gotten used to the Resistance’s casual approach to rank, though. They only nodded to Poe, no salutes.

Finn resumed his training right away. His first evening back he spent doing combos against the gym’s punching bag.

Ten days of vacationing didn’t do much to dull his focus. He and Poe had both done plenty of training while they were out, anyway, running several miles together most mornings, doing body weight exercises in their room. A smile ticked up the side of Finn’s mouth, remembering the way Poe had insisted on watching his entire workout the first time he did it, start to finish. Finn hadn’t let the pilot’s wolfish stare or appreciative noises distract him from his exercise; he’d pushed himself as hard as he always did.

Afterwards, though- the memory made Finn laugh softly to himself. What they'd done together afterwards had been like a second workout.

He felt his muscles aching, and decided to call it a night. He was alone in the gym; everyone else had left to rest hours ago.

He walked back to his room and smiled at the drawings on his wall and at the medal hanging next to them, always the first things he saw when he walked in. _I guess this really is home now_ , he thought to himself. His shelves were full of books, most of them his own and only a few borrowed. He’d brought quite a few back from their trip. Pictures were propped against the spines, images of him and Poe, some with Jess, and Snap, all of them grinning into oblivion.  

Home was a strange concept to him, still, but all the things he’d accumulated since arriving on base tethered him to his life here in a way he’d never really felt before. He’d been shuffled through so many bases with the First Order, never any possessions except his issued gun, his clothes, his Stormtrooper armor…

He remembered that his session with Solin would start up again in a few days and he felt his chest tighten. He wasn’t afraid of the pain, not really. But after seeing what he could be with Poe, what his life could be like, just the two of them together, no war, no titles, no memories lingering in his mind, he was less than eager to look back on his life in the First Order.

But it was for Poe that he was doing this, and for Rey. It was for everyone he could keep safe, but Rey and Poe he loved something fierce, wanted to protect them as much as he could.

Finn’s thoughts were interrupted by the pilot himself, walking into his room, holding the commlink that General Organa had given Finn.

“Sure, the Falcon could maybe fly faster than the T-70, if Han were piloting, but if we’re talking handling, the finesse that takes?” Of course it was Rey on the other side.

“If _Han_ were piloting? I could be faster than-”

“Oh! Finn’s back!” Poe grinned at him. “I finished up early, and decided to visit you, but you weren’t here. Rey was calling so I picked up. I had to show her the X-wing’s  engine specs to convince her about its handling ability.” Poe turned the commlink to face him.

“Did you forget our little agreement about chatting at 20:00 your time?” Rey smirked.

Finn’s mouth fell open. He had. “Sorry, Rey, I was training, I completely lost track.” He smiled apologetically. The three of them sat on his bed, talking about their trip, Rey’s training. She’d be leaving on her own trip with Master Skywalker, she informed them.

“I missed talking to you, Finn. I’m glad you had a good trip. You deserved it.”

Poe cleared his throat and Rey rolled her eyes. “Sure, I missed you, too, I guess. Why are you so starved for attention? Aren’t you adored there or something? ‘Best Pilot in the Resistance.’” She punctuated her last statement with air quotes.

 _Home,_ Finn smiled.

 

\---------------------

 

His room felt like home, but the rest of the base felt like it was full of strangers. It was, in reality. Most of the Resistance recruits knew him by name, but now one in four recruits were part of the liaison troops. They were part of the Resistance, too, but they reminded Finn of the New Republic, of the interrogation he’d been put through, of Solin, who’s sessions would start up again in a few days.

One of the liaison recruits, a tall, dark-haired soldier, cocked his head when he heard another recruit call Finn by his name.

“Finn?” He asked, looking Finn up and down. “Finn from the First Order? You’re the Stormtrooper?”

Finn felt his mouth go dry. “I guess I am,” he said, his voice even. “Ex-Stormtrooper, though.”

“Well, obviously, I mean, I _hope_ so, if you’re here,” the recruit laughed. “I thought you were just a rumor milling around all of us New Republic recruits. Oh gods, I’ve gotta tell everyone! The Resistance really has someone from the First Order just hanging out on their base.”

The Resistance recruit next to Finn glowered at him. “Finn doesn’t hang out, you liaison grunt. He saved the base and everyone-”

Finn put a hand on the recruit’s shoulder. “It’s alright. No harm done.” He didn’t want an altercation.

The liaison recruit put his hands up in defense. “Whoa, sorry. Didn’t know it was a touchy subject.” He went back to his task, muttering, “I just think it’s funny is all.”

 

\--------------------

 

Finn walked into the brightly lit room, more familiar to him than he’d care to admit. The modified brain scanner hummed in the corner, and a lab-coat clad Solin hummed an artless tune next to it. He turned when he heard the door open.

“You look well, Finn!” The doctor smiled and walked up to him to clap him on the back. Finn winced and twitched.

“Scar,” he murmured.

The doctor’s face fell. “Of course! I’m so sorry, I forgot.”

“It’s alright, it only hurts after I spar a long time.” He’d done two hours with Poe. He was nervous to be back in Solin’s room, back in the machine.

Poe had sensed it. He was itching to tell Finn he didn’t have to do it, Finn could tell.

Finn found the room strangely comforting, though. It had been raining all week and the air all around the base was damp, heavy, and seemed to carry the tang of steel. And the arrival of liaison recruits made Finn feel crowded. Ever since he'd told one of them that he was the ex-Stormtrooper, he felt every liaison recruit’s eyes lingering on him, during drills, while he sparred, while he pulled a shift at the medbay. Whether it was from suspicion or curiosity, he wasn’t sure, but it made him uneasy.

 Solin’s office in comparison was bright, roomy, as sterile as the machine it housed. Finn took a deep breath and shifted to ease the twitching from his scar.

The doctor frowned worriedly. “Do you need some kind of ice pack for your scar? Some painkillers maybe? It wouldn’t be good for the session if you’re already feeling pain now.”

Finn shook his head. “I’m fine.”

Solin seemed happy to see him. He poured him a cup of tea and asked about his trip.

“It was good. I got to spend a lot of time with Poe.”

“That’s good!” Solin sounded genuinely happy for him, but the tone of his words never reached up to his eyes. It had chilled Finn the first time the doctor had looked at him, but he realized he’d gotten used to the doctor’s strange gaze.

He sipped his tea, feeling like he might actually relax, like he could actually breathe properly in here. 

He bit into a biscuit as he watched Solin putter around the room, gathering his datapad and calibrating the machine. Finn was strangely glad to see the doctor again. Solin was never pushy, never condescending, and Finn appreciated that the doctor never lied to him. “You’re not how I expected you to be, Solin. You’re-” kind? That word didn’t seem quite right, but Finn couldn’t think of anything else.

“Kind?” The doctor laughed. “Finn, _you_ are kind for saying that. I know what they say about me, here on the base and everywhere else I go. ‘Solin Varr, brilliant doctor, dedicated scientist, invaluable resource for the New Republic! With the eyes of a dead man staring out at you.’” The doctor widened his eyes in emphasis.

Finn had thought the same thing. He felt sorry about it now.

The doctor shrugged. “It’s all true, I’ve been quite dedicated to mining out everything I could from my own brain about my time as a prisoner, and the memories I’ve managed to bring out of myself and other people have helped win quite a few important victories.” He sounded proud of himself. “Even the part about my eyes are true, although they mean it differently.” Solin tapped his eyelid with a pen. “Both eyes are transplants!”

The doctor actually had the eyes of a dead man. Finn had been around Solin enough to not be unnerved by the somewhat grim tidbit of information.

“What happened to yours?”

“Oh, I, ah, got rid of them.”

Finn paused, confused. “How? _Why_?” He wondered if Solin had done it just to figure out some new medical discovery. It seemed likely.

The doctor sighed at him like he was disciplining a child. He obviously didn’t approve of Finn asking him about it. _Be careful what you ask me._ He answered anyway. He always did.

“I got rid of them while I was a prisoner. I couldn’t handle what I was seeing every day. But my captors put me under and replaced ‘em. They needed me to be able to see, to do my work, you know.”

Thinking about Solin being so impassioned that he’d damage his own eyes startled Finn. The doctor had been a prisoner of war, he’d told Finn that several times now, but Finn had always imagined that his personality was the same before his imprisonment. Enthusiastic, but distant. Detached. The realization that the doctor may have been a very different man shook him a little. Why had Finn always pictured him as so willing to be there? Solin hadn’t been willing, not at all. Whose eyes were those, staring out of him now? Who had they been culled from? “I thought you’d said you moved up in the ranks with them.”

“I decided to do that after the little surgery they gave me. It didn’t seem right to waste the, ah, resource.” The doctor had gone back to working on the machine. “It was quite the procedure, whole eye transplants! A surgical feat, really. The other side’s got some medical advances over us, but I brought this one over when I escaped. We only had corneal transplants before I came back.” He sounded proud of himself again. He straightened from his work and looked at Finn.

“Mine, the original ones, looked like yours. Black as earth,” the doctor mused. He smiled a little, like he was enjoying looking at Finn’s eyes, like he was remembering something pleasant.

Finn wondered if the memory hurt him. He asked.

Solin frowned thoughtfully. “No, it doesn’t hurt. I have these ones now, and I try to put them to good use.”

 

\--------------------

Finn felt the straps of the brain scanner pressing against his wrists, his arms, his ankles. There seemed to be a weight pressing against his chest, too, but he knew there was none. He took a deep breath.

_Cadet FN-2187, top of his class at Starkiller, top marks in combat and drills._

_One of the best we’ve seen in a while._

_FN-2187 is in full armor, blaster in hand, and he’s running through a simulation on Starkiller. The enemies outnumber his troop, their flag’s insignia flying proudly to intimidate them, a blue flame framed by stars . 87 was not intimidated. He repeated the First Order maxims to himself:_ remove disorder, remove anarchy, restore stability. _It always focused his mind. He raised his blaster over the bulwark; one, two, three. Perfect hits._

 

_Did you hear? 2187 tried to save him again during the simulation, that fuck-up 2003. They call him Slip._

_Why won’t 87 just leave him to die? He deserves it._

_FN-2187, top cadet on Starkiller, consistently getting the highest kill rate during simulations. Why’s he keep saving that fuck-up?_

_\--------------------_

 

Finn sat with Solin doing their usual data-mapping. He had known someone named Slip, FN-2003. The memory of Slip only seemed to grow as he sat there recounting the memories he'd recovered, but the doctor was more interested in the simulation he'd been in, how many had been in his troop, the type of training they were doing, what kinds of weapons they had.

When they finished, Solin looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you, Finn. You work very hard for the Resistance.They're quite lucky to have you."

Finn found the doctor's gaze chilling again, but not out of suspicion, or fear, like before. "You work very hard as well, Solin," he said sincerely. "We're lucky to have you back." _T_ _wo years is a long time to be prisoner,_  Poe had said. The doctor had been working hard for many, many years, Finn realized. He suddenly saw just how deep the lines of age were etched into Solin's face and couldn't help but wonder how much pain lay hidden beneath the doctor's enthusiastic exterior.

If Solin saw the worry on Finn's face, he didn't show it. He only smiled wider at Finn's compliment, scrunching up the ice-blue eyes that could never match his expression.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the structure of my chapters have become kind of erratic (time skips galore!), but I hope you are enjoying the story anyway.
> 
> Things are happening!!! Whaddaya think of the doctor now?


	24. Chapter 24

He had been close to FN-2003, as close as they could be under near-constant surveillance. They’d eaten meals together, did sanitation details together. Everyone called FN-2003 “Slip.” They called him “Eight-Seven.”

_Eight-Seven and Slip mopping up the arena, laughing about the way Captain Phasma’s cape got caught under Nines’ feet during their demonstration. Elbowing each other under the tables at lunch when they noticed she’d shortened it a few inches._

_“Where did you come from?” He’d asked Slip once, when they were alone on Sanitation detail. “I don’t remember. You?” “I don’t remember.” The conversation was short, but it was the most meaningful one that Eight-Seven ever had in his eighteen years._

_“You could make Captain someday, Eight-Seven,” Phasma said. But he’d have to stop saving Slip._

_Leave the weak, move forward with the strongest. Progress._

His memories expanding as he went about his day didn’t make him hallucinate like they used to. They were there, though, always reminding him of just how long he’d been with the First Order.

 

_\---------------------_

Poe and Finn sat together in the mess hall, elbowing each other playfully as they made attempts at the pastries sitting on the other person’s tray. He’d done this with Slip, Finn remembered. They’d been way more subtle when they goofed off and there were never any pastries involved, but it had felt like this, _giddy_.

The pilot took advantage of his sudden pause and reached over to take a forkful of the flaky crust.

Finn chuckled and went back to eating his meal. He wondered if he should tell Poe about Slip, but he felt a strange anxiety at the prospect of telling the pilot that he’d had a Stormtrooper friend once.

He told Rey about Slip. “You were my first real friend, though. I could barely be friends with Slip with the way we were constantly monitored. Any sign of caring about each other got you shipped out.”

Rey was sympathetic. She hadn’t really known much about friendship, or any kind of human relationship, before Finn had come along.

“You should tell Poe about him,” she murmured. “You said he loves you. He’ll understand. I think he’d want to know.”

Finn had decided not to. “I can’t. You don’t understand, Rey. Poe’s been in the Resistance for years, he’s fought against Stormtroopers for _years_. And his parents fought against Stormtroopers! I can’t tell him I used to care about one.”

“But _he_ cares about one. You.”

“I don’t think he sees me like that. To him, I’m the Resistance hero.” It felt strange to say out loud. Finn changed the subject. “How have Han and Chewy been? Didn’t they just get back today?”

Rey nodded. “I’m really hoping to get another crack at the Kessel run with them before I leave for the trip. Han’s been absolutely dragging his feet about it. I think he’s really afraid I’ll beat his time.”

Finn had forgotten she was going to be leaving in a few weeks. “Where are you going again?”

“Ilum. To get kyber crystals, remember?”

“To make your very own lightsaber, right,” Finn grinned.

“Yup! When I get back, your best friend will be a proper Jedi!” Rey grinned back. “I might be gone a while, though.” She paused, sighing. “Finn, I should tell you. Luke says the trip might be dangerous. There’s a good chance the First Order is monitoring the Crystal Caves on Ilum, especially since they know about me now.”

  
Finn’s mouth went dry. “What?! Rey you can’t-”

“No, don’t. We promised remember? I won’t stop you from your training, you won’t stop me from mine.” They were warriors both, now, determined to fight back against the blight of the First Order. They couldn’t keep thinking like civilians. Solin’s story about his eyes, about what the First Order did to their prisoners, was still fresh in Finn’s mind, though.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I know. I’m sorry, I just worry about you. I want to keep you safe, Rey.”

“You will. Poe says you train harder than anyone, that you’ve gotten so strong,” Rey murmured. “And you keep me safe now. Your intel’s given us a decent pattern of First Order activity in the Ilum sector. We’ll be careful. And Master Skywalker is _strong_ , Finn. I’ll be safe.”

Finn nodded, but he knew he was going to be anxious every day that she was gone. She couldn’t comm him during her trip either. It was a sacred Jedi rite of passage and she needed the time to meditate and focus.

“I want to keep you safe, too,” Rey continued. “That’s why I need to do this. When I get my lightsaber, nobody is going to hurt you like Ren did that night. Never again.” The memory of Finn laying motionless on the snow with a gaping wound on his back kept Rey awake at night, kept her training hard every day, every hour.

Finn didn’t want her to think like that. He was afraid that if he got hurt, she’d blame herself, but he knew he thought that way about her, so he let it be.

 

\---------------------

Finn deflected the punches coming at him and parried with a few of his own. He’d already gotten faster from training with Poe, he could feel it.

The Resistance recruit he was sparring with, Ash, seemed to have improved since their last bout as well. Everyone seemed to be training harder these days. She managed to dodge his first two blows, but caught the edge of his knuckles on the third.

“You’ve gotten faster,” he commented.

“So have you. How the hell did you even do that?” She swung at him, but he dodged. She shook her head. “I swear I thought I could catch up.”

He smiled sympathetically at her. It was all that First Order training, he wanted to joke, but it would have been true and probably not very funny to either of them. Being raised as a soldier in an emotionless environment gave him a physical advantage over most of the recruits on base. He’d been so proud of how hard he’d worked with the Resistance to hone his skills, and sure, he put in more hours than anyone else, but it was mostly just his body remembering its First Order training. All his recent sessions with Solin only served as reminders of that.

Thinking about it now made his limbs feel heavy.

Ash landed a kick to his side. “Well, don’t go easy on me now!” She demanded. She let her guard down a little, confused about his sudden drop in speed.

Finn saw the opening and jabbed quickly. Ash stumbled, off-balance from trying to dodge. The kicks she countered with were slow, and he managed to get a hold of her leg, throwing her backwards easily even though she weighed at least as much as he did. He grinned to himself. He knew that he’d learned arm and leg locks during his Resistance training, and the takedown he’d learned from Poe.

“I wasn’t going easy,” he said, extending a hand to her. “Don’t let your guard down!”

She was glaring at him a little. “You played me,” she muttered, pulling herself up. “But that’s on me, I guess.”

Finn was used to getting small audiences when he was sparring, and he never minded it. He’d been happy to be used as an example for proper form and footwork.

The stares from the unfamiliar faces in the room didn’t feel like admiration, though. And he only grew more conscious of the way they looked at him the more recruits he won against. He switched fighting styles after his first few bouts, opting for his usual method of using his opponent’s momentum against them, favoring holds over hard strikes, and footwork that helped to deflect blows without the intention of returning them. _I’m not who they think I am._ The thought came fiercely, suddenly, just as Finn flipped another recruit to the mat. He realized it was a strange thought. He didn’t actually even know what the liaison recruits thought of him. Maybe they were just curious, maybe they were impressed. _You’re being paranoid. Calm down._

He was almost relieved when the liaison recruits started calling him “Order Defector” a week later.

Finn heard himself get referred to as the “Order Defector” maybe once a day, then twice a day, then it got shortened to “OD” and it seemed to be the only name that the liaison soldiers ever called him. The Resistance recruits glared at them every time they heard it at first, but Finn seemed to be alright with it, so they let it be.

Finn wasn’t going to stop them. It didn’t seem malicious and it felt more honest than all the glances they tried to sneak his way. At least now his status as an ex-Stormtrooper was out in the open, not an unmentioned thing that used to make every interaction with the liaison recruits awkward. Finn almost preferred this, even if thinking about it too much made his insides churn a little bit.

 

\--------------------

There was barely any pain during his memory recall now, just some buzzing in his head. It almost made Finn happy. He felt like he’d regained control of his mind.

_Don’t save Slip. Come on, Eight-Seven, you can do this, he told himself. FN-2187 felt his breathing hitch as he realized that FN-2003 had fucked up again._

_Slip always did fine during drills, but he could never get it together in simulations. Slip always slipped, but Eight-Seven had hoped he wouldn’t today, had hoped he wouldn’t have to make this decision today._

_The simulation finished, he’d saved Slip, but he hadn’t jeopardized the mission. He’d still had the highest kill rate._

_“FN-2187,” Phasma’s voice boomed over the intercom. “Report to room SK4.”_

_A room full of generals and captains, their faces hidden, always hidden, by their helmets._

_Calm down, Eight-Seven, he thought to himself, sweating even in his temp-controlled suit._

_“He had the highest kill rate.”_

_“But he compensated for FN-2003 again.”_

_“He doesn’t follow orders.”_

_“He’s one of our best, he still has promise.”_

_“We cannot have Stormtroopers that accommodate weakness.”_

_FN-2187, recommended for re-education. Dispatch him to patrol. Send him back if he becomes successfully remediated._

_Calm down, Eight-Seven, he thought desperately, as they lead him to the room that would wipe the weakness from his mind. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, he was blacking out, he was-_

There was no pain afterwards, either, but Finn couldn’t seem to get his breath back, even while he and the doctor talked over what he’d recovered.

Finn inhaled deeply for what seemed like the hundredth time, through his nose, out of his mouth, just like he was supposed to. It wasn’t working. He drummed his fingers against Solin’s table, shaking the tray that held biscuits. Finn was getting annoyed, and it was making it even harder to breathe normally.

Solin furrowed his brow at his continuing breathing issues. “Don’t panic,” he said slowly. “It must be residual anxiety from the memory. Psychosomatic, I’d guess, since it doesn’t seem typical of your regular anxiety symptoms.  Breathe through your diaphragm.”

“I _am_ doing that,” Finn huffed, “and I’m not panicking, I’m frustrated.” He thought he’d gotten control over all this psychosomatic stuff.

“That’s fair. Take your time. I can leave if you want.” Solin got up from his chair.

Finn shook his head. “It’s fine, stay. I don’t mind.” 

He shut his eyes and kept at it. “It’s not real. Calm down, Eight Seven,” he muttered out loud.

Eight-Seven. He’d just called himself Eight-Seven. That didn’t help his anxiety at all. He was pretty sure the doctor had heard him say it, too, judging from the smile that had quirked on his face. Finn groaned. “What?” Solin mused. “I like it. ‘Eight-Seven.’ It’s better than F-N, at least.”

It occurred to Finn that his entire troop had had the prefix FN, and that any of them could have been named Finn. _I’m gonna call you Finn. Is that alright with you?_

He rubbed his temples and watched the doctor work. Ever since Solin had talked about the surgery forced on him, Finn had had some things on his mind he wanted to ask about. It seemed wrong, though, to pry into Solin's trauma, even if he had said thinking about it didn’t hurt. Finn had the feeling that Solin hadn’t told very many people that story.

“Liaison’s been calling me ‘Order Defector’ lately,” Finn said suddenly.

The doctor had his arms deep in the machine’s gut. “Really? How does that make you feel?”

Finn shrugged. “I like it better than the staring. Although, they still kind of do that.”

“Well, we have that in common, then, Eight-Seven,” Solin smiled sympathetically. “My reputation earns me stares wherever I go. You get used to it.”

 

\--------------------

Finn wasn’t sure when it happened but the nickname “Order Defector” and “OD” eventually became “First-Order-Finn.” Most of the time they just called him “Finn,” but sometimes he just got called “First Order.”

He really thought that they’d be tired of nicknames by now, but they still seemed to be hung up on his status as an ex-Stormtrooper. And he was still determined to not make a scene about it. As a whole, the liaison recruits had been developing a decent rapport with the Resistance recruits, which was good, since their missions were only getting more numerous. And together they’d been able to clear out the stack of surveillance operations that the Resistance had been too understaffed to get through.

 

\-------------------

Finn couldn’t seem to stop calling himself “Eight-Seven” in his head. _Calm down, Eight-Seven_ , as he prepped a mission briefing for a room full of liaison recruits. _Do better, Eight-Seven_ , while he sparred with Poe. After a while he didn’t try to stop himself. It had been his name for most of his life, after all.

 

\-------------------

It had been raining on and off all day. Rain pelted the runway now, huge raindrops that completely soaked everyone running between hangars. “How long is monsoon season, again?” Finn asked Jess. “A few months,” she replied, pushing her hair out of her face. They were both covered in grease.

Finn had come out to Blue Squadron’s hangar at Jessika’s request. Poe and Snap were both in the air and she wanted company. They tinkered around one of the P-38’s the Resistance kept in storage. With all the new recruits and the missions piling on, the base needed all the starfighters they could get running.

A liaison recruit ducked under the eaves of their hangar to get out of the rain and spotted Finn.

“Hey, First Order! What are you doing here? What, they let you fly their starfighters, too? Impressive!”

“I’m an impressive guy,” Finn countered, rolling his eyes as he kept working. He recognized the recruit. His name was Remmek, or something like that. Apparently he’d been one of the top recruits at the academy Finn kept hearing about.

“His name is Finn,” Jess scowled. “Who the fuck are you?”

Finn sighed. “It’s fine, Jess.”

Rem seemed amused by her anger. “You got a problem with me?”

“Yeah. Don’t call him that,” she warned.

“What, First Order? He _is_ from the First Order, right? Hey, First Order, tell your friend that-“ Rem stopped suddenly, just as Finn caught sight of Poe in his peripherals. He hadn’t realized the pilot was back on the ground.

Poe strode up to Rem and didn’t stop until they were inches apart. Poe was shorter and had to look up to meet the recruit’s eyes, but he exuded authority, and he looked _pissed_. The recruit shifted on his feet, determined to meet the pilot’s gaze.

“What do you think you’re doing, soldier?” Poe asked, his voice low and dangerous.  Jess smirked and went back to working on the P-38.

Rem laughed nervously. “Just talking to one of your pilots and First Order, here,” he shrugged. Finn saw Jess shut her eyes. _Wrong answer._

Poe kicked out at the recruit’s thigh, bringing him to his knees. Finn winced. The kick wasn’t too bad, he could tell that Poe had really held back, but Rem landed pretty hard on the concrete.

“What the FUCK,” Rem cursed. He tried to get back to his feet.

“Stay _down_. That’s an order.” He loomed over the recruit, who stayed kneeling. “You are an arrogant little shit, disrespecting your superiors so blatantly. And in my hangar of all fucking places.”

 Rem was making no attempts to hide his anger. “He doesn’t even have a rank! How is he my-”

Jess’s eyes widened. _Holy shit,_ she mouthed to Finn.

“I did NOT give you permission to speak, soldier!” Poe  barked. “On the ground! Pushups, now!” His sudden shouting had Rem scrambling to obey, counting out loud.

“Don’t count,” Poe ordered. “You’re not stopping until I say. Maybe we can get you to sweat out some of that disrespect.” Rem continued to do pushups silently.

Poe squatted so they were at eye level whenever Rem pushed up. “Finn is your superior by level of commendations and experience and you will call him by his _name_.” He waited a full minute before continuing. “So tell me. What is your superior’s name?”

Rem was breathing hard now. “Finn,” he muttered through gritted teeth.

Poe shook his head and stood up. “Didn’t catch that. You can try again after another minute.” He looked down at his watch and sighed.

For a moment, the recruit looked like he was going to get up and take a swing at Poe, but he only set his jaw and kept going. When Poe repeated his question, Rem spoke up, loud and clear, despite how exhausted he obviously was. “My superior’s name,” he huffed, taking a breath, “is Finn, sir!”

 “Don’t forget it.” Poe stood back up, his face still hard as stone. “Enough. You’re dismissed.”

\------------------

It’s not that Finn didn’t appreciate Poe sticking up for him. He did, and honestly what Poe had done was kind of a turn-on, but it was definitely not how Finn wanted to handle the nickname issue. It was barely an issue, but now it felt like a big deal.

Everyone in the surrounding hangars had looked up when they’d heard their lieutenant barking at Rem, but had known better than to watch how the whole spectacle would unfold. Still, Finn didn’t want that kind of attention centered on him.

He waited until they were in Poe’s room later that night. They were going about their individual tasks, like usual, the pilot at his desk, Finn on a datapad.

“Poe,” he began slowly, “You know I can take care of myself.”

The pilot looked up, confused. “I know that, Finn.”

“I just feel like…you didn’t have to make the nickname thing a big deal, you know?”

“What, that Rem kid? Calling you First Order? That _is_ a big deal!”

“It’s a stupid nickname. You can’t go kicking down every asshole who’s gonna say dumb shit to me. I didn’t say anything because I figured it’ll blow over in a week or two. They’ll all get their fill and stop calling me First Order, stop staring-” he stopped, realizing he hadn’t told the pilot about that yet. He hadn’t wanted to, knowing Poe would just worry for no reason.

“They’ve been staring at you? Finn, you should care,” Poe murmured, his brow furrowed in concern. That was exactly the look Finn _didn’t_ want to get. “And it wasn’t even just the nickname, it was the way he was talking to you. You don’t have a rank but if you did, if you’d accepted General Organa’s offer, you’d be a sergeant.”

He was referring to General Organa’s offer to make Finn an official Resistance recruit, rank and everything. Finn had run through the file she’d given him about what that would entail and had turned it down respectfully. He hadn’t heard from Rey then, and wanted to make sure he’d always be available to help her. It still felt like the right choice to him now. The General still let him lead missions, and gave him a clearance level well above that of low-ranking recruits.

Poe shook his head, “the bullshit coming out of that kid drove me nuts, the way he talked to you, to Jess, and to me, even. The Resistance is a lot more lax about military order and all, but I can’t have it going around that we let other people just walk all over us. We’ve got a reputation to maintain, you know? We do valuable work here. That kid was disrespectful as hell.”

Finn nodded in agreement. That made sense. “You’re right, he was ridiculously arrogant. I don’t think any of the other liaison have been like that, at least. They seem to respect the Resistance, seemed like decent enough recruits.”

“Besides the fact that they stare at you, you mean.”

Finn shrugged. “Give it a few weeks. It feels like we’ve been getting a lot of work done with them around.” He elbowed the pilot playfully. “Maybe they’re just checking me out. All that kickboxing training has made me pretty damn sexy in the ring.”

“Well that I can understand,” Poe laughed. “Those crescent kicks have been looking stellar, babe.”

“Really? I’m not sure about that, ‘cos all I ever hear from my trainer is ‘your form could be better’ and ‘practice makes permanent, Finn, every time you do it wrong makes it harder to learn it right!’ and once I even got a ‘are you shitting me with that one?’” Poe had made the last comment to him just yesterday.

“Sounds like an asshole,” Poe murmured as he nuzzled against Finn’s ear. “You need somebody who can treat you right.”  
“What, you think that’s you?”

“You have no idea,” Poe kissed up his neck. “How well I can treat you. I can be so good, so sweet.” He sucked at Finn’s skin.

“I don’t know that I want you to be sweet,” Finn whispered, his breath hitching. Seeing Poe flashing his rank earlier today had him wanting something rough.

Poe’s eyes widened a little. He bit his lip and looked Finn over before reaching down to undo his own belt. “On your knees, Finn,” he murmured, stroking the back of Finn’s neck. Finn just smirked.

Poe gave him a hard look and tightened his grip. “On. Your. Knees.” he growled.

Finn couldn’t help the sound that came out of his mouth as he obeyed.

\-------------

Afterwards, wrapped up in Poe’s arms in his bed, Finn realized that he hadn’t actually told Poe about any of his memories yet, about anything from his life in the First Order. All Poe knew about Finn were things from the past year, things about his life with the Resistance.

Finn was beginning to feel like he was hiding who he’d been from the pilot, and he didn’t like it. He wasn’t doing it purposely; they just didn’t get much time to talk these days with Resistance activity picking up. Maybe he _should_ tell Poe about Slip. He'd expected the pilot to get curious about his First Order life and start asking about it, but he never did. 

“Poe?” Finn looked up at the pilot. He was already sleeping soundly. _Another time, Eight-Seven,_ he thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **My bf's back and you're gonna get in trouble!!!**
> 
> First of all, so sorry about the terrible editing I did on the last chapter?? I literally just left a sentence unfinished?? You’re all too nice to me, letting me get away with shit like that lol ;P I took my time editing this one. 
> 
> How's the story feeling? I'm curious about how my pacing is. The vaca chapters were quite a bit longer than I anticipated, and then I was gone for a month, so I'm hoping jumping back into base life has been a smooth transition.  
> As always, thanks for reading, and thank you so much for the comments! <3


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